I heard that Daniel would be descending naked. After all, he ascended naked...

TPTB Double Agent < >
Vancouver , CA - Tuesday, November 12, 2002, 7:22 PM

Palace Drone

Well obviously YOU didn't get the memos about the *tactical planning breakfast meetings* the SDJ were holding at the convention.

Such devious plans as clapping politely for Jonas were formulated during them.

Really I thought you were on top of all these things.

MuleLady
Wednesday, September 25, 2002, 1:10 PM

In Season 7, I Rosmerta will contact the SGC and demand to speak with Dr. Daniel Jackson. The only team member bright enough and handsome enough to converse with me, "The Great Provider". Jonas, will be kicked to the proverbial curb in an effort to find what I will provide, and They will try to contact Daniel in my name. When Jonas leaves the team I shall "provide" HIM with a not so heathy dose of pure radiation and see how he likes it.

Rosmerta <Private>
Rome, Earth - Friday, September 20, 2002, 4:08 PM

Report From the Not-So Front Lines
Sunday, September 15, 2002

So comes the night of the last day of the convention, and this is the first time I've actually written anything concerning it. Sure, the day before I left I was vowing to check in daily, to take notes, to keep a detailed schedule of what I was doing where and when and with who, but I was busy arguing regs with the Air Force Advisor again.

Maybe some people can do it, keep track of con events as they happen, but I'm not one of them. My lack of communication this weekend, however, was for several reasons. One, because there was so much happening, and two, because there was nothing happening.

Allow me to explain. I know you can't wait.

I came into this convention with a definite degree of wariness. That's been the case the previous two years as well, but for the most part it focused on the concern that the evil nasty Air Force advisor would tell me yet AGAIN that the Air Force wouldn't grant Sam and Jack a special dispensation to get together after seeing how in wuv they are.

This weekend, we were worrying if we were going to be seeing other con-goers be escorted out of the auditorium for crimes against fashion.

This concern was especially great for Corin Nemec's panel, as he's a con virgin and therefore most likely to be a fashion disaster, and the panel featuring the writers and producers, as Joe Mallozzi threatened to show up in Baal's costume. And everyone knows that the story has been told in a million different magazine interviews and a thousand online chats and bulletin boards, but sadly there are some folks who subscribe to the theory of not fucking off and dying when told to repeatedly. And the voices inside my head told me that SDJ was planning to detonate a small tactical nuke and then run around in the rubble in their bras and panties shouting, "Boxers or briefs? Screw it, Free Willy!"

But... there was nothing. I was SO disappointed. I was hoping RDA would "free Willy!" Okay, okay, there was some heckling during the auction, but that was just when Michael Shanks was mentioned and everyone knows he's a poopyhead.

Maybe it was the fact that security was everywhere and not being shy about the fact. Maybe it was because the house lights were on, denying the would-be hecklers the anonymity they enjoy on their Internet lists and revealing them as plain old-fashioned cowards. Maybe it was the plain truth that the nasty folk were outnumbered by people ready to pound the first 'boo' into the ground. Maybe it was that, unlike me, they're adults with a sense of proper con ettiquette.

I'm kidding. Honestly.

Brad Wright even hugged one of them. I'm going to puke!

So as I write this, it's Sunday night in Vancouver and no blood has been shed. Dammit! I never get to have any fun! (I'm kidding!)

What's the moral of this story? Perhaps it's something about people from all countries and creeds and walks of life being able to come together for these five days without law enforcement being brought into the picture. Maybe it's a commentary on why the Internet can be such a nasty place and why good old face-to-face communication is worth the price of the plane ticket. Maybe it's that the voices in my head were wrong.

Nah. That couldn't happen.

-- Sally Frost, 09/15/02

The Harbinger of Mild Peril
Wednesday, September 18, 2002, 4:33 AM

In an effort to avoid creativity... er, more tightly intigrate the themes in the SciFi Channel line up, early next season Jonas will be clubbed in the head... er, fall down and hit his head while playing ice hockey with Jack, and wake up with Psychic powers.

The episode with be called "The Mildly Injured Zone"

Insider DUDE!!!
Monday, September 16, 2002, 7:49 AM

The other day I was parking a car that belonged to the manicurest for the assistant to the scriptperson for one of the really busy writers here at BridgesBurning. I found this exciting new plot development for the possible upcoming season 7 lying on the ground next to a discarded donut and a pair of men's bathing trunks.

It was scribbled illegdibly, but I will do my best to translate.

Notice new MacGyver movie coming out. Using younger actor to play main character. Made me notice our *star* is getting a little long in the tooth. Keeps saying he wants to retire. Doens't understand that if we lose him we lose that all important S/J shipper audience.

Outline for FOREVER YOUNG a 7th season opener:

Interior scene: Secret Storage facility in New Mexico.

Set Up: Jack O'Neill is chasing another rogue NID operative who is attempting to steal Mach'ello's essence switching device for neferious plot to put Sen. Kinsey into younger body.

Rogue NID agent to be played by handsome young hunk who used to be child actor on some cancelled TV sitcom about high school kids. {Note to self: See if Mark Paul Gosslaer is available).

In desperate attempt to keep Rogue agent from getting away, Jack grabs onto the other handle and his essence is switched into the body of the young agent {played by as yet uncast but no doubt handsome and well known hunk). Jolt of sudden switch knocks both men unconscience. Jack awakes in younger body to find that the rogue NID agent has disappeared with the machine AND Jacks old body.

Spend entire season with Jack trapped in young handsome hunk's body while searching for his old body and Mach'ello's machine. Sam falls desperately in lust--err I mean love with new younger Jack as never before. Cameo's by our *star* as NID agent in the old body.

Hmmmm, it might just work!

The Parking Attendent <parkit@bridge.stu>
Friday, September 6, 2002, 8:55 AM

"Jelly Strikes Back"

When SG-1 learns that a movie is being made featuring their Wormhole X-treme counterparts, they make the cross-country trip from Colorado to Hollywood and along the way they meet up with a quartet of sexy diamond thieves in vinyl ...and Jelly. The escaped pug gets a television producer on their tail, and the whole shebang climaxes as SG-1 makes it to the movie lot, crashing through the sets of a whole bunch of movies, both real and imaginary. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion, in which Jelly plays Yoda in an homage to "The Empire Strikes Back"!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Sunday, September 1, 2002, 3:03 AM

OK PEOPLE HERE GOES BUT THIS IS WAY SECRET SO DON'T TELL PLEASE HELL I MEAN IT WONT EVEN AIR TILL NEXT JANUARY 2003 THAT IS HOW SECRET IT IS..... NOW THAT THE ASGARDS NEED THE HUMAN SHIP AND SG-1 TO HELP SAVE THE DAY OH BUT WAIT DID WE FORGET THAT THAT BLOND REPORTER (NO OFFENCE TO BLONDS) IS STILL ON BOARD WELL U SEE NOW WE HAVE ALL BANNED TOGETHER AND TOLD SCI-FI AND BRAD WRITE THAT WE ARE SICK OF QUINN SAVING THE DAY AND THE SUPER DAM IS GETTIN A LIL OLD SO THAT IS WHY THE BLOND REPORTER IS THERE SEE SHE STILL HAS HER EQUIPMENT WITH HER (NOW I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE AWAY ALL THE SECRETS JUST IN CASE SOMONE READS THIS AND CHANGES THE STORY A LIL) BUT SHE HAS HER STUFF AND LONG STORY SHORT WE NOW HAVE A BLOND GOOD LOOKING (SUPPER SAM WANTA BE) SAVE THE DAY. THE WRITERS AND BRAD THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT GRAB OUR ATTENTION A LIL TO SEE SOMEONE NEW SAVE THE DAY SO THAT IS IT ENJOY AND IF I GET SOME MORE FACTS ILL POST THEM!!!!

desirae <evalewis021@msn.com>
ogden, utah - Saturday, August 24, 2002, 3:40 PM

"All Together Now"

This episode will NOT have Daniel in it. We just named it that to trick you into tuning in (much like "Descent," "Full Circle," etc.). The original title was "Starship Goes to Hell," and it is the long-awaited homage to "Event Horizon."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, August 20, 2002, 2:20 PM

Next Friday's episode focuses on a despondant writer, who discovers that a popular movie script got by him without his having paid 'homage' to it by stealing it for his Science Fiction show. At the last moment, he figures out a way to have Jonas sent off to a school for young Wizards and the SG-1 crew wave him off at the train platform.

Devilled X
Monday, August 19, 2002, 3:08 PM

Next week: Planet of the Jogging Blond Bimbos!

Next week SG-1 travels to a planet where the inhabitants are wearing big ace bandages and jog everywhere. Jonas is executed for ignoring a "Keep off the grass" sign.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, August 17, 2002, 4:46 PM

Daniel Jackson ISN'T DEAD REALLY!!!

In one of the episodes of the new series, we see an extra clip of DJ - just before his death! No-one knew this before, but apparently he learned a mystical telepathic trick from one of the alien races they discovered through the Gate. This trick allowed him to put his fingertips on certain points of Jack O'Neill's face and transfer his soul to inside the other man's head! At this point, Daniel said "Remember".

The episode turns out to be a quest for the SG1 crew to jump through the gate and try and get Daniel's body and soul both back to his home planet, Earth. This is naturally, directly against orders and very very rebellious and naughty of them. Eventually they succeed, Daniel Jackson ends up whole again. However, this outcome does not come without a great cost. On the way, Jack discovers that the new bloke, Jonas, is in fact his son. Just as he begins to form a fatherly frame of mind, Jonas is killed horribly by hostile aliens. Jack nearly cries (but doesn't really, because he's a big tough man).

THE END

The Secret SG1 Insider Spy Person <slytherin_pride@email.com>
where sg1 is filmed, America - Tuesday, August 13, 2002, 11:16 AM

NEXT WEEK ON "STARGATE SG-1":

"Salamanders"

Jonas invents a way to make spaceships faster, but it causes him to turn into a giant salamander that eats everything in sight. Sam duplicates the experiment and turns into a giant salamander, too. They mate, which causes Jonas to immediately die. Sam abandons the highly evolved offspring offword, and is miraculously saved by the Tok'ra in a ceremony so secret even we can't see it, so it happens off-camera.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, August 7, 2002, 10:24 PM

STARGATE'S RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON CALLS MICHAEL SHANKS A "POOPYHEAD"!

In a June 7 interview with Maureen Ryan of the Chicago Tribune that we'd bury if we had a lick of sense, Richard Dean Anderson spoke about the controversy surrounding the cast departure of Michael Shanks (who played sneezing, four-eyed Daniel Jackson, one of the original characters from the film on which the series is based).

The Jackson character "ascended" at the end of Season 5, a surprise to fans. But Anderson revealed that Shanks had asked to be allowed to leave. In the interview, Anderson responded to reports of Shanks' alleged snarkiness, saying, "If he really said that, if he's lashing out and saying we're all a bunch of poopyheads, that's unfortunate, because it would mean that he's the poopyhead."

But how soon we may forget. Launching into Season 6 on Sci Fi Channel, there appears a hunky new male regular on the series: alien scientist Jonas Quinn (Corin Nemec, of Parker Lewis Can't Lose fame). Quinn bared his toesies in the exciting episode "Descent" in hopes of attracting the foot fetishists who followed old four-eyes, and his t-shirts are really tight. I want to shag him, don't you? Oh, baby! That scene in "Descent" with him eating the banana? That's what I'm talking about, baby! Oh yeah!

For the record, Shanks will "descend" from time to time this season in a guest-starring role, even if he is a big meaniehead and we don't like him any more.

Take that, you evil nasty Danny fans! Ha! I bet you're all really ashamed of yourselves now!

MGM SciFi Newsletter
Wednesday, August 7, 2002, 2:32 AM

More Tuna Whiz! I snuck this out of the studio at great personal risk! I hope you enjoy this exciting sneak preview into our fresh new direction!

[JACK, TEAL'C, and JONAS wander the halls of the SGC peeing on things.]

Sam: I can't pee on things because I'm a girlie. Want tuna.

[Jack sniffs Sam's butt. Teal'c growls at him. They start to box, and Jonas walks up to her and smiles. There is a sparkle effect, and then she throws up a hand, blinded by the glare.]

Jonas: Want tuna.
Sam: Don't have tuna. Must get tuna from General Hammond.
Jonas: Tuna good.
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!

[Jack and Teal'c look at each other.]

Jack: OK, whomever can write his name on the wall from the farthest away gets the girlie.

[Teal'c and Jack laugh, reminiscent of Beavis and Butthead]

Jonas: No I should get the girlie cuz Im way smarter than you and Im all sensitive and have good teeth. [to Sam] Want your kids to have good teeth? you gotta come to me.

[Sam blushes coquetishly and gives Jonas a peck on the cheek. He clutches his stomach and falls over.]

Jonas: Food poisoning! Tuna bad.
Jack: Tuna good. Mayo bad.

[End of act one. Stay tuned for more science fiction excitement!]

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Sunday, August 4, 2002, 6:21 PM

This Friday's episode:

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL: SG-1 is captured, and having stolen every single plot ever written for previous episodes, the show's producer and two of the writers are forced to personally enter the episode and try to rescue them. Wacky nerds Brad, Joe and Bob stumble around the base of the lounge-lizard Goauld Tony, and ultimately manage to free our heros by grabbing Jonas and using him as a battering ram (this is where we discover that, among his other hidden super-powers, the Krypton--er, Kelownian has a head made of Titanium).

SpookyMulder
Tuesday, July 30, 2002, 8:01 AM

Spoiler for A BEAUTIFUL SHADOWPLAY: Jack's increasingly erratic behavior sends him to the infirmary, where Dr. Frasier discovers that he has become Schizophrenic; once again, he believes that there is an imaginary new member of SG-1, this one called "Jonas Quinn," and in his fantasy, Daniel is dead and Jonas has come to replace him as some sort of grossly distorted, bizarre imitation. O'Neill believes this Jonas has come from a planet called Kelowna (named after a city in British Columbia. It was a choice between that and Flatbush). Jack's lifelong fascination with fish has given this 'alien' the odd trait of being able to dive after crappie and hold his breath for several hours, and he has about the same personality of a haddock. Meinwhile, he believes that Daniel has transformed into a glowing, fluffy jellyfish.

Frasier immediately administers the appropriate medications and Jack returns to normal, and his imaginary friends disappear.

Commissary Sue
Vancouver, BC - Monday, July 29, 2002, 2:59 PM

Stay tuned! Next week, we return to Jonas' home planet, where we meet his mentor and together they demonstrate how to defend yourself against a man armed with a piece of fresh fruit!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, July 23, 2002, 3:08 PM

Well Well here we go again now as i have said before the writers don't think that one Jonas is enough so the send him to the good old country of Utah where he is to take 18 wives and have as many children so that each child can be altered to grow up to be men and women in a week so that each one can lead their own stargate team 2-19 for now the rest come later plus sg-1 has a jonas so they don't need another one just yet. But hey we do get to see the stargate in this ep is gets used alot becaue all the lil jonas's save a whole 18 planets one for each of them then this episode gets continued on the next ep it is a 2 parter!!!

Desirae <evalewis021@msn.com>
Ogden, Utah - Friday, July 19, 2002, 6:18 PM

In a last-ditch effort to rid ourselves of those last remaining pesky female viewers, next week's episode will consist entirely of Jack bass fishing. The week after will feature Teal'c bow-hunting for deer. The week after's episode, "Automotive repair with Jonas," was unfortunately postponed after Sam bludgeoned him repeatedly about the head with a wrench for touching her motorcycle.

TPTB Double Agent <doubleagent@bridgestudios.com>
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, July 18, 2002, 7:23 PM

MR. DUDS

This upcoming offbeat episode takes place nowhere near the SGC. It involves a writer in a television studio that is hired to write science fiction, but can't seem to come up with anything better than a series of recycled plots from the comic books he's read and the movies and TV shows he's recently been exposed to. He eventually finds happiness weaving baskets at the Happy Home for the Perpetually Self-Deluded.

PureEvil
Monday, July 15, 2002, 9:59 AM

During one of the more lengthy rehabilitation sessions provided as part of integrated healthcare for 'certain' groups of writing staff of 'certain' companies, one of the more lucid moments of a screaming employee strapped to a bed- coming just after after the triple espresso twelve sugars with diaezepam sprinkles - revealed a significant "worst nightmare scenario" which had been plagueing this poor individual's dreams like a bad dose of Goauld worms. Lax confidentiality of medical records, crashing down like revenge of cosmic karma, revealed this content to a friend of a friend... of a friend...

Daniel, having proved resilient and unstoppable in former years and umpteen episodes suddenly finds himself wanting to a) expose himself to massive amounts of radiation and thus experience extreme pain, and b) die, just so he can get away from Mr J-can-you-spot-the-join-where-I-was-spliced-into-the-show-Onas. And who can blame him. He is saved by Homer Masala, a yellow light who invites him to the ascended plain to drink a few beers, eat curry and watch TV. Dr J, being thoroughly fed up with even his death being invaded by insensitive plot devices that focus on other characters (any characters, hey what about that stray cat over there? Or that leftover chicken drumstick?Whoohoo, we've found a bit of fluff from JO's navel here that'll do!) other than someone worth watching, agrees and unfortunately can't be heard to exclaim on his way out, "Hey - I'M the one who figured out this darn stargate thing...that mean anything to anyone ??". He is beamed up to the land of the fuzzy light tendril people, only to discover that he has in fact been living in an altered dimensional reality ever since the first time he stepped back through the quantum mirror. He never got back to his real universe in the first place! Instead he had stepped into one where his existence was viewed as a personal insult to all concerned (who, meanwhile, are having a ceileidh to celebrate, erm, mourn, his passing into the realm of the Duracell people, the only happy moment being the use of Jonas as an impromptu pinada).

With the balance of plot devices now being returned to his favour, he sends a message through to multiple worlds via a contingent of singing Goauld telegrams, accompanied by their Tok'ra management agents. The Frank Sinatra Gouald goes down a treat on Swing Earth but unfortunately the Britney Spears Goauld is mistaken for a chicken McNugget in an alternate famine-struck world. In any case George Clooney Goauld gets a message through to the right reality, gets a snog off Sam (being frustrated at having all other love interests killed off or terminally unresolved, c'mon she needed it) and then goes on to some varied film work to keep him and Tok'y babe set up for life. Meanwhile, SG-1 (the REAL one) having been so distraught they could not POSSIBLY have carried on without their Space Monkey, have gone their separate ways and need to regroup. Sam builds a kick-ass motorbike with it's own wormhole jumpgate technology, borrowed from generic a) future earth, b) Tok'ra tech, c) Teal'c's brain (coz when he gets to speak they find he actually knows a lot of cool stuff and is in fact very useful as a REAL character), d) Gouald fortune cookie (which upon eating uses recombinant DNA technology to splice genetic knowledge into the base pairs of the lucky recipient - Dr J pastes a health warning onto these as it gave him funny dreams and bad wind last time he tried one). Jack is recalled from hiding in the Rockies and due to his incredibly rich fish diet, all the amino acids have boosted his brain power so he doesn't look *too* cross-eyed when Sam explains how the bike works. He keeps a few desultory comments for old times sakes. Teal'c meanwhile has taken on Professor of Everything Chair at MIT, so has to be coaxed back into his combat trousers by promising he can go back to shooting things and saving the planet. He resigns as chairman of Glaxo-Wellcome, gives up his election campaign and polishes his boots. And his head. They pile into the sidecar of the bike, Jack tells Teal'c to watch where he puts his weapon, Sam kick starts the bike and and they head off through the Quantum Mirror to find Daniel. Who meanwhile simply floats into the Gateroom at SGC and wonders where they've gone. He abandons his ascension, gets some clothes on, and sets off on Sam's Mark I bike (no sidecar, back breaklight faulty). He finds them on a wonderful world with LOTS of relevant plot devices that uses ALL the characters potential, develops on the INTERPLAY and TEAMWORK of the characters and which recognises that shows should ultimately be GOOD TO WATCH rather than padding around your commericals. And NO WAY Jonas.

Phew, no wonder he woke up screaming...

Major Rewrite
Manchester, UK Plc. - Sunday, July 7, 2002, 9:17 AM

The real reason why you won't be seeing Jack O'Neill in the upcoming Nightwalkers episode. When he first heard the title, he thought it was called Nightcrawlers and got all excited about it being a episode where Jack goes fishing! He got even more excited when he heard something in the storyline was gonna make Carter's eyes glow and thought it was that long awaited *making babies* scene!

Imagine his disappointment when it turned out to be about baby goa'uld's taking over townspeople and only coming out at night and Sam is pretending to be a goa'uld host.

So, Jack took off for parts unknown. He forgot to have his parking ticket validated though!

The Parking Attendent <parkit@bridgesburning.com>
Thursday, July 4, 2002, 12:15 PM

Next Episode Season Sux...er, Six!

NIGHTCRAWLERS OF THE LIVING DEAD SG1 investigates a Gou'ald infestation in a local Earth town involving NID and Conrad ("Desperate Measures"). Teal'c, Carter, Jonas and the rest are trapped in a house while Zombie Goaulds stagger around outside, trying to get inside. Windows are boarded up, and we see lots of horrific images of Goaulds rising from the grave and eating gross things. The other members of the team begin to get suspicious that Teal'c will turn into a Goauld Zombie, too and the mistrust leads to five whole seconds of actual drama. Finally, the house is overrun and Jonas runs out to the local highway, desperately trying to flag down passing motorists and screaming the warning "They're coming! They're coming!!!!"

Vododiodo <Looney@Tunes.com>
Tuesday, July 2, 2002, 10:49 AM

I was cleaning out car for the assistant to the assistant of RCC and I found this stuck to the floor around some used juicy fruit gum chewed by Jack O'Neill in The Sentinel.

Revenge of the She Creature:

Anubis turns out to be none other than that symbiote/host spurned twice over...Anise/Freya!

Distraught to have been rejected by both Jack and Daniel AND kicked out of the Tok'ra for her System Lord like choices in wardrobe, Anise/Freya had wandered the galaxy aimlessly until she happened upon a lonely menber of the ancients. Taking her cue from Anna Nicole Smith, Anise/Freya married the geezer and aquired all his technology after his death.

Just as she was about to take her new found wealth back to the Tok'ra in an attempt to buy her way back in and dazzle the guys, she found out that she had lost Daniel and her wardrobe to Osiris who was not being called *spice* anything! Pushed over the edge by this, Anise/Freya became Anubis and has vowed to terrorize and eradicate all those who drove her away.

The Parking Attendent <screenplays@cooper.spot>
Tuesday, June 18, 2002, 4:06 PM

Spoilers for Friday Night's Episode: "TAKING A DIVE"

In a desperate effort to make Jonass seem to fit in, he holds his breath for 60 minutes and manages to rescue the rest of SG-1 with his brilliant brain, his metahuman lungs and a wet tee-shirt.

Then how the Air Force loved him, and they shouted out with glee; Jonass, the brown-nosed alien, you belong in SGC....

Yellow Paper
Vancouver, BC - Monday, June 17, 2002, 6:49 PM

Hep, just a quick note ! Come back Daniel ! Come back !

geoffrey <geoffrey@poulet.org>
Belgium - Saturday, May 11, 2002, 8:35 AM

BIGGEST SPOILER OF SEASON 6: I've got an exclusive photo of Major Samantha Carter's new Uniform for Season Six! Wait'll you see this: http://www.glcorps.org/donna.gif

Mighty Thor
Valhallah, Friday, May 10, 2002, 6:46 PM

Listen I'm the parking attendent at the studio and you guys got this Cure plot line thing all outta whack(whack having no reference to death threats or flat tires).

Here is what I found scribbled on a validation stub.

The Cure: When all sarcophgues in the galaxy break down and Goa'uld hosts start aging like crazy, they mount a massive siege against earth to procure large quantites of Viagra to restore their youthful zip.

Jack O'Neill goes into a near panic cause he needs all the viagra to keep up with the sexy new stud of the team Jonass Quinn. Lots of big gun waving insues.(none are used for death threats to writers)

The Parking Attendent
Friday, May 10, 2002, 3:28 PM

Anyone who does not wish to be sold will be killed off before the last episode of the season and turned into an ascended night-light.

Well, if no one really wants a ceertain character already turned into an ascended night-light, I'll take him:)

Afraid Of The Dark
Friday, May 10, 2002, 3:21 PM

"Tuna Whiz." *shudder!* You see why I tried to bury that script in the litterbox!

I should be allowed to write scripts instead of Jelly! I have a great story idea. It's the sad tale of Jonas and his severe catnip addiction. Finally, he is taken prisoner by the evil Goa'uld Fluffikins and made into a cat toy. Okay, it'll need a violence warning...

Fluffikins
Vancouver, Canada - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 5:20 PM

re: "The Cure"

I really shouldn't tell you this, but "the Cure" has side effects. It turns your hair black and makes your lips really red, and makes you wear a lot of black. It's also been known to alter musical tastes!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 5:17 PM

You are so *wrong* about THE CURE. I have it on good authority from the cleaning ladies at Bridge Studios that the episode is about the return of Elliott. It turns out that he is dying of a terminal case of adolescent Acne, one that even his symbiote can not help, and SG-1 is forced to negotiate for a miracle cure from a newly-discovered alien culture, PHysoheX244.

The cure is only partly effective. The aliens advise that additional 'therapy' needs to be administered by a female member of the team, and Lt. Hayley volunteers.

Cuchifritos
Tugucigalpah, MX - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 4:29 PM

At long last, the long awaited "Tuna Whiz," by Jelly. Good dog!

(We couldn't get Cooper and DeLuise to rewrite. They threatened to commit suicide!)

TUNA WHIZ
by Jelly

[JACK enters the gateroom, followed by SAM, TEAL'C, and JONAS.]

Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: TUNA! Want tuna tuna good gimme TUNA!

[HAMMOND gives them tuna sandwiches.]

Hammond: Good SG-1! Very good! Who's my favorite team?
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Hammond: Your mission is to go pee on other planets. Then you can have more tuna.
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Teal'c: Indeed.

[credits]

Stay tuned for more Science Fiction excitement!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 12:53 AM

Season Sux Episode 13 Spoiler: EVERYTHING MUST GLOW!

Anarchy reigns as MGM offers itself up for sale, the Sci-Fi Channel is sold, and the STARGATE SG-1 franchise is offered at rock-bottom prices. In fact, the characters will be individually sold off, with Jack O'Neil going to GENERAL HOSPITAL (where he will play Rick Weber, Elizabeth and Sara Weber's long-lost father); Teal'c will be sold to Andromeda; Carter will be sold to CHARMED and Jonas Quinn will be picked up by THE SIMPSONS. General Hammond will be appearing in IRON CHEF. Anyone who does not wish to be sold will be killed off before the last episode of the season and turned into an ascended night-light.

Anarchy
Wombat, NSW - Wednesday, May 8, 2002, 2:44 PM

Yo, Otis!

Jonas is in "The Cure." He has a special mission to cure the acne of the teenagers of the universe. Whattaguy.

Sam and Jack are not. They never had acne as teenagers. Neither did Teal'c, as Jaffa symbiotes prevent acne, but he accompanies Jonas out of wacky alien curiosity.

Sam spends the episode fixing up her bike while listening to the album "Disintegration." Jack spends the episode boobytrapping Jonas' quarters!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, May 8, 2002, 11:46 AM

Brand new Spoiler info!!!

I just got word on the Internet that there will be a Season Sux episode called "The Cure!" In a subtle plug for products to be advertised to the demographic that Sci-Fi channel is hoping to attract, the plot centers on an alien culture that's discovered...wait for it...a CURE for acne!!! The featured guest characters include aliens Stri-dex, Kevlar, Enigma and Pockmark. Hmmmmm. Seems to be something missing, here. What could it be? Is it...maybe SG-1...?

Otis Flugle
Sneaker, OH - Wednesday, May 8, 2002, 9:26 AM

Oh, oh, OH, kiddies I just made such a sale to the SG1 writers like you wouldn't believe!

It's called 'The Colonel's New Clothes'

While on a mission to FX-nooriginalplots-66, Jack O'Neill gets separated from the team and injured. To heal him, a female Tok'Ra symbiote whose last host was Vanna White, blends with with him.

Back on base, colonel O'Neill must deal with the uncontrolable urge to dress in women's evening gowns and rearrange all the lettering on signs in the SGC! Diplomatic chaos with a superior race insues when Jack changes all the letters on their sacred temples to spell out Wheel Of Fortune!

Will SG1 be able to restore peace with them? Will Jack find the right strappy sandels to wear with his latest evening gown? Tune in and find out.

PlotsrUs
Saturday, May 4, 2002, 3:42 PM

Yo, Plots’R’Us!

We have no problem ripping off--um, I mean, paying homage to--various movies and shows. What makes you think we’d have a problem with doing an homage to ourselves?

Read your contract, pal. Our plotline is significantly different from yours. Jonas, not Daniel. So there!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 4, 2002, 1:38 PM

**"IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE" Outraged by fans’ rejection of Jonas, whom the writers wuv vewy vewy much, they decide to redeem him by casting him in a remake of the Capra classic. **

Oy sheesh! They are into recycling their ripof.er I mean reimagings of classics already! I just sold them this plot a month ago to do a different angle on. Means only one thing..I gotta git them thar writer fellas back in here for more wheels and deals, yes sirree

Manager Plots’R’Us

PlotsrUs
Friday, May 3, 2002, 9:36 PM

"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"

Outraged by fans' rejection of Jonas, whom the writers wuv vewy vewy much, they decide to redeem him by casting him in a remake of the Capra classic.

It is the post-war tale of one small-planet do-gooder and genius with an encyclopedic mind, Jonas Quinn (Corin Nemec), whose life is recognized as wonderful and truly rich only after he suffers many hardships, mishaps and dark trials (lying, cowardice, treason, theft). He is given encouragement by a whimsical, endearing ascended being named Daniel Desala Jackson. The hysterical, despairing, and melancholy hunky hero is shown what the small planet would be like without him - it's a frightening, nightmarish, noirish view of the world (at Christmas-time) that brings him back from self-destruction. He returns to the idyllic small planet that he left, with renewed faith and confidence in life itself. Hence, the episode's title: It's a Wonderful Life.

We expect this to be the most popular and heartwarming episode ever made.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, May 3, 2002, 2:58 PM

EPISODE 19--"Dust Rhinos"

SG-1 cleans out the fridge. After that appalling battle, they then turn to the insides of their computer cases, and are attacked by giant killer dust rhinos!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, May 3, 2002, 1:36 PM

SPOILER: A BEAUTIFUL HIND

This script is mostly about discovering the genius of Jonas, his life story, his brilliant mind and his lifelong invisible friends Skooter, Velma and Harvey.

Captain Video
Plural, MN - Monday, April 29, 2002, 2:50 PM

EPISODE SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: DENTATA

Crossover with Star Trek: Voyager. Script by Rick Berman. SG-1 and the Voyager crew are pursued by giant vaginas. One of them captures and devours Jonas, then spits him out again and falls over dead. They eventually escape by brandishing speculums, which cause the vaginas to flee in horrror.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, April 27, 2002, 12:56 AM

Hey, INSIDER!

That guy depicted on the Adams poster is indeed a new character we’re developing in case Jonas doesn’t work out--G. W. G. Smith. He’s Colonel Makepeace’s long-lost twin brother! And no, G. W. G. does NOT stand for "Generic White Guy." No more than Cancer Man’s finally-revealed name, C. G. B. Spender, stands for "Cigarette Guzzling Bastard." But I can’t tell you what G. W. G. DOES stand for, because they won’t tell me! all they’ll say is that it does NOT stand for "Generic White Guy."

BTW, I learned that my fan letter was indeed a form letter sent to every member of the production staff. Huh! See if I let MY head be turned by a pretty fan letter ever again!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, April 25, 2002, 11:34 AM

In the season 6 opener, SG-1 burst through the Stargate with some unknown white guy they picked up and proceed to shoot up the Gate Room. All of the SGC are killed, including Chevron Guy. SG-1 flee, fugitives of Earth, and begin their adventures. Jack ’Bionic Man’ O’Neill leads the team of Jonas ’Speed Reader’ Quinn, Sam ’Black Widow’ Carter and Teal’c’The Wallpaper’ through weekly adventures which will consist of shooting shit while looking kewl.

Insider
CANADA - Wednesday, April 24, 2002, 9:40 AM

Hey, I heard something really hush-hush. You can’t share it, okay?

Mallozzi’s goldfish Sweetums is writing a script. It’s called, "Nummy Fish Food Flakes."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, April 3, 2002, 5:29 PM

TPTB Double Agent sent this message:

*-*

The WWF episode! Pro wrestlers are hired to play Goa’uld!

*-*

And the proof is here: www.donotangerthegods.cjb.net

Proof that Matt Hardy is a gao’uld!

Seska <Seska_spy@yahoo.com>
England - Tuesday, April 2, 2002, 5:46 AM

I just had to share this; I overheard two writer guys talking about this while they were on the cafeteria line today, waiting for their turn at the Chicken A La King special. One turn to the other and started talking about this new STARGATE SG-1 spin-off movie they had written, called GATELOVE. It’s about an alien off on some world who starts emailing Sam, only she isn’t aware at first that he’s on another planet. They meet in a chat room every night and a romance starts. Then we eventually discover that Sam’s cyberlover is actually an ancient Goauld; King Tut!!! Tut tells the story of how others plotted to murder him because he was a really nice guy for a Goauld and the other Goaulds couldn’t allow it. So we’re going to get this neat flashback. Gosh, those two guys are so ORIGINAL, it takes my breath away sometimes. http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/art-main.html?2002-03/28/11.00.film

CafeteriaBoy <Mush@Commissary.com>
Vancouver, CAN - Monday, April 1, 2002, 6:04 PM

Season opens with a BANG BOOM WHOOOOOOOSH! Earth is attacked by killer bugs from Quadrant 65663 of the Playstayshun Galaxy. Evil Emperor Killgarr and his ninja Jaffa attack the SGC and kidnap Sam, forcing her to wear a Princess Leia slave girl costume. Jack is struck by lightning while in Sam’s lab (a freak bolt that can penetrate NORAD and 28 levels of concrete and steel) and gains super powers - he can move so fast that you can’t even see him, just a gust of wind! His new name will be The Twister with guest appearances from MS (in tights!) as The Lightbulb Kid.

And Anubis is an Ancient and that’s why we had the cloning revelation in Revelations, with the tall original Asgard, so they could have a tall actor in Asgard type make up instead of expensive CGI and the puppet. Like that’s a surprise to anyone.

Spoiler Tart
Monday, April 1, 2002, 5:19 PM

Okay folks, huge newsflash here, a top, top secret, truly ’insider’ and *totally* reliable source (he’s the best friend of someone who knows the guy who walks Joe’s dog and if you can’t believe Jelly, who can you believe) just passed this hot tip on to me and you are not going to believe this!

All that ’Atlantis’ stuff they’ve been feeding us about the new spin off series? It’s all bogus. A total red herring which they’ve cleverly concocted to keep us from finding out about their *real* plans for the new series.

Well, hold on to your hats, people, ’cause the new series is going to be called ’STARGATE: THE SEARCH FOR SG-1’ and it will star none other than DANIEL JACKSON. Yeah, the one and only.

So here’s the scoop. It turns out before he ascended and left the SGC Daniel paid a brief visit to General Hammond and gave him a special device an ’Arc Signal’ (it’s a really *cool* special effect, shoots a glowing pyramid into space that flashes a series of messages like ’Earth to Daniel’, ’Paging Doctor J’ and ’DJ phone home’) so the General can contact him whenever he’s needed.

The series opens with Daniel returning to the SGC in response to a call for help from the general. He descends to get the astonishing news the General has summoned him because he has discovered the people everyone thinks are SG-1 really aren’t, and it seems the real SG-1 are somewhere - out there....

Seems as if George got suspicious when Jack, Sam and Teal’c took to that rascally Jonas like a duck to lemonade. Even though they walked and talked like SG-1 Hammond has been having his suspicions about them ever since the beginning of season four and has been keeping an eye on them - so after they actually ASKED him to make the lying, cheating, traitorous, cowardly slug who was the main reason why they’d lost their former team mate a member of SG-1, that was just the last straw for George. Both he and Janet have noticed a curious fact all of the members of SG-1 seem to have developed an aversion to salt since coming back at the beginning of Small Victories so on a hunch they squirt them with waterpistols loaded with saline and they all start screaming and melting. Before he completely dissolves the pod *Jack* croaks ’Rosebud - I - I mean, JONASSSSSS....’

The instant he’s confronted with the video footage of his creations expiring and ratting him out of course the mealy mouthed, craven little chicken shit immediately caves and starts spilling his guts.

You see, Jonass wanted his own show, so he came up with this diabolical plot to systematically discret Daniel Jackson prior to disposing of him and replacing him as a member of SG-1, then trading on his new status to get himself a starring role in the next series. So he enlisted the aid of a before now completely alien race called the ARACHIDNIANS (they work for peanuts) to grow pod substitutes of Jack, Sam and Teal’c, and then to capture the real Jack, Sam and Teal’c, keep them on ice and substitue the pod people at the first convenient opportunity.

Jonass confesses the pod people were under his control the whole time and he made them all act like cartoon caricatures of themselves to ensure *he* would be the only star of the spin off series because by that time everyone would be so pissed off at the way they’d been acting and the way they’d been treating Daniel no one would want to see them any more. He also admits the real SG-1 are still alive and he knows where they are but he expires from fright before he can be made to ’fess up. Good riddance to bad rubbish, but the popping off of the weasel before he can give means Hammond doesn’t know where to send the rescue team, and that’s why he sends for Daniel.

’Go out there, son, find our team and bring them home.’ Oh yeah!

They’ve worked out some way Daniel can do this ’ascending/descending’ thing whenever he wants to. The details are a little unclear. I think they’re leaning towards him clicking his heels together three times and yelling ’which way to the beach’ but this hasn’t been confirmed. Joe suggested he should use a phone booth every time he wants to ’morph’ but Brad said that was dumb.

So, after vowing he won’t rest until he finds his friends Daniel turns back into a ball of light (however) and heads out into the universe on his tireless quest for the rest of SG-1. We will go with him every week on his adventures out into the galaxy while he looks for Jack, Sam and Teal’c taking the occasional time out to nip back to save the Earth whenever Hammond uses the Arc Signal to call him home.

You go, Doctor J!

ITWS <noway@getouttatown.com>
Monday, April 1, 2002, 3:11 PM

Leaked season 6 script revealed - working title: Spot the Clone!

Sam discovers that Jonass’ real name is actually Liande. In the time it takes Jack to finish his Fruit Loops, she realises that Liande is an anagram of Daniel and putting 2 and 2 together works out that Jonass is a clone, sent to earth by his government (who are Snakeheads) to spy on the Tau’ri and get their secrets.

elfin <elfin@burble.com>
Bristol, UK - Monday, April 1, 2002, 2:30 PM

Michael Shanks was forced to leave after it was discovered that prolonged exposure by viewers to his divine loveliness was causing racing pulses, fever and dehydration through excessive drooling. For health and safety reasons he will be represented by a mist making machine and a flashlight and confined to doing the voice over.

dannyslittlehelper
land of denial - Monday, April 1, 2002, 1:00 PM

The truth is out! The real reason why they got rid of Daniel Jackson - he was too tall!

Yes, it’s true. They got rid of the hero of the SGC because he was the same height as Jack. The only reason why they haven’t got rid of Teal’c as well is because he scares Jack.

The truth is in here

A N Sider

A N Sider <dogsbreath@yahell.com>
Anywheresville, Andromeda - Monday, April 1, 2002, 12:45 PM

Episode 10: NIGHTWRITERS

An MGM executive pays a surprise visit to the set of SG-1 at Bridge Studios and discovers that a majority of the scripts have been written after midnight. Investigating further, he learns that some of the writers have been doing their work in their sleep. In an ironic turn of phrase, they are ’sacked.’

Suvivor1 <Probst@eatworms.com>
Marquesas, SP - Monday, April 1, 2002, 9:17 AM

I was just dusting Mr Wright’s desk and a script just FELL open right before my eyes. Really it did. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was the much awaited "SG1 visit the planet of the Amazons" episode!

I can tell you this much -- if you’ve loved those wacky aliens Teal’c and Jonass so far this season, you’ll love them even more in drag!!! Yes, you guessed it, when the SGC encounters a planet with lots of cool weapons that they will only give to WOMEN, our wacky aliens frock up and head out to make deals on the planet of the Princess Warriors. (Apparently, Jack is seen at home nursing a sore knee with a strange white light hovering solicitously around him and Sam keeps busy in her lab fixing her motorbike because she understands you can’t send a girl out to do a man’s job and all...)

Stay tuned folks. I heard Mr Wright say (I was dusting inside his closet, okay?) that this is going to be the episode of the season. Teal’c and Jonass in leather mini skirts will have to be seen to be believed.

I’m going back to dusting now, but you better believe I’ll keep my eyes peeled!

Val the Cleaner

Val the Cleaner <the_ceaning_lady@featherduster.com>
Vancouver, BC - Saturday, March 30, 2002, 11:10 PM

Deciding that he can’t stand Jonass a second longer -- Jack tricks him into going to Harlin’s planet. Jack asks Harlin to create an android which looks like Jonass but is imbued with a copy of Daniel’s consciousness. He also wants to take back with them an android Janet so the imposter will not be detected by the medical team. This Harlin agrees to do, and reveals that on SG-1’s earlier visit there, while the mind transferences were taking place in the process of creating the fake SG-1 team, he had made a mistake which had led to the real Sam receiving some of Daniel’s knowledge and characteristics, hence the reason for her extra diplomatic and intuitive intellectual capabilities. Harlin asks if Jack and Teal’c would also like to receive some of Daniel’s personality,too. Jack tells him they’ll think about it, depending on how the ratings go.

Ellen
Coventry, Saturday, March 30, 2002, 10:34 AM

Sorry, Shyaway, you’ve hit the JOKE spoiler board! I think your spoilers are the only real ones here! :)

Darlin’, what say you and I pop on over to the discussion boards and you dish? ;)

Xochiquetzl
Aztec Parodist from Netu - Friday, March 29, 2002, 1:12 PM

I’ll bet the entire cast and crew were crying, shyaway...when they realised the writers hadn’t really brought Daniel back at all.

cynic chick <tellmeanotherone@cynicchick.com>
Terra Firma - Friday, March 29, 2002, 5:40 AM

I read the script and thought this would be going to be one of the best episodes I had ever watched in the whole series. I even cried while I was reading the scenes where Daniel and Jack spent the time together.

shyaway
Thursday, March 28, 2002, 9:49 PM

Oh, shit, Tibs! I told ’em you’d notice if "that big, meaty role" turned out to be a bone tossed under the table for you. I SO need to work on my resume!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 28, 2002, 10:32 AM

Just three days? Geez. Either Shanks does a perfect first take every time or it’s not so much a "meaty role" like BW said as lean pickings.

Tibs <private>
Thursday, March 28, 2002, 3:37 AM

Michael Shanks was on set filming "Abyss" for three days the week of March 18.

shyaway
Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 10:21 PM

’Frozen’

I suppose this is what the big-bad PTB would call giving the people what they want: ’more Thor’ ’more thaw’...

ConspiracyTheorist
Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 3:04 PM

Sorry, Fox. I was working from an earlier draft of the script. I’ve since seen the revisions, and you are correct.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 11:17 AM

TPTB Double Agent, you are so full of it. Ayiana’s name doesn’t mean "Encino Girl." It directly translates as "Bird’s Eye."

FoxMulder <TheTruth@FBI.gov.org>
Classified, Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 7:44 AM

The newest episode will feature Teal’c’s son Ryac. It seems that Ryac’s mother dies when her larval gou’ld is killed by Tupac of the Land of Light and he’s sent to Teal’c on Earth.

Everyone is happy to accept Ryac as an SGC trainee, and because Jack is stuck on base with a bad knee, Ryac ends up on SG1, with Sam in charge. Cadet Haley is also added to the roster.

Sam, Teal’c, Jonass, Ryac and Haley head out for a mission to planet Val’n’tine. While there, they are overcome by a mysterious pink cloud. Ryac loses his symbiote, and Teal’c makes the ultimate sacrifice to save his son.

Returning to the SGC, they tell Hammond of their loss. He promptly has a heart attack and dies. Jack, disheartened at the loss of two team members (remember, not too long ago the guy in glasses departed) retires with his bum knee and starts dating ’Ole Doc Fraiser. They move to Minnesota. Sam and Jonass, Ryac and Haley declare their undying devotion to each other and vow to be the best team ever.

The new SG1, consisting of Sam & Jonass, Ryac & Haley continue exploring the galaxy every fifth week (when they aren’t fighting NID forces on Earth). Their love for each other strengthens their cause.

(Oh, and watch for a new redesign of the girls fatigues so that they’re more attractive...and slightly more feminine and revealing!)

shhhh <icanttell@privacy.net>
somewhere in Canada, Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 6:58 PM

Episode 7: Clan of the Frozen Cave Bear

The team of researchers at the base in Antarctica who have been studying the site where the second Stargate was found four years earlier ["Solitudes"] discover a woman frozen in the ice. SG-1 travels to Antarctica along with Dr. Fraiser to check out this exciting find. The scientists have named the ice woman Ayla, which means "Encino Woman." Ayla survives being thawed out and regains consciousness. Unfortunately, she is carrying a VD and gives it to Jonas.

Mention is made that the guy with the glasses--what was his name?--believed the Antarctic gate was buried in the glacier many thousands of years before the Egyptian gate was buried approximately 2,000 years ago. He believed that the Jaffa found near the gate had come through like Sam and Jack did, at some point after the gate in Egypt was buried. He froze to death then, rather than being frozen when the gate got traped in the ice.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 6:58 PM

"...a mythology is a control system, on the one hand framing its community to accord with an intuited order of nature and, on the other hand, by means of its symbolic pedagogic rites, conducting individuals through the ineluctable psychophysiological stages of transformation of a human lifetime - birth, childhood and adolescence, age, old age, and the release of death - in unbroken accord simultaneously with the requirements of this world and the rapture of participation in a manner of being beyond time."

--Joseph Campbell

"I like Green Lantern."

--Joseph Mallozzi

AlbertCamus <Nowhere@Philosophy.com>
Existentialism, VA - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 5:50 PM

I had it all wrong. SUMMIT didn’t reveal that the Goaulds have developed a nutritional deficiency after all. I’ve seen the follow-up episode and the truth is that they now crave lots and lots of GUMMY WORMS!

Superspy
Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 5:18 PM

Episode 3

Sick and tired of the newcomer to SG-1, General Hammond opens up a big ol’ can of Texas whup-ass and arranges for an Iris impact event when the team returns from their latest mission.

Luke <Bronco@Macho.com>
Rattlesnake, AZ - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:33 PM

Episode 4: Sam realizes that Jonas Quinn is the love of her life, and that he will never, ever die (he’s under special protection of the writers), and their Grand Romance begins. Depressed, Jack finally retires. Teal’c suddenly develops a mysterious case of sudden diabetes and heroically succumbs. Elliot is the ringbearer and Haley the flower girl at their wedding.

...okay, it was only wishful thinking, but wouldn’t it be just *wonderful?!*

SamNJonasFan <4eva@CarbonMimic.com>
Valentine, OH - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:29 PM

Psssst.

Wait’ll you get a load of this new script for Season 6! You won’t believe it!

Entitled "Buttholes Xtreme," it’s a follow-up of last season’s episode. The story unfolds at Burned Bridges Studios, where producer Brad Wratt is being interviewed by reporters. Reacting to recent changes on the popular Sci-Fi programme "Wormhole Xtreme", fans are apparently in an international uproar. Wratt explains there were perfectly good reasons why all but one of the remaining origional characters were killed off and replaced by a department store manneQuinn, a Canadian slacker teen, a butt-kicking chick in tight black leather with huge boobs and an enormous brain and A CGI alien. The interviewer points out that the fans seem to have reacted negatively to the changes, Wratt says "They’re just poopy-heads." When pressed, Wratt finally cracks under the pressure and puts all the blame on conceptual producer Marty. By the end of the episode, Marty, disgusted with Wratt’s behavior, calls for his companions and they return and take him away in their starship.

SG-1MakeupLady <Powderpuff@Bridge.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:11 PM

Plot Summary of Nightwalkers...

Short Description: During a thunderstorm, a young boy witnesses the landing of a flying saucer in a nearby field. No one will believe the boy’s wild tale, and the aliens (who remain unseen in their subteranean space ship) begin controlling the town’s inhabitants, including his own father and mother. It all comes to a climatic end when the U.S. AIR FORCE AND SGC takes on the aliens from SOME GOA’ULD PLANET AND SHOOTS THEM AND THERE’S COOL EXPLOSIONS.

Long Description: DICK GRAYSON (TO BE CAST), a typical American twelve-year-old whose hobby is astronomy LIKE JACK SO WE CAN HAVE JACK AND A KID, awakens one night to see what appears to be a spaceship magically disappearing underground in a field near his house. The boy’s father, engaged in secret NID work at a nearby NID BASE, goes to investigate. When he returns, some strange, chilling change overtakes him, and a small scar is apparent on the back of his neck. It is not long before DICK’s mother, too, comes under this contaminating influence. Young DICK then sees a neighbor’s little girl being swallowed up by the earth near the place where the spaceship landed. She later turns up safe, but cold and sinister - and with the same scar. IT HAPPENS TO A DOG AS WELL AND IT CAN TALK.

No one believes the boy’s fantastic story. Increasing terror strikes him with his fear and concern for his parents. Finally, Dr. FRAISER, an attractive young physician with the SGC, takes him to a mutual friend, Dr. BRUCE WAYNE (TO BE CAST). An astronomer, WAYNE soon finds evidence to support the lad’s discovery: through the observatory’s telescope they see the commanding general HAMMOND in charge of security being swallowed up by the earth. They instantly alert the AIR FORCE.

As demolition squads begin to blast down under the earth, FRAISER and young DICK are pulled underground. Weird humanoid creatures, eight feet tall, force them through luminous passages to the underground spaceship, where a GOA’ULD in a glass ball directs his synthetically created giants.

At first the terrifying invaders, immune to bullets and armed with devastating weapons BECAUSE THEY ARE NINJA JAFFA AND VERY QUICK, appear invincible. But at the last minute, DICK manages to get control of one of the ZAT-guns himself, and with it blasts the way to freedom seconds before a demolition charge blows up the spaceship.

THIS IS A COMPLETELY NEW IDEA.

PTB PERSON
classified - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 1:20 PM

In a bid to win back fans TPTB have SG-1 go back in time to just before the events of Meridian. The team is given leave rather than going on a mission. Jack and Daniel go fishing and Sam takes Janet for a spin on her secret Harley. Teal’c pretends to visit his son but instead pays a visit to Jonass’ planet just in time to see the experiment go wrong. Teal’c blasts out the window, shoves Jonass through then skips away in a moment of pure comic alien genius.

blabbermouth <cannot tell>
Vanco....i mean Ontario, Canada - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:13 AM

New series finale: Celebrity Deathmatch!

Voiceover:

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to celebrity Deathmatch! Today we have Brad Wright, Executive Producer of Stargate SG-1, against Devlin and Emmerich, writers and producers of the original Stargate movie!

[Two guys at a typewriter--DEVLIN AND EMMERICH--flipping the bird at another man--BRAD WRIGHT--with a typewriter.]

Devlin and Emmerich:

We were going to do two more movies, you asshole!

[Wright types something. We see Kawalsky’s eyes glow at the end of "Children of the Gods," followed by Kawalsky’s death in "The Enemy Within."]

Devlin and Emmerich:

You killed Kawalsky! You bastard!

[short clip of Devlin and Emmerich being interviewed about how much they hate the series. Wright scowls and types something.]

Daniel in "Politics":

You’re right. We’ll just upload a virus to the mothership.

[Devlin charges Wright. Emmerich holds him back and whispers something in his ear. Clip of Devlin and Emmerich’s voiceovers on the movie DVD about how much they hate the series. Wright throws visible tantrum, then types something. "Meridian" clip.]

Devlin:

Okay, that’s it, you son of a bitch!

[Devlin and Emmerich charge. Much claymation violence ensues. The final sequence will be Wright ripping out his own heart and shoving it down Devlin and Emmerich’s throats, suffocating them. Wright then punches the air in victory and falls over dead.]

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, March 25, 2002, 10:43 AM

More shocking photographs of cruelty to the cast!!!

www.geocities.com/sgteaboy/index.html

The Tea Boy <isthismilkoff?@teaboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Sunday, March 24, 2002, 4:21 PM

Coming next season on FOX:

Poochinsky teams up with Jonass Quinn in "Doghouse X-Treme"

Motto: He’s a cowardly, lying, thieving, traitor with the ethics of a weasel, he’s a talking dog. They fight crime!

Watch for a guest appearance by Daniel Jackson (played by a 200 watt bulb and a fan).

Jonass4evah <mutt@talkingdog.com>
Tinseltown, USA - Sunday, March 24, 2002, 3:40 PM

Great news!!! I can exclusively reveal my...er...TPTB exciting plans for the season six finale, refuting claims that I’m...er...TPTB are showing a singular lack of imagination this season!!! It opens with Replicators climbing up to a REALLY high shelf where they discover a new substance to consume called CPD (convenient plot device.) It has a dramatic effect on their programming - causing them to cannibalise each other!!!

The Asgard have to summon SG1 to investigate ’cos the shelf is too high for them to reach. Jonas discovers a scroll there that the Replicators have miraculously left untouched. (Sam postulates it must be a side effect of CPD.) SG1 follow the Replicators across the Asgard galaxy as they devour each other. (Explosions everywhere - our most impressive effects sequence EVER!!!) Jonas finally translates the inscription on the scroll: "There can be only one."

On the Asgard home planet the surviving Replicator (wobbly from chronic indigestion) scales a tall building - the tension is palpable!!! On top it raises its pincers/arms thingies aloft where it is zapped by a powerful energy strike!!! Sam gloomily predicts THE END OF THE UNIVERSE as the Replicator’s battery is charged up providing an inexhaustible power supply. BUT in a totally surprise development, the Replicator explodes from a power overload!!! It then starts pissing down with rain - shorting out all the scattered individual blocks. The Replicators are DEFEATED once and for all!!!

In gratitude the Asgard lend SG1 a ship to fly them home (they would have used that round stone thingie with the funny glyphs on, but no one can remember how it works.) Back at the SGC they receive a heroes welcome but their joy is short-lived!!!

Because in the meantime, unseen on-screen, Anubis has been quietly TAKING OVER THE EARTH!!! Europe fell as far back as the fifth episode. The fall of Russia was foreshadowed by Major Davis in episode nine when he said to Hammond "We’ve lost contact with the Russians, Sir."

In our MOST EXCITING TWIST EVER, Anubis is revealed as...Colonel Simmons!!! (The NID are all Goa’ulds as well.) The fiend has managed to sneak the back up generators out of the SGC and as he pulls the plug on the last remaining pocket of resistance, SG1 are plunged into blackness, facing their darkest hour yet!!!

Stayed tuned for Stargate II: Independence Gate coming to a theatre near you soon!!!

YoullNeverGuess <youllneverguess@bradwright.com>
Oh bugger, Canada - Sunday, March 24, 2002, 11:02 AM

Sorry, Bunny.

Our latest demographic research--which consists entirely of Joe hanging out online with his buds--indicates that our fanbase consists of teenaged boys with ADD who play 16 hours of video games a day.

As for the women, well, you know you can’t sell chicks to advertisers unless they’re below the age of 30 and buying makeup and tampons. Women don’t buy fast food, computers, or cars. Only unemployed drug-addicted teenaged boys buy computers and cars! no wait, um, only gainfully employed young men trying to impress women buy cars. But you get the point.

That’s just the way it is. Don’t rock the boat.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, March 23, 2002, 11:05 AM

I’ve got a TREMENDOUS spoiler for tonight’s new episode!!! It seems that the Goauld system lords have all developed a terrible nutritional deficiency, and so they have all taken up CHEWING THE WALLPAPER! Just watch if you don’t believe me--in just one scene, Osiris and Zipacna consume 14 metric tons of wallpaper before your astonished eyes in a matter of moments! Incredible writing, incredible acting, just...incredible!!!!

Superspy!!! <Secret!>
Not Tellin!, Nope! - Friday, March 22, 2002, 5:04 PM

I don’t understand. I was led to believe I was getting an award-winning Science Fiction show about a team of four established characters that appealed to an audience with a large female demographic. A Rolls-Royce of a Sci-Fi show.

So what’s this stripped-down Buick with no wheels doing, abandoned at my curb...?

Bunny Screwdriver <rubberstamp@formletter.com>
Glamour, CA - Friday, March 22, 2002, 4:56 PM

Damn, Secret Insider, you are SO not getting your memos! Maybe you should change your handle to "Nobody Tells Me Nuthin’!"

Yes, the new System Lord Outrageous, who managed to look good despite the bad makeup, was Shanks. Good thing I’m newly secure in my sexuality, ’cause DAMN! y’know’? Tight leather! Oh, my GOD! I asked him out before I realized it was him. Unfortunately, Lexa happened to be visiting on the set that day. She smacked me with her purse and called me a bitch!

Speaking of damn, Lexa can smack me with her purse any time.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 22, 2002, 2:46 PM

Yo, "Secret Insider!"

I only said Jack talking to Daniel on the phone wasn’t PROOF of a psychotic break. We gotta be nice to Tichenor. We were hoping he’d write another script!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 22, 2002, 2:32 PM

Hoping to cash in on the success of Star Wars (instead of The X Files which was, like, a totally disasterous yawn-fest) the show will be introducing KEWLLLLLLLL wacky aliens. Becos Wormhole Xtreme was so well received (by the PTB who were in it and a couple of studio-friendly journos) the aliens will be played by PTB. PDL was suggested as the fans still really like him but he was refused on the grounds that he would become as popular as Urgo and Aris Boch and we’ve seen neither of those again, have we? Joe Mallozzi said: "I want to be as popular as Martin!" It was suggested by an unnamed person that if he got his wish he’d better go buy a kevlar vest and watch out for falling pianos. Joe’s response to that is unknown.

EXCLEWSIVE PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERE!!!!!!!!!! www.geocities.com/sgteaboy

Click on New Spoilers at the bottom of the page! It’s all TRUE! TPTB told me so! It’s going to be a hell of a lot of fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Tea-Boy <takeoutthespoonyoumoron@teaboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Friday, March 22, 2002, 4:19 AM

In an effort to pander to the increasingly vocal demographic (obviously suffering from a collective form of PMSS - aka Praise Michael Shanks Syndrome), TPTB at Gekko and SciFi Channel have got together to give them what they want. Or else. I mean, the threat of thousands of screaming women threatening to beat down their doors and nag them to death should be enough for most quivering males to make them want to listen. I digress. Season 6 will be renamed Season 3.5. Daniel Jackson will wake up from his FIAD dream and everything that has been shown since will not have happened. Jack will have regained the use of his brain. Sam will have stopped simpering and become a normal superbrain. Teal’c will have regained the ability to speak more than two words in a row. The team (note the use of the word ’team’ here) will go through the gate - every week - and, get this, meet and greet new aliens! (There’s a novelty). The writers will (emphasis on ’will’) do some research. Daniel will no longer be wallpaper, no matter how pretty a picture he makes. He and Sam will regain their close sibling relationship and he and Jack will be their usual bitchy, snarky selves, finishing off each other’s sentences and generally looking out for each other - and hugs will be allowed again. The only M’n’M’s allowed anywhere near the show will be of the chocolate variety. And battled over regularly by the team mates - obviously. Viewing figures will rocket, Glassner, Devlin and Emmerich will love it so much that they’ll come back and look after it. And one of these days I’m going to be let out of this padded cell. OOooh look, there’s a flying pig. Noooo, no more needles, please. I’m not mad, honestly. It’s an alien virus. Just get Jack for me, will ya?

Major Cockup <Imnotmad@paddedcell.com>
UK - Thursday, March 21, 2002, 11:47 AM

Wh-what???? That woman in the episode we just filmed was *Shanks*?

I am soooo not getting my memos.

Secret Insider <canttellya@gekko.com>
Canada - Thursday, March 21, 2002, 10:49 AM

Sorry TV Zone, but you got it almost completely *wrong.* Michael Shanks never had a problem with Richard Dean Anderson; the mending was done with the "writers" of the show and he will be returning, but not as Dr. Daniel Jackson.

In a determined effort to get their way no matter WHAT anyone wants, thinks or opines, they’ve scripted it that Michael Shanks will return playing a new system lord named Outrageous, the God of Transvestitism. In thos role, Michael will be forced to wear tight black leather, six inch pumps, Tammy Fae level make-up and a beehive wig. He will also be sporting Anise-sized falsies. "The Powers That Be insisted that we only had permission to add more sexy alien women," Brad Wright commented. "We had to get Michael back somehow, and this was the only way."

Insider <Vancouver@HotDogStand.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Thursday, March 21, 2002, 9:20 AM

As this issue went to press, we received the suprising news that Micheal Shanks is set to return to Stargate SG-1. In an unexpected move, he told an online fan forum that he was ’keen to mend the relationship between himself and Richard Dean Anderson’, one of the show’s executive producers. However, while fans may now be partying in the streets in a carefree and windswept manner, it has emerged that Shanks will not be returning as DR. Daniel Jackson.

Instead he will play Dr. Jackson’s hitherto-unmentioned twin brother, Michael. Asked why he was not returning as the unbelievably popular Daniel, Shanks commented, ’it would be unrealistic to have Daniel return to such a mundane realm, to have him walk with Human Beings again, ingest chemical replenishment and interact verbally about the minuscule matters that concern the SGC. No, I think Michael will not only bring back the importance of Daniel’s independent and concerning ethical opinion, but do it with the fragrance and spice that only a long lost, West Indian, Tourrette-suffering brother can’.

Filming for the episode ’Oh Brother’ is due to begin at the start of April.

TV Zone #149 <tvzone@visimag.com>
London, UK - Wednesday, March 20, 2002, 6:17 PM

I have spoilers for the new Stargate spinoff. I heard from my sister’s hairdresser’s cousin’s roomate, who knows JM’s dog walker that the new series will feature the most popular characters from SG in a fresh new concept!! Jonass Quinn, continuing his mission of redemption decides to move to LA and, get this, "help the hopeless." He is aided in his mission by Cadet Haley-Sue and Marty, his direct link to the PTB.

Drooling Fangrrl <fangrrl666@allhailsatin.com>
Boston, MA - Wednesday, March 20, 2002, 3:24 PM

KinnickKinnick: "The injury was sustained when RDA apparently didn’t hear the director’s repeated cries of "Cut!""

Whereupon someone yelled "How can you tell in those pants?"

I have SHOCKING PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of mistreatment of stars on the set!

www.geocities.com/sgteaboy/index.html

The Tea-Boy <youwantsugarinthat@teaboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 6:00 PM

Teaboy, you *almost* had it right. Everything happened exactly as you described, except that O’Neil was *kneeing* Jarjar Quinn in the groin for three hours. The injury was sustained when RDA apparently didn’t hear the director’s repeated cries of "Cut!"

Next episode, Jarjar Quinn’s exceptionally high voice will be explained as an after-effect of having inhaled Helium.

KinnickKinnick
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 4:56 PM

DO NOT TELL ANYONE ELSE THIS!!!! Richard Dean Anderson’s knee injury happened during filming. In the scene, Jack accidentally kicks Judas Quinn to death for three solid hours. Sam and Teal’c have to be held back from rushing to their friend’s aid. When told to stand back by Doctor Fraiser, Sam snarls "The colonel needs help! What if he gets tired?" We also see the reappearance of the ribbon device and get to see Sam learn to control its effects...with deadly results.

The Tea-Boy <doyoutakemilk@teboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 4:06 PM

Hey, TPTB Double Agent...

Are you forgetting to send me my memos again? I was *told* Jack is going to have a psychotic break. So now you’ve all decided to make it some special effect phone thing so Tichenor has another toy to play with? Sheesh. Can’t you guys get this stuff straight?

Secret Insider <canttellya@gekko.com>
Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 11:01 AM

Yo, "Secret Insider!"

Jack isn’t having a psychotic break just because he’s talking on the phone to Daniel. See, we got this nifty misty white phone that dials up Oma Desala’s plane of existence, and we’re putting it right next to the red phone on Hammond’s desk! Only, if it’s not a REAL emergency your hand goes RIGHT THROUGH IT!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 12:49 AM

Hey! Guess what? Jack is actually going to be in two of the ten upcoming episodes! And I have it on good authority that he talks to Carter on her cell phone at least ONCE per episode! In one episode, he even talks to Teal’c on the phone! And in another, he talks to Daniel on the phone, too (we won’t go into the fact that this means Jack is have a psychotic break...). I’ve heard that RDA also has a BIG presence in the 6th season episodes because they plan to run his PHONE CARD commercials during every episode! Whoo hoo!

Secret Insider <canttell@gekko.com>
CANADA - Monday, March 18, 2002, 11:03 AM

TPTB wish to announce that due to a slight oversight in their video collections (and notable lack of taste) that they wish to compensate for NOT having homaged the hell out of Kubrick by not only having Bal’al’s sarcophagus - featured in season 6’s episode ’Abyss: Return of the Little Fluffy Cloud la-la’ - rotate, but do so in SLOW MOTION to a backing track of The Blue Danube.

For UK viewers their will be a special edition broadcast combined with the National Lottery wednesday draw where the six numbered balls that could make YOU a multi-multi-millionaire shoot out of the box before Jack.

In addition to this striking new piece of information, it is also announced that Daniel Jackson WILL return as a psychotic red lightbulb. Good news for all those delusionnal wackos on the internet as it is rumoured he will not only recite one line but the full TWO VERSES of ’Daisy Daisy’ before SuperSam(TM) pulls the plug. Teal’c may join in the harmonies.

ConspiracyTheorist <shhh@somebodyswatching.somebodysalwayswatching.com>
Monday, March 18, 2002, 3:05 AM

(Notes stolen from Joseph Mallozzi’s desk, for distribution to the fans:)

"REDEMPTION (#601-602) - "The first two episodes are a two-parter entitled ’Redemption,’ written by Robert C. Cooper. Those of you concerned that there is less money to go around this year and that the show will pale in comparison should have your minds put at ease with this two-parter, in a big way. We added $4.95 to the budget!

"Redemption will see Anubis, who is still invisible (saves money that way) raising the stakes in a big way -- and also see the return of a certain guest character that everybody absolutely despised from mid-Season Five. As for Anubis, we’ll be peeling the layers on that onion but for those of you who haven’t seen ’Revelations,’ well, he’s not your typical Goa’uld. And wait until you find out why. He’s Santa Claus!"

DESCENT (#603) - "Peter DeLuise directs episode three, ’Descent,’ written by myself and Paul Mullie. This one will be another terrific-looking episode in which we do something we’ve never done before; pick up a writer’s guide. We actually sunk a camera for some very cool underwater sequences. Yup, our cast gets good and wet. The cast in the episode is Mullie’s pet goldfish Sweetums, a ceramic castle and some drifting flakes of food. The sequences look truly amazing. Special guest star, as most of you know, our man Major Davis in a CGI cut-out."

FROZEN (#604) - "Episode four, again written by the incredibly prolific Robert C. Cooper, is entitled ’Frozen.’ This one promises a very cool setting, a major revelation concerning a long-running arc, and the beginning of a difficult time for O’Neill. He resolves his problem with a space heater. I believe Martin Wood will be directing ’Frozen.’"

NIGHTWALKERS (#605) - "’Nightwalkers,’ written by Paul and I is -- ooh, one of those creepy, Earth-based stories that tie in to events from ’Desperate Measures.’ Or something. If I can find where I put my official SG-1 writer’s clipboard and pen, I’ll start it tonight. After I watch some big movie with an idea I like."

ABYSS (#606) - "Episode [six] is ’Abyss,’ the much-anticipated return of Daniel Jackson, written by our fearless leader Brad Wright because I would break out in hives and faint if I had to write a line for Daniel Jackson. Lots of Jack/Daniel scenes, banter, and the presence of a certain Goa’uld we haven’t seen since ’Summit.’ I think it’s Bastet, who never got a single line of dialogue in that episode. But she looks great in a tight black leather catsuit."

SHADOW PLAY (#607) - "Episode seven, entitled ’Shadow Play,’ written by Paul and I, will focus on that handsome hunk Jonas, and a possible return to his home planet to finish what he started; blow it up. But in a delightfully rascally way. He doesn’t bother to tell the rest of SG-1, as those guys have too much of that fuddy-duddy personal integrity ideal.

THE OTHER GUYS (#608) - "Now the slotting may change, because we may have to write Daniel Jackson back into the series by this time, but episode eight was written by Damian Kindler who co-wrote ’Need’ with Robert Cooper. Titled, ’The Other Guys,’ it offers a glimpse of SG-1 in action from a decidedly different point of view. A bunch of resentful, jealous writers. There are some shots of Sam in the shower."

ALLEGIANCE (#609) - "Episode nine -- finally, Peter DeLuise shows off his writing prowess to answer the questions: What is up with the Tok’ra after the events of ’Last Stand?’ What has happened to the Jaffa after the events of ’The Warrior?’ ’Allegiance’ will focus on the relationship between the Tok’ra and the Jaffa. Peter wrote this episode. It will totally rule.

UNTITLED EPISODE 10 (#610) - "Episode 10 -- as yet untitled, sees the return of a former System Lord. As soon as I decide which one everyone cares least about, I’ll slot him/her in there."

Mallozzi told fans that Christopher Judge ("Teal’c") and Amanda Tapping ("Major Samantha Carter") may be contributing script ideas because they they threaten they’ll commit suicide if they don’t, at this point. Tapping recently told Prevue Magazine that she is writing an episode for Season Six where Sam tells Jack that she’s never going to carry their relationship any further, because he’s very sweet, but she doesn’t want give up her career or risk ending up in court martial. "Everything is coming together very nicely," Mallozzi said. "I’m serious --no really--Season Six will be the best season yet. It’s funny. Some are looking at it as the end of Stargate when, in reality, it’s actually a new beginning. Season Six introduces a whole new dynamic and will essentially be the launch point for the movie and the spin-off."

Then I can dump all those characters I never created and take off on the momentum of the show with my own ideas and characters. Watch for "Quetzelcoatl the Talking Dyspeptic Goauld Chihuahua" next year!

007 <Bond@SecretAgency.com>
London, UK - Sunday, March 17, 2002, 9:42 AM

----- F L A S H B U L L E T I N -----

Knight-Rider News, Overknight:

In a BLIDING coincidence, MGM officials have leaked the news that, as of today, March 17th, 2002, the SG teams going through the Stargate will be required to wear green coats, green kneepants, black socks, black shoes with buckles, a green bow tie, a green stove-top hat with a shamrock and will all be required to smoke a pipe and say "Top O’ the Mornin’" to every alien species encountered.

When informed of the new uniform, ex-earth enemy, Teal’c, ripped out his own Goa’uld and died.

E. Hemingway <SAVEDANIELUPDATES@KnightRiderNews.com>
New York City, NY, USA - Sunday, March 17, 2002, 4:10 AM

Hey, Cathy at Burlington Coat Factory (which is so *not* there on the fashion scene) --

I mean, like, HOW can they use the Stargate when they, like TOTALLY blew up the dial-out thingie in that last episode and, like, knocked over some unsuspecting guy in a white shirt (and, like, why do they wear those white shirts anyway, dude. Not cool? Don’t they know anything about how, like, white attracts stains -- I know because my Mother *sigh* won’t let me wear white because she, like, says boys can see my bra through it -- and how hard it is to, like, get stains out of whites? I’ve tried EVERYTHING ... and I was even told, like, that old GOOP brand hand cream like my Granddaddy used to use would work, but it didn’t. So I’ve, like, TOTALLY concluded that anyone in the Gate room wearing white is the semi-sorta equivalent to a guy wearing a red security uniform on Star Trek: Vintage). I mean, like, sad, dude, but cool at the same time.

BTW, I, like, got my application off to MTI -- you know, like, that smart place in Massachusetts or Florida ... or, like, is it maybe, like, in Oklahoma? I’ve, like, forgotten.

Oh well. Off to my N’Sync concert to see Justin. He’s just, like, so handsome. Just like Daniel Jackson.

And didn’t that red crystal thingie they took out and replaced with that Russian DHD thingie (or was that DVD? Coz if it was, then Gen. Hammond is a dork because you can go to Best Buy or Circuit City now and get a cheapo DVD for about $99 and you’d think if the Pentagon would allow $30,000 for a wrench, they’d pay for a $99.00 DVD to protect the earth and all of its inhabitants therein) because now won’t the Russians be MAJORLY MAJORLY pissed off?

Brittney <BrittneysBoobs@SiliconeValleyImplants.cone>
Like somewhere in like California, USA - maybe like I think so - Sunday, March 17, 2002, 3:58 AM

More JACKSON XTREME news!!!!!

Guess who the BIG BAD is in the new spin-off series??? None other than Evil!Daniel from "Absolute Power"!!! That’s right! All Daniel, all the time! Nothing but Daniel XXXXXXXTREEEEEME!

(There MUST be a FEMALE Daniel in one of those Alternate Universes... she could be the new kick-butt love interest!!!!)

DeLuiseIsAGod <urgo@urgo.com>
Wayoutthere, Saturday, March 16, 2002, 10:02 PM

I’ve been told that there’s going to be an episode with the Sg-1 team using the stargate. The episode is going to have mythology in it and all the characters including Daniel will have something to do. Sam won’t be anybody’s love interest. Teal’c will have more than four lines. Jack won’t be dense and he won’t be treating Daniel as if he’s been instructed not to be too nice or friendly with him. All of them will be allowed to have friendship moments and their adventure won’t be based on a rejected X-Files script. I was going to tell everybody.....but it’s so unlikely nobody would believe me!

Cathy <cathybaxter@midlnder.co.uk>
Birmingham, Saturday, March 16, 2002, 3:33 PM

Yo, "SHHHHHHHH!"

You forgot Milo from the animated "Atlantis." He’ll be there, too.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, March 16, 2002, 11:53 AM

At great risk to life and sanity, I have just come from the super-secret meeting between TPTB, where it turns out they were planning the brand new STARGATE franchise SPIN-OFF series!

You guys are not gonna *believe* this! They STILL don’t get it--that all we want is to have the team restored, you know, to back where it was for the first few years. In an effort to tranquilize all the rabid fans demanding Daniel Jackson back, the spin-off is going to be about NOTHING but Daniel Jackson. In fact, it’s called JACKSON XTREME!

A new team is formed to go through the Gate (the one in Carter’s basement that was made out of her microwave) and explore. The team:

Daniel Jackson Daniel Jackson the Android (his head glued back on) "Daniel Jackson" from Wormhole Extreme (the comic relief) Mirror Daniel Jackson Ascended Daniel Jackson ...and in a brilliant move, the new supervising General is...James Spader Daniel Jackson!!!

I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m stunned.

SSSSHHH <Secret>
SSSSH, SHHHHH - Saturday, March 16, 2002, 9:19 AM

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 734: "NIGHT TERRORS"

I mean, this is really, really big stuff. It’s SO hot off the presses at Gekko, MGM, SG-1 production staff, it’s literally burning my hands. But I feel compelled to give out this spoiler because it’s so very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very important in the scheme of things and in the future of the show -- especially that of the HIGHLY POSSIBLE return of our bewuvved Daniel Jackson that I just had to share.

I mean, you are going to be SOOOOO blown away ... this is like NO spoiler that’s come before and it’s SO important as it sheds light on the subtleties of Daniel Jackson’s characters, his motives, whether finally (and hallelujah) that he’s gay or bi at least and whether or not Jack O’Neill has built an altar in effigy of Daniel with Teal’c’s help.

But I digress. The storyline is simple but tragic, viewed from so many different angles it is absolutely amazing. I don’t know yet who actually wrote this screen master piece but they should be honored with an Emmy nod and a SWG award.

Okay, so here’s the ENTIRE script, transcribed in painstaking detail. This one’s really gonna make you flip! Especially the Daniel Jackson parts.

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF NEW, UNEXPLORED EARTH-LIKE (AS ALWAYS) PLANET. IT’S DARK AS IT’S NIGHTTIME.

NARRATOR:

Itwas a dark and stormy night ...so they all went home."

E. Bulwer-Lytton <SomewhereBuriedInEngland@Paupers.com>
United Kingdom, Saturday, March 16, 2002, 2:57 AM

Hey, ShatsAStud!

No offense taken. McCoy fans unite!

And please: COWORKERS. Double agent, you know. And apparently the friggin’ coffee boy. Huh!

And yes, Fauxnication, April 1st does fall at the beginning of April.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, March 16, 2002, 12:21 AM

TPTB Double Agent:

No offense intended about the Late Great Bones. Dr. McCoy was *MY* favorite character and a true gentleman the times I met him.

But, he *is* gone, sadly.

If only the same could be said of some of YOUR friends at TPTB ... not that I want them dead. I just want them to go away ... like they made Daniel Jackson go away

ShatsAStud2 <HorsesNWimmen@ShatnersDisposal.sick>
Malibu, California, USA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 11:36 PM

Would that be April 1st, TPTB Double Agent?

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:22 PM

Aggravation

When Sam shoots Jonas a couple of times, she has to question her motives.

Meanwhile, Jack is forced to question her aim.

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:16 PM

Michael will not only bring back the importance of Daniel’s ethics and conscience, but do it with the fragrance and spice that only a long lost, west indian tourrette-suffering brother can - filming of the episode "Oh Brother" is due to begin at the start of April.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:08 PM

More spoilers as promised, er, 5 months ago...

Season 6 Episode 18 "Fluff'n'Fold": Yu (you thought he was dead, but he ain't) and Nurti open an intergalactic Washeteria to legitimize their goa'uld money 'laundering' operation. The Tok'ra Organized Crime Unit (TOCU) get wind of it and contact the SGC to see if SG1 will do an uncover sting. After Gen. Hammond gathers his shirts (the ones with the mustard and ketchup stains), The Tok'ra, Dounwhend, brings four laundry baskets - specially rigged with hidden cameras and a secret compartment to store Dr. Pepper and Cheetos - to our beloved team along with the gate coordinates to P3X-999999999. After some squabbling over who gets to use Tide or Ajax, the team manages to do their laundry, shut down the Washeteria, and have a snack at the local Mickey D's before heading back to Earth. Poor Jonas/Judas/Jonah forgets to bring extra money with him so he only gets a 4 chicken nugget kid's meal, paid for by a very disgruntled T'ealc. *sigh*

Season 6 Episode 23.5 "Within The Python's Grasp": Sam gates to an unspecified location (TOP SECRET) to document baby star migrations across the Almond Joy and Skittles galaxies. During a freak lunar flare (it could happen!) Sam is deposited on a mysterious planet inhabited by the Knights of the Round Table cavorting around in a cardboard castle and singing annoying songs about Spam and Sperm. The bumbling knights 'assist' Sam in locating the long-lost DHD, and in warding off the local goa'uld giants with glowing eyes, horned hats, who run around saying "Ni!" while clapping empty coconut halves together and generally irritating everyone they come across. After finally locating the DHD (under a pile of empty cans of Spam), Sam gates back to the SGC, only to be greeted by Gen. Hammond dressed as a Lumberjack.

I'll be watching the trash as usual for more gems to share with you...

Ginger Vitis <ihatespam@spam.com>
Vancouver, BC - Monday, October 28, 2002, 12:26 PM

THE TALENTED MR. QUINN:

Jonas Quinn is an alien scientist. When his experiment goes badly awry, he is driven by his overwhelming dysphoria and an even more overweening drive to assuage this angst by belonging to allow another to take the blame. He then insinuates himself into his victim's life, taking over his victim's job, office, friendships, possessions, and pets. Quinn's talents, alluded to in the title, include lying, impersonation, stealing, reading really fast, and holding his breath a long time.

It's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody. You'll love him.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, October 12, 2002, 12:43 PM

OK GUYS AND GALS WELL THE WRITER FOUND OUT THAT I HAD TOLD YOU THAT THEY WERE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING NEW BUT OLD YOU REMEMBER THE SUPPER SAM LOOK A LIKE THE BLOND REPORTER. WELL SO THEY MIGHT CHANGE IT SORRY FOLKS GUESS I WAS A LIL TO WRITE ON. WELL SO NOW THAT BRAD AND SCI-FI ARE FINALLY LISTENING TO US HERE AT SDJ SUPRISING ISNT IT LOL WELL THEY ARE GOING TO KILL JONAS OFF DURNIGN THE SEASON PREMIER IN JANURARY WELL I GUESS THEY DIDNT LISTEN ALL THE WAY BUT THEY HAVE NOT DECIDED YET IF THEY ARE GOING TO BRING DANIEL BACK FULL TIME OR NOT THEY ARE NOW THINKING ABOUT HAVING THE DOC'S DAUGHTER TAKE HIS PLACE SEEING AS THO SHE IS FROM ANOTHER PLANET AND CAN SENSE THOSE BAD GUYS THE GU'LD WHAT WAS HER NAME OH YEA CASANDRA AND JUST TO MAKE IT DIFFERENT THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT MAKE SG-1 A 6 PERSON TEAM THE REPORTER JACK SAM TEAL'C CASANDRA AND THAT STUCK UP SMARTASS STUDENT WE ALL MET IN PROGIGY YOU KNOW THE ONE I AM TALKING ABOUT BUT THERE IS ONE PROBLEM THYE HAVE TO RECAST HER CHARACTER BECAUSE SHE (THE REAL ONE) REFUSES TO WORK WITHOUT MICHAEL SHANKS AKA DANIEL JACKSON WELL WHEN I FIND OUT MORE I LET YOU KNOW AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD TO THIS PLEASE FELL FREE TO DO SO!!!!!

Desirae <Desirae0220@yahoo.com>
ogden, utah usa where the 2002 olympics were held - Monday, September 23, 2002, 6:57 PM

I have it on good authority that SDJ was planning on wearing white shoes after Labor Day at Gatecon. Thank God security was there to stop them!

Palace Drone
Wednesday, September 18, 2002, 6:45 AM

Sally--

"Crimes against fashion"? I'll have you know that Joe Mallozzi looked wicked cute in that Baal costume!

Whoops, I've said too much...

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, September 18, 2002, 5:48 AM

Jonas joins the Inuit and participates in some peyote rituals. He then becomes oddly attractive to pigeons.

SG-1 is anxious about his absence. They phone up the tribal headquarters and are reassured that Jonas will return. Jack's official report reads:

Nobody can get no sleep,
There's someone on ev'ryone's toes
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
Ev'rybody's gonna wanna doze.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, September 16, 2002, 7:44 AM

OK GUYS AND GALS I GOT SOME MORE NEW TO CONTINUE OFF WHERE WE LEFT OFF WITH THE SUPPER SAM WANNNA BE U KNOW THE BLOND SAM LOOK-A-LIKE (NO OFFENCE TO BLONDS I LOVE UM) BUT OK HERE IT IS SEE YOU KNOW HOW SUPPER SAM FALLS FOR A GUYS AND THAT GUYS DIES WELL THE WRITER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GREAT STORY LINE IF THE SAM LOOK-A-LIKE WOULD FALL FOR JACK AND QUINN U KNOW THE FRIENDLY LIL ALIEN GUY THAT CAME ON THIS SEASON JONAS, WELL SEE THE DIEING THING ONLY APPLIES TO SAM BACUSE SHE IS JUST WAY TO HOT AND YES WHERE THE REPORTER IS GOOD LOOKIN NOTHIN CAM TAKE SAMS GOOD LOOKS PLACE AMONG US HEHEHEHE. WELL USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS FROM THERE AND SORRY IT IS NOT MUCH NEWS BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU ALL WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AND LIKE I SAID WHEN MORE COMES MY WAY ILL LET YOU KNOW. NOW "DON'T BE AN ASS JACK" SAID BY MY FAV CHARACTER U KNOW HIM THE ONE THAT DIED I SO SAD!!!

DESIRAE <EVALEWIS021@MSN.COM>
OGDEN, UTAH - Tuesday, September 3, 2002, 1:26 AM

SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON FINALE!!! "FULL CIRCLE"

To their horror, the writers over at Bridge discover that there are a few popular characters from the earlier seasons that they actually haven't killed off yet! This situation is remedied in FULL CIRCLE, where Kasuf and Skaara die. Daniel Jackson returns, to die again by the end of the episode.

Jonas, of course, lives on and on and on and on...

Jonas finds the candy wrapper from Daniel's original visit to Abydos, 7 years earlier, and desperately licks the chocolate off of it. This is mistaken for character development.

C4U

Curtains4U
Thursday, August 29, 2002, 8:25 AM

This week's episode: PROMETHEUS

A TV producer betrays SG-1.

Jonas's refusal to act in the midst of a crisis leads to someone's death. (Now where have we heard that, before...?) The character who dies needlessly is the TV producer. That's the plot, not a death threat.

Sam is trapped in a closet, but she has a pair of bobby pins handy and saves the day.

Commissary Sue <Chow@bridge.com>
Friday, August 23, 2002, 9:47 PM

Hey, I don't know where you're getting your information, but the spoiler you posted about SMOKE & MIRRORS is ALL WRONG!!! As I've stated before, and I will STATE emphatically again, NID conspiracy stories are NOT a big part of the SERIES!!!! In fact, SMOKE & MIRRORS is just that, about smoke and...uh...mirrors. The newly-revamped SG1 team gate to a planet that is a perpetual carnival. Sam gets kidnapped by the evil Carnie Master Alien; Jack blows up some stuff and passes out from smoke asphixiation (also reinjuring his knee), and Jonass has to save the day by dressing up in a clown suit and posing in a lot of mirrors. Teal'c decides to become one of those creepy white-trash bouncers who check tickets at the ferris wheel--he's already got a cool tattoo. I'm NOT going to share any more of this, except Michael Shanks is expected to guest star, as one of the lights on the carousel. So keep your eyes peeled...and remember, NO NID Conspiracy stories happen here!!!

A Producer
Friday, June 14, 2002, 1:37 AM

Not really a spoiler, I just wanted to share a little ditty I've been humming around the office:

Brave Sir Jonas (adapted from "Brave Sir Robin" by Eric Idle)

***

Bravely bold Sir Jonas went forth from Kalona.
He was not afraid to die, o brave Sir Jonas.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Jonas.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Jonas...

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off,
and his...

***

Brave Sir Jonas ran away
Bravely, ran away... away...
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Yes, brave Sir Jonas turned about
And gallantly he chicken out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat...
Bravest of the brave, Sir Jonas.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 11, 2002, 2:34 PM

Here are the REAL spoilers for SG-1 Season Six. See how you feel about these:

6X1/2 Redemption (parts 1 & 2) Friday June 7th & June 14th on SciFi at 9pm Drey'auc is dead and Rya'c joins his father Teal'c on a mission with Bra'tac to prove his path is right. Anubis attacks the Stargate to destroy it; O'Neill and Carter must take out the second Death Glider prototype ("Tangent") since they can't contact their allies. Teal'c is told of SGC's plight and must stop Anubis. Jonas Quinn and a Russian envoy to SGC appears. Began filming Febuary 16th. 6X3 Descent June 21st SG1 is trapped aboard Osiris' Mothership which crashes underwater. Jacob Carter and Major Davis appears. 6X4 Frozen June 28th The SGC's study of the Antartic Gate site reveals a woman buried in the ice who is revived and carries a disease. 6X5 Nightwalkers SG1 investigates a Gou'ald infestation in a local Earth town involving NID and Conrad ("Desperate Measures"). 6X6 Abyss Jack is blended with a Tok'Ra who gets him captured by the Gou'ald. The Tok'Ra committs suicide to prevent its knowledge from falling into enemy hands and Jack is tourtured for the information, being killed repeatedly then ressurected by a Sarcophogus. Daniel Jackson visits Jack in his head to keep him sane. 6X7 Shadow Play Quinn's mentor (Dean Stockwell) visits him to tell that their people are about to use a deadly bomb in their nation war. 6X8 The Other Guys While escorting physicists off-world, SG1 is taken captive by Gou'ald hoping to curry favor with Anubis. A pair of escaped physicists (ENT's John Billingsley) who rever SG1 must rescue them. The episode is told from their POV. 6X9 Allegiance SGC's Alpha Site is crowded with Tok'Ra and Jaffa refugees and tensions mount between them when the base falls under sabotage. Jacob Carter and Bra'tac appear. Examines the relationship between the Tok'Ra and Jaffa. 6X10 Cure SG1 is offered a deal for a miracle medicine from an alien world, but the source is Egeria, Gou'ald Queen Symbiote who created the Tok'Ra 2,000 years ago on Earth and is now dying. 6X11 Prometheus (part 1 of 2) The press learns of Project Prometheus, the official bank name for the SGC. The SGC must create an elaborate ruse to mislead the press, but it is complicated by Adrian Conrad and the Gou'ald from "Nightwalkers". Col Simmons appears. 6X12 Unnatural Selection (part 2 of 2) The "Tangent" Death Glider returns. 6X13 Metamorphosis 6X14 Smoke and Mirrors 6X15 Sight Unseen 6X? Fragile Balance Involves human clones being used for slavery, originally slated for late Season Four. The Asgard and a new character appear.

*Sigh*
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 6:45 PM

THIS JUST IN!!

I heard from a secret source (who may or may not be my nephew who works in the MacDonalds in Vancouver and overhead BW talking about it at the counter while ordering his Big Mac'n'Cheese), that the next episode to be written will be called "Three Fingered Salute". He didn't get the whole rundown, but the gist of it was as follows:

On returning from a romantic fishing weekend, Carter and O'Neill are shocked to find the Stargate is no longer working! Sam immediately starts running diagnostics while Jack sits on the table next to her making smart-alec remarks and pretending to be dumb. After almost 45 minutes, SuperSam realises that the gate's technology is in fact shareware and has gone past it's 5,000 year evaluation deadline. Unfortunately O'Neill's credit card is maxed out (all that bait and romantic roses) so they try Teal'c's, but the Ancients Registration Line is closed for an upgrade, so they can't buy the full version!

Luckily, O'Neil has a copy of "Gate Technology for Dummies" in his locker - left over from that time he got all that Ancients' knowledge stuck in his head, (seems a shame none of it stuck, but there ya go), but they realise they need whatsisface, the guy with the glasses, to translate it. Teal'c goes off on a suicide mission (not seen on camera), to contact whatsisface, which he does, then dies. No-one seems to mind much.

Anyway, whatsisface appears as a glowing fluffy energy thing which gets into the SGC mainframe and he communicates through the computer screen with SuperSam and ThickJack, a la War Games, and tells them to press "Ctrl, ALT, Delete, stupid" Which they do, and the gate works again. Hooray!

Then lots of stuff blows up, which is what we all really want, right?

Apparently this episode was inspired by an *actual event* where BW left his talent open on the desktop and then accidentally reset the computer. All talent was tragically lost.

plausible deniability <notmeguv@bridge.com>
Vancou...er...London, UK - Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 8:43 AM

I actually wrote the 12th episode for Season 6, thank you very much. SG-1 is attacked by giant creatures with shells and only the brave, clever and strong Jonas saves everyone by luring them into a huge stock pot and boiling them alive, after which they are really lovely with melted butter and old bay seasoning, or (as Daniel suggests from the ascended plain) steamed with a little garlic. The episode is entitled JONAS GETS THE CRABS.

Commissary Sue <Chow@bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 1:22 AM

In a plot borrowed from real life on the set (ie: the infamous "flatulence memo") SG-0.75 does battle with giant gastropods, who emit noxious er, emmissions to propel themselves through the air. Hijinks ensue as the team battles the stink and make horrible bathroom humor puns.

It's almost curtains for the wacky SG-0.75 comic alien duo, but Jonass reads a medical manual really, really fast and realizes that the answer to their problem is Tums (the anti-gas kind, not the regular antacid variety--just in case you were wondering). Sam whips up a huge blender and chops up a factory's worth of the little antacids and O'Neill comes back from his vacation just in time for the last five minutes, where he flies a WWII plane over the amazing stinky pods and peppers them with Tums, thereby saving the world, once again.

It's not over yet though! The gastropods fall out of the sky, landing on Jonass and crushing him. To death? It's a cliffhanger where we all wait with baited breath to see if he survives until next week---or not.

(I know what MY vote is)

scriptgrrl <scriptsfordummies@vanbridge.com>
Tuesday, June 4, 2002, 11:50 AM

"MEN IN OLIVE DRAB"

The earth is attacked by giant flying slugs. Sam and Jonas save the day by setting up beer traps and sprinkling salt on them!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, June 4, 2002, 10:50 AM

Here is how I would like season 6 to start:

Jack wakes up with a start, and heads to the bathroom and lo and behold, there is Daniel Jackson, coming out of the shower. He's alive! and Jack realizes all of Season 5 was just a dream...

Nick Lilavois
Monday, June 3, 2002, 6:45 PM

SEASON SIX, EPISODE ONE:

Jonas offers to box with Teal'c for a chance to be made a member of SG-1. He spends the rest of the season in a body cast, eating through a straw, but they spraypaint an SG-1 logo on his chest and wheel him through the Stargate on every mission. Teal'c uses him to bludgeon bad guys.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, June 3, 2002, 5:33 PM

In the first episode of Season 6, a surviving character from the first three seasons is discovered hiding off-planet and she is quickly killed off.

You're next, Chevron-Guy!

Commissary Sue
Vancouver, BC - Monday, June 3, 2002, 4:08 PM

SPOILERS for the first episode of Season 6! We find Teal'c in a situation that never, ever happened to him before; his woman is dying because she needs a new symbiote. His son has been 'aged' slightly since we've last seen him; like to about 34. Meanwhile, the Stargate is busted so while Jonas desperately looks for a "Stargate Repair for Dummies" book at the local Barnes & Noble, Carter fixes it with a bobby pin at the last possible moment. Jack O'Neil sits in a corner and grunts. Some stuff blows up. General Hammond's mother-in-law proves to be a Goauld, after all these years. A piece of paper falls off the conference room desk and Jack is convinced it's a former character from the show whose name shall never be spoken again on pain of death by MGM. A PR firm's staff go into convulsions when they are attacked by replicators that look like teensy tweezers. A production crew in Vancouver eats itself alive. It all turns out to be an alien plague that spreads through the ingestion of tainted cheerios.

InTheKnow <TrustMe@Bridge.com>
Monday, June 3, 2002, 4:03 PM

New spin-off!

We're so convinced that season 6 is going to be a huge success that we've convinced MGM to back our new spin-off, "Stargate: Airman Poochinsky." Starring Jelly as the sassy telepathic dog who saves the world a lot and Executive Produced by Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie, this wacky offbeat comedy should draw in a whole new demographic--dogs!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, June 3, 2002, 10:54 AM

Satragte need to be restored to the way it was in season 1-4, season 5 was completely bogus. I mean, how can you just rip SG-1 to pieces!? Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Sam ARE SG-1, now they want to take Daniel away. I've also heard that O'Neill will be being in only 15 out of 20+ episodes... Richard Dean Anderson, WHAT THE HELL R Y DOIN'! Michael Shanks, if you read this, PLEASE, get than Cohen guy to listen to us. I feel like I'm going to literally SCREAM!!!!! Stargate was so good once, now it's basically going onto the small screen. BRING DANIEL BACK, the last episodes should be of SG-1, defeating the Goa'uld then being together on Earth... No deaths... no enlightenments, just together. They should only be able to become enlightened, NOT killed. DAMN IT!!!! Who agrees?

Amy <Dark_Interloper@Yahoo.com>
UK, England - Sunday, June 2, 2002, 11:54 AM

It's no wonder the Powers That Be felt the need to rid themselves of that sinful little tempter, Daniel Jackson. Ever notice that in the flashbacks, his father looked EXACTLY like Set? Daniel Jackson the son of...could it be...SATAN?!

Hortense <HorseButt@Sycophant.com>
Fundy, CA - Thursday, May 30, 2002, 5:33 PM

"Then the sailors said to each other, "Come, let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity." They cast lots and the lot fell on Jonah. So they asked him, "Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us?..."

--Jonah 7-8

God <talk2me@Ihear.com>
Thursday, May 30, 2002, 5:22 PM

Daniel returns, Jonas shows his true colors, having intimate knowledge of the SGC and SG-1 he’s a dangerous opponent, and they have to really work (and THINK) to take him down.

Hard.

Jack has to use not only his Special Ops/Black Ops skills but also his BRAIN, Sam tries to simper and gets shut down (sorry, I’m not toatlly against ship but it just doesn’t fit the plot or the characters). Sam then turns around and applies *her* brain to solving a difficult piece of the puzzle, eventually leading a secondary team in there to assist in kicking some Jonas butt.

Teal’c is recalled from wallpaper duty into active service, and I mean ACTIVE. He has LINES and things. In fact, he’s been a silent observer of all Jonas’ little odd behavior quirks and has had deep suspicions about what the little weasel has been up to, and he actually SPEAKS to O’Neill and Hammond about those suspicions.

Jonas takes the recently-descended Daniel hostage since, after all, he’s the logical bargaining chip, and hauls him through the ’Gate to... elsewhere. While O’Neill, Teal’c, and his team of SFs track them to Jonas’ Evil Lair (work with me, this is important), they get to deal with Jonas’ flunkies. Big guns get used, but so do actual military TACTICS. (Thinking, remember?)

Daniel, stuck with Jonas in his Evil Lair, is single-handedly responsible for a: discovering Jonas’ Evil Plan, b: attempting an escape (which fails ONLY because we still need a few minutes of suspense left in the episode... well, and because of flunkies too), c: kicking Jonas’ ASS accompanied by lots of character-derived angst for all the hell Daniel had to go through before he ascended.

Meanwhile, O’Neill and Teal’c are holding off an ambush -- tactics, remember? -- and Carter’s secondary team comes in to assist in the mop-up. Some nasty, evil Jonas Evil Weapon is used on her, and O’Neill and Teal’c, which causes O’Neill some hurt, but causes Sam to lose a whole host of superpowers and become a normal human being again. Maybe it messes with her mind somehow, I haven’t figured that part out yet. And it affects Teal’c’s symbiote as well so that for once he isn’t merely the muscle behind SG1. He IS, however, still able to move, think clearly, and SPEAK in a way that assists the team to kick more butt.

Finally, the team (team, Team, TEAM) is reunited, all a bit worse for wear but not too close to death or anything -- although Sam’s been a little mentally tweaked -- and just as they’re about to relax and start taking CARE of one another, a final attack begins just outside Jonas’ Evil Lair. It’s a last batch of flunkies who were out doing something and came back as quickly as possible when they heard the Evil Lair was under attack (see, it’s even PLAUSIBLE).

At this point, things look really bad... and THEN, Hammond and the mop-up operation, AND Dr. Fraiser and the medical team, come sweeping up. We discover that, even though the gun is as big as Dr. Fraiser, she can handle it just fine, as she and Hammond lead their teams to a thrilling victory. (Hey, even medics go into the field armed at least a little, for defense.)

Finally, the WHOLE BLOODY TEAM, *plus* Hammond and Fraiser, PLUS the bad guy, are on the other side of the gate; the TEAM is back together, asses have been kicked, there are group hugs (Hammond took an ugly leg wound but thank God he’s going to be okay), and the party limps back to the SGC, exhausted, but victorious, to the cheers of the rest of the SGC.

Jonas DIES. He was unconscious and strapped to a gurney (Daniel, being no WEENIE, can kick ass too, ya know) in order to be dragged home for trial but he dies in the infirmary, waking up only long enough to spill his cowardly guts. His body is shipped home to wherever he was from.

The NID rear their ugly head, or attempt to, but Daniel has been around the block a few times, and Teal’c is no dummy either, so they have quite a bit of useful gossip on the bad guys. On top of which, O’Neill and Hammond have had QUITE enough, and in the ensuing fracas, which reaches all the way to the Pentagon, Major DAVIS pulls a few strings. Not only does he reveal a LOT more clout than we thought he had, he is able to shut them DOWN, AND gets the key military people reassigned to places involving drudge work and LOTS of supervision.

Senator Kinsey, the old fart, finally kicks off this mortal coil, and without political support, the remainder of the NID shrivels up and blows away. Without them stirring up trouble, the Russian Stargate program finally is able to offer cooperative support to the SGC and they actually start working on developing technologies to benefit the WHOLE FRICKIN’ PLANET.

Their alien alies are impressed with the amount of growing up they’ve done, and reveal that they were observing to see how the SGC would handle Jonas. While some of them are still unwilling to provide technology of their own, they point the SG teams in the direction of certain other cultures who might be willing to strike deals without violating any treaties.

Sam recovers from the bizarre Evil Weapon with a new outlook on life. Basically, she loosens up and loses the must-be-perfect-to-be-loved complex. She’s still a kickass physicist and Air Force Major, but she finally lets Sgt. Siler get close to her as more than a fellow motorcycle lover, and they fall in love, and he doesn’t DIE. She continues through the ’Gate with her team (team, Team, TEAM) but is no longer SuperSam.

O’Neill has rediscovered the value of his brain cells and proceeds to exercise them, a lot. He also has rediscovered the value of friendship, and while still a wiseass, gives up the macho BS and reverts back to being a compassionate and CARING wiseass. He’s much better now that the stress from the NID is dealt with, which means he finally treats both Daniel AND Teal’c, simultaneously, with the respect they deserve.

There’s more to this wish list, but you get the idea.

Peace!

Heather

Heather <heather@lapa.net (go ahead, I have a delete button)>
Lafayette, IN, USA - Wednesday, May 29, 2002, 1:47 PM

STARGATE OF THE APES--the Lost Episode from Season 3: While exploring a vast, jungle-like planet, Colonel Jack O'Neill contracts a virus that soon has him turning into a hairy, Neanderthal-like, green-eyed monster. The virus reaches its climax during a scene when O'Neill is looking at the previous seasons' ratings and discovers that Dr. Daniel Jackson is the most popular character. He then goes on a rampage, swinging through the gate room, as Teal'c and General Hammond stand around pointlessly doing nothing. O'Neill, of course, whisks Carter off to do with her as he will. To avoid the stupidity, Daniel Jackson gates to another planet that offers better acting roles. Gorilla-O'Neill continues to wreck havoc all over the base, mutilating it beyond all recognition. As he clambers outside to beat his chest and howl at the Cheyenne Mountains, he turns and sees that Jackson's loyal fans have constructed a 1000-foot tall statue in the archeologist's likeness that just WILL NOT BE DESTROYED!! O'Neill falls to his knees, yanking out his graying hair by the handful, and screams, "DAMN YOU, DANIEL! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLLLLLLLLLL!" Producers held this one back, thinking it would be damaging to Anderson's "pedigreed" background.

Anise <IalreadydresslikeJane@latex.net>
Thursday, May 23, 2002, 12:14 AM

Well, very hush, hush, but an exocisted was called to the studio today as it became apparent that several SG1 production people and writers where being possessed by the restless spirit of Irwin Allen!

This terrible occurance became apparent when they started churning out scripts that were rehashes of old episodes of Voyage To The Bottom of Sea and they seemed to think that nothing like these ideas had EVER happened in Scifi TV shows before.

It became very scary when casting calls were sent out for Patrick Duffy and Darwin the dolphin.

Scarier still is the casting call for a geeky overly smart little kid and a cute mischvious mutt. Can you say Land of The Giants??

The Parking Attendent
Wednesday, May 22, 2002, 1:05 PM

Episode 3: Titanic

In episode three, they are on a ship that crashes into the ocean and it floods. They are in a flooding ship. You don't see a whole hell of a lot of that on any SF television show (except Andromeda). We're so impressed with the way we've pulled it off, and Corin Nemec's ability to hold his breath as Jack holds Jonas' head underwater in an attempt to drown him is astounding. Thrill as Sam and Teal'c race against time and rising water to free Jaffa immigrants from the locked third class level!

Watch for the surprise ending in which Sam discovers the priceless dogtags, "Coeur de la porte des étoiles," ("Heart of the Stargate") in her coat pocket. Sam secretly keeps the dogtags until Daniel descends so she can return them to him.

Special guest soundtrack--"My heart will go on" by Celine Dion.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, May 20, 2002, 5:30 PM

Okay, this is really hush-hush, okay? It can go no further.

We're in secret negotiations to bring back Daniel Jackson, but not with Shanks. With Tichenor. We want to know how much he'll charge to make a CGI cutout of Daniel say recycled lines over and over again, and if it's less than what we'd pay for Shanks.

Failing that, we were thinking of using a cardboard cutout and pasting it to the nearest wall in every scene. We were only using him for wallpaper anyway.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 18, 2002, 12:51 AM

EPISODE 12 - "FEED ME"

Osiris is kidnapped by a Goa'uld eating disorder management center. S/he is fed lots and lots of yummy soup and sandwiches (tuna, of course) with only a little bit of mature symbiote in it.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 18, 2002, 12:36 AM

SEASON SIX NEWS FLASH!!!

In a fit of inspiration(or it could have been a coughing fit)the SG1 writers have come up with a brand new enemy even more insidious than the Goa'uld and the replicators.

In season six SG-minus-1 goes up against the evil and dangerous Itsjustatvshow lord of the planet QuinanQ and his trollish minions knows as pottdawgs.

In a terrible twist of fate, Jack finds out that it wasn't really Oma Desala that came for Daniel Jackson to help him ascend, but the evil Itsjuststvshow impersonating her and luring an unsuspecting Daniel Jackson to a hideous netherworld called gueststarstatus.

Will Jack, Sam and Teal'c be able to rescue Daniel Jackson from this state of limbo or will Itsjustatvshow and his pottdawg minions keep them from realizing their goal by constantly sabatoging them with the effects of his power to make them constantly act out rehashed plots from hit movies and other successful TV shows?

Manager, Plots'R'us

PlotsRUs
Thursday, May 16, 2002, 10:38 PM

THIS WEEK:

Enjoy DEAD ZONE on the SCI-FI Channel. Go directly to FARSCAPE. Do not stop at SG-1; take a long, hot bath or go out for peach shortcake at Perkins or watch Crocodile Hunter's Croc Files or Antiques Roadshow or drop by at your next-door neighbors for a chat or fill out some forms you've been putting off for awhile. You'll have a MUCH better time than if you stay and watch THE OTHER GUYS, this week's episode of STARGATE SG-1.

The premise: The regular members of SG-1 have become so boring, comatose or repellant to the writers that they've decided they'd rather write an adventure plot about anyone else. The cleaning lady. The mess hall cook. The SGC physicists. General Hammond's granddaughter. A stray dog down the road.

Instructor
Friday, August 2, 2002, 11:15 AM

THIS WEEK ON SG-1 SEASON Su..er, SIX!!!

ASPAWN TIME: It has been seven years since Jonas Quinn last had intimate relations with a female of his species, and we discover that he must swim upstream to spawn on Kelowna or die. The members of SGC discover him soaking in the fish tank in his office, anxiously watching the Weather Channel through the glass and hoping for a monsoon. They return him through the gate to Kelowna and wipe the address. No one wants his offspring returning someday to devour all the food on the planet and bore everyone to death.

Boiled Carrots
Monday, July 29, 2002, 3:22 PM

Next week--"Never send a geek to do a man's job." We make fun of all the nerds in the world, like computer nerds, scholars, comic book fans, sci-fi fans, RPGers, and, of course, any loser who spends his Friday night in front of the television...

*looking in mirror and blushing*

Um, forget I said anything...

*lowering head and slinking away*

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, July 27, 2002, 4:20 AM

Next week's episode: THE SHIP HITS THE FANS Jack and the team ship out through the gate (and if you freeze the frame for one spot in the departure scene, you can see what looks exactly like the image of Sam's face in the ripples, obviously a reflection of Jack's inner love). They arrive on Planet PIHS444, where all the natives look amazingly like Sam, so it shouldn't come as a surprise that Jack is seduced by the harem of the local leader and has an orgy aboard his private ship. Incensed, the Leader turns Jack over to a system lord aboard his orbiting ship. Jack is tortured and cries out in agony, which if you listen really carefully sounds like "Aaaauuuuuuggghhhhaaaaasamsamsamsamsamsamsamaaaauuuughhhh." He is thrown into a cell with nothing but a blanket as comfort, a blanket that is exactly the same color as Sam's hair, so it's highly symbolic. In the next torture session, he is injected with blue acid exactly the color of the blue jello so dear to his bunny-wunny Sam's heart, which is ironic since the acid will soon burn its way through his own. Jonas comes to the rescue and brilliantly and bravely saves him, but Jack knows deep down in his heart that Sam must have given Jonas the idea, because when he's recuperating in the infirmary, he blinks at her. Everyone knows that any underlying music score that has a "C" or "B sharp" in it is also code for shippiness. So this is an extremely extremely shippy episode, which is exactly what all of us male Demographic teens between the ages of 13-34 want in a military action-adventure sci-fi show...

Titanic
Monday, July 22, 2002, 10:53 PM

In response to the announcement that last week's SG-1 Season Six episode "Wow Excellent," the editor of a major SF magazine enthused "Jonas was the most incredible thing we've ever seen; he deserves an Emmy! And can we have our licensed photo repro rights back now, MGM?" GutlessWorld, the major SG-1 online fan forum, announced that the episode scored a rating of .9, which they lauded as the "Highest Rating Ever on SCI-FI for Any Series When There Was A Rainstorm in Vancouver." One of the writers was heard to comment "Wasn't that just the greatest script ever? And if you stick around until the spin-off, I promise promise promise spit-promise that in the very last episode, Jack and Sam finally kiss and go off into the sunset together to make babies. Just use your imagination until then and remember that whenever they appear to be looking at each other, they're actually in love." The Producer was heard to comment "This just proves that those nasty hormonal minority subversive insignificant lunatics over at SDJ are just a bunch of poopyheads and we know exactly what we're doing, and as soon as I finish writing a script for Michael Shanks in 2007, I'll submit it to him and prove that I meant to have him come back, anyway. Now where's my pencil...?"

Dr. Meuss
Friday, July 19, 2002, 3:10 PM

Spoiler for his Friday's episode:

ABONE

Jack O'Neil is captured by these guys with parasites in them whom he hasn't seen in so long that he's forgotten what they're called...Gourds? Gollums? He's used as target practice for a new Las Vegas act they're trying out for and is tortured along *with* the audience, for a change. He blinks for a moment and suddenly, there's the missing Daniel Jackson. Daniel begs him "Let me get you out of here. You're obviously suffering horribly. The show's turned into utter crap and you're surrounded by dorks. Ascend the hell out of here with me." Jack is tempted, missing his friend and he knows hell, Daniel was always the one with the genuine brains and emotion. But Jack is committed to try and muddle through, and in another blink, Daniel is gone. And so is what remains of the viewership.

Jonas bursts in to rescue him, teeth gleaming, and declares "I'm your salvation!"

Jack begs him to shoot him.

Robert W. Price Jr
Tuesday, July 16, 2002, 7:51 AM

Next Episode: BETWEEN REIGN OF FIRE & ICE

His brain addled by the symbiote, Jack goes nuts and shaves his head, grows a beard and starts smoking cigars. He recruits Sam and Jonas Quinn and they go off hunting huge dragons in England.

Commissary Sue <Chow@bridge.com>
Monday, July 15, 2002, 9:54 AM

You guys don't know this, but because I'm an insider in Wrestling world, I thought you should know: By the end of Season Six, Brad Wright plans to turn STARGATE SG-1 into his spin-off series, SMACKDOWN SG-1. The producers plan to gradually wean the viewing audience off the Stargate (you might have noticed that it's 5 episodes into the season, counting NIGHTWALKERS, and we've barely seen the Gate used *once*). The Team is released to other duties and Teal'c's love of jello wrestling leads to his realization that there's a lot of money to be made on Earth, as a pro Wrestler. He uses his enormous strength and combat skill to enter the ring in the alias of "Junior Jaffa," and becomes a popular favorite among the WWF crowd. Carter becomes his manager, and McKay begins a wacky romance with loads of snappy, sarcastic dialogue. Jack retires to save the rivers on every planet (so he can keep fishing) and Jonas becomes the host of a Discovery Channel nature show, "SeaQuesting with Quinn," where he is tragically mistaken for a sea lion by a pack of hungry orcas, who play with him like a beach ball for 45 minutes before finally eating him.

The Mutilator <Maul@WWF.com>
Friday, July 5, 2002, 10:52 AM

Vodo, I don't believe you are correct about this week's episode. I overheard the writers and the producer, in line for today's special of Tuna Casserole, discussing the plot and it sounds very different. From what I heard, Carter pretends to be a Goauld in order to fool the Goaulds who have inhabited the villagers of this town, and they only come out at night. Carter swallows something to make her eyes glow and gain their confidence. One scene has a Goauld attacking Jonas but the snake is repulsed by the taste of him and spits him out. There is a hilarious moment where Jonas is explaining the Weather Channel to Teal'c, who lifts an eyebrow and says "It wasn't funny the first three times. Get a life, banana-brain." At that point, the producer and the writers moved along to the dessert counter, so I couldn't overhear any more.

Commissary Sue <Chow@Bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Tuesday, July 2, 2002, 12:13 PM

I found the following MOVIE script sketched out on a napkin, while I was bussing the tables in the Commissary, last night:

STARGATE 2: BETWEEN THE DEVLIN & THE DEEP BLUE SEA

While exploring on planet XPDNT101, the crew of SG-1 are delighted to have Daniel Jackson returned to them by Oma Desala, who observes that the universe has been thrown seriously out of whack since he ascended, and if she has to watch any more lame muddling around or Ninja Jaffas, she's going to do a cosmic hurl. She ascends Jonas instead, transforming him into a fart that rapidly dissipates.

Restored to their original team, Teal'c, Jack, Daniel and Sam encounter another Dimensional Mirror. The device suddenly comes to life and Jack and Daniel are stunned to find themselves staring back at the image of...Jack and Daniel. Only these two are Kurt Russell and James Spader... (this is where the napkin was torn, and the rest is missing).

Commissary Sue <Chow@bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Friday, June 28, 2002, 9:50 AM

Next episode SPOILER: SINKING FAST

O'Neil, Carter and Teal'c are trapped aboard a Goauld ship that has sunk to the bottom of a huge Hot Tub. Jonas saves the day by holding his breat and diving down, where he ingeniously uses doughnuts as flotation lifesavers and brings the crew to the surface in the nick of time.

Commisary Sue <Chow@Bridge.Com>
Vancouver, BC - Wednesday, June 19, 2002, 4:11 PM

You guys are gonna go absolutely WILD over this news...Daniel Jackson is coming back. Yes, he's returning. Just one little minor detail, however; the role will be played by the Dell Computer Kid, in an effort to attract a younger, more 'hip' and desirable demographic. Every other planet, he will emit his signature line, "Dude, you're gettin' a Dell!" Dell computers will be a heavy sponsor for the program.

Commissary Sue <Mess@bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Monday, June 17, 2002, 6:58 PM

I've figured out who Anubis is in no time flat. It's obvious. You haven't seen her in at least two episodes now, coincidence? Disgusted with the exchange of filet mignon (Daniel) for boneless chicken (Jonass), Dr. Janet Frasier has taken up with the Goauld and is determined to destroy the mockery that SG-1 has become...yes, Janet is off the planet!

TweedleDee
Mars - Saturday, June 15, 2002, 10:00 AM

SMOKE AND MIRRORS (Mallozzi: "NID conspiracy storylines aren't a big part of the show.")

When a prominent politician is assassinated (Mallozzi: "NID conspiracy storylines aren't a big part of the show."), O'Neill becomes the lead suspect with indisputable evidence against him (Mallozzi: "NID conspiracy storylines aren't a big part of the show."). It's up to his friends at the SGC to clear his name and find the real killer (Mallozzi: "NID conspiracy storylines aren't a big part of the show."). They soon find themelves neck-deep in NID conspiracies (Mallozzi: "NID conspiracy storylines aren't a big part of the show."). Look for the return of Major Davis as well.

(Mallozzi: "NID conspiracy storylines aren't a big part of the show.")

TweedleDee
Thursday, June 13, 2002, 8:24 AM

I'm so excited, but there is no way I can tell you how I got this, but here's some of the plots for the newest season 6 episodes!!!!

I don't know the titles, but here goes…!

1. SG-1 gates to a planet to study a full eclipse that will last for 3 days. They set up camp miles away from the Stargate and when darkness falls the find themselves attacked by creatures that only come out when it's dark! With flashlights failing, and Teal'c leading them firing into the darkness with his staff weapon, they race back to the gate. Will our team make it back in time?

2. This episode starts off on Earth but ends up taking the team back in time! When a strange machine is discovered in the basement of an old English country mansion SG-1 is sent to England to investigate. Jonas makes friends with a writer, and ends up becoming his own great-great-grandfather; after all he is the new romantic lead!

3. When checking out a spaceship that crashed on a planet where the SGC has been trying to set up its new offworld base, they discover the entire personal of the base is missing. Then they discover a little girl who tells them the base was taken over by aliens who use humans as food for their young, eating their way out of the bodies. This one sounds scary…

4. A Stargate is discovered on the moon. SG-1 and members of a Russian team have to work together to follow the clues and seek out the Ancients who left it there for us to find when we were advanced enough.

5. Teal'c and O'Neill take off in the Air Forces' latest adaptation of the Death Glider, but they are pulled off course and damaged by a meteor storm, and end up crashing on what they think is Earth; but it's not! It a world populated by chimps that can talk. Can Teal'c and O'Neill get back home?

6. Maybourne returns in a another action-packed episode where "Starsky and Hutch" help track down another Goa'uld killer loose on Earth; meanwhile Teal'c goes under cover as "Huggy Bear," as Sam again monitors everything from the van disguised as an bug exterminator.

7. SG-1 gate to a planet populated by giant roaches. Jonas suspects they are sentient and manages to communicate telepathically with the "big bug" or queen. The roaches learn the location of Earth and now SG-1 has to help defend Earth against an invasion.

Wow! Could it get any better? More later as I get them!!!!!!

Number 1 Fan!!!!!!!1
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 9:48 PM

Newest cast change!

Don't look now but General Hammond (Don S. Davis) is reportedly going to be replaced mid-season. Davis, won't be returning after the filming hiatus, is going to be replaced in an unprecedented move by none other than Homer J. Simpson. When asked for a comment Simpson's response was "Doh."

Reporter for the Vancouver Hearld
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 8:38 PM

I am beginning to suspect that our Air Force Adviser has been replaced. Yesterday, I had caught a glimpse of the backseat of his car, and it was full of dried roses, paperbacks with titles like, "Love's Greatest Challenges," and "Flying High," and several open boxes of bonbons. Today I caught him making google-eyes at Amanda Tapping, and sighing. Amanda Tapping was last seen heading for the hills…

That Would be telling...
Direct from the set, Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 8:30 PM

This just in!

The real reason they let Michael Shanks go.

MGM just released their 2001 budget for the stockholders. Excerpt from the report on actor's salaries:

"It would be more cost effective for us to pay Stargate SG-1's Daniel Jackson--portrayed by actor Michael Shanks--as a day player instead of keeping him on full time. As you can see in the chart below, we have calculated from the amount of lines and time he has appeared on the screen in the last two season, he could be brought back for 3 days work per episode, instead of the 5 days he is now getting paid for. As he is only appearing in each episode for the time it takes to film, which is an average of 3 days. We strongly recommend that Shanks be let go and rehired as a guest star--contracting him for only 3 days--as he will continue to appear in the episodes for the same amount of time."

Married to an account
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 8:22 PM

This even JUSTER in!

In a conversation with the producer and writers this afternoon, I discovered that the majority of episodes for 6th Season STARGATE SG1 will feature invasions by aquatic aliens. This will enable the newest member of SG-1, Jonas (as in Jonah of the whale story, get it?) to amply demonstrate his metahuman ability to hold his breath underwater for extraordinary periods of time. In sequential order, the antagonistic aliens will be: Giant Squid, Giant Clams, Giant Shrimp (an oxymoron), Giant Sea Cucumbers, Giant Koi, Giant Waterbugs (like the ones I grew up with in the apartment in Brooklyn), Giant Kissing Gouramis (one dies for the love of Carter), Giant Seaweed, Giant Sushi, Giant Crabs, Giant Catfish (Hammond helps defeat them all by getting *really* hungry), Giant Moray Eels, Giant Jellyfish and a race of crazed Synchronized Swimmers.

Hot dang, I can't wait!

NotJMS <SetNextDoor@bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 4:56 PM

Episode 1 on Sci-Fi:

Jonas challenges Teal'c to a boxing match and, utilizing the arcane martial art of his planet called "Chicken-Fu," he beats the daylights out of the Jaffa warrior.

Astounded by this feat and convinced that it proves Jonas isn't really the cowardly, lying, opportunistic traitor that they all thought at first, Jack and company instantly accept him into SG-1 as a superior replacement for the recently-departed what's-his-name.

Moe Jealousy
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 1:27 AM

SEASON 6 EPISODE 1: "Jackass: SG-1" - Jonas undertakes a series of tasks, desperate to prove himself worthy of the team and viewers. He offers to box Teal'c, dives through a closing iris and offers to swim across the pond on the ancestral Goauld planet. Sam and the Doctor fall in love and Jack is as impressed as hell and everyone loves and applauds the courageous, strong, swift, brilliant, daring Jonas! There is a rousing chorus of "Come all without; come all within. You've not seen nothing like the Mighty Quinn!" Daniel is swiftly forgotten, and Jonas gets top billing in the upcoming spin-off series AND the Stargate movie. We luv you, Jonas!

Padawan <Lars@Tatooine.com>
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 12:34 AM

Ok, I have kept silent for some time now, perusing all of these so-called 'spoilers'. I believe I have it on good authority that the following are indeed TRUE spoilers (I am a valuable part of the Stargate scriptwriting staff - I place all of the punctuation in the scripts):

Season 6 Episode 3.14 "Short People Got Nobody": SG1 gates to a very hilly, yet extremely grassy planet that is occupied by midgets insisting on being called "hobbits". The strange creatures run around with furry feet, smoking 'pipes' with a suspicious substance, while yammering on about a ring or something. Unbeknownst to the team, T'ealc is petrified of undersized beings, and begins to blast the tiny 'terrors' all the way to hobbit-heaven while screaming "For Our Father!!!". (apparently Kronos was not the 5'11" giant we have seen him as, he was actually a gou'alded dwarf from the Mines of Minora). After 20 minutes of rapid fire, T'ealc regains his composure and eeks out a quivering, "Indeeeeed." Since everyone is dead, the team members go through the hobbit belongings and pack up to return to Earth. Gen. Hammond is really pissed off, but Jack just smiles and makes a joke, so everything is better.

Season 6 Episode 10 "In A NY Minute": After Gen. Hammond insists that SG1 take some well-deserved personal leave to finally mourn the 'ascension' of Dr. Jackson, Jack discovers he is something of a writer. Together with T'ealc, he writes the pilot for a TV show. The show is set in NY, in Jack's apt, with three of his wacky friends - Sam, who now has a long curly brunette wig, and frequently pushes people and says "Get OUT!", T'ealc, who now lives with his middle-aged parents in Queens, and has quite a tragic love-life, and Jonas/Judas/Jonah who lives across the hall, has crazy hair, and keeps everyone in stitches with his antics (like running away from scary explosions and crashing into walls). When the NBC producers ask Jack what the show is about, he scratches his head and says, "Nothing. It's a show about nothing." Those wacky kids!

And there's more where those came from! As soon as everyone leaves the building, I get to empty out the trashes, and that's where I find all these little goodies...

Ginger Vitis <spamspamspamandeggsspam@spamgate.com>
Vancouver, BC/ CANADIA - Wednesday, May 15, 2002, 3:44 PM

In a surprise move, the final episode will feature the return of Oma Desala and reunite the cast of "thirtysomething" in a three hour celebratory extravaganza.

Uh, we're not sure about the plotline yet, but all the top-rated shows are ending by reuniting casts of past favorite shows. We followed the 'killing off a beloved character' trend, so we've just got to jump on this bandwagon too.

If anyone has any ideas, please contact scriptsfordummies@vancouver.com

Scriptgirl

scriptgirl
Sunday, May 12, 2002, 2:11 PM

I read that next year SG1 will be featured on a new FOX special called "When Good Shows Go Bad." The special will highlight the downfalls of once brilliant shows that abruptly went downhill due to disappearing main characters and lackluster storielines - and eventual death. Shanksless-SG1 will be headlining the special along with FOX's own Ally McBeal and X-Files.

Don
Ellicott City, MD - Saturday, May 11, 2002, 2:24 PM

Here is the original concept those wild and crazy writer guys at Stargate:SG1 bought from us. Now, of course I gotta charge ’um double for using it twice. Thanks for the tipoff.

Manager, Plot’sR’Us

Not suppose to let this out, bad for business. But here at Plot’R’us we’ve just made a huge, successful sales pitch to the writer’s of Stargate:SG1 and boy howdy did they take to it like a fish to water. Our plot idea they bought into? Well heck, it’s so big it’s gonna take a whole darn season to do and we also suggested that they start building up to it gradually in seasons four and five.

We sold them on the idea of taking the whole sixth season and doing a take off of *It’s A Wonderful Life*.

The best part? It’s very viewer interactive! All the loyal Stargate:SG1 fans get to be taken on harrowing and scary journey of what the show would be like if Daniel Jackson wasn’t there and all semblance of continuity to season 1 thru 3 was disregarded.

Course we had to do some fancy rearranging so it wouldn’t look like an exact rip-off of the Jimmy Stewart classic. So we had them replace Clarence the Angel with Oma Desala and this is the best part kiddies, we had them keep Daniel clueless and frustrated about what was going to happen to him.

Oh please that stroke of genuis was nothing. No applause necessary.

Well, don’t tell anyone I let this slip to all of you. Bad for business, you know.

Sales Manager Plots’R’Us

PlotsRUs Sunday, April 07, 2002, 12:51:04 AM

PlotsrUs
Friday, May 3, 2002, 9:45 PM

"PRETTY JONAS"

Jonas proves that fairy tales do come true as a scientist who finds romance--and a fetching, new wardrobe!--when he hooks up with Sam. But will the Black Widow Curse strike again?

"RUNAWAY SCIENTIST"

Jonas Quinn is a scientist with a problem - his reactor is about to blow and he has no courage or ethics. Retreating to his favorite wall to hide, Jonas hears about a young Major named Sam who, apparently, is a brilliant scientist, an expert martial artist, and looks really sweet in a tank top.

Sam Carter also has a problem - Jonas Quinn. Furious with Jonas about the death of her friend Daniel, she plans to even the score with him. But how? Can she bear to go on a date with him, even knowing it will mean his death?

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, May 3, 2002, 6:42 PM

Episode 20--"Back in Black"

The hour-long musical episode will be a tribute to rock and will feature Marty the alien and lots of neato-keen ’sploshuns with video clips of SG-1 shooting stuff set to music. The highlights will be a montage of every love interest O’Neill has ever had to the tune of "You Shook Me All Night Long" and a tribute to Sam’s boyfriends set to "Another One Bites the Dust." Stay tuned for the touching ship montage, "Hit the Road, Jack!"

Don’t worry, we didn’t forget Daniel! He and Teal’c have a funny montage to the tune of Canibus’ "Shove This Jay-Oh-Bee" as Teal’c returns to Chulak.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, May 3, 2002, 2:20 PM

Hey, "Powerless,"

Darn that Berman! He shopped his script around behind our backs!

I just spoke to my coworkers and suggested we use giant phalluses instead. They were NOT impressed. In fact, lewd remarks were made about my proclivities. Huh!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, April 30, 2002, 12:51 AM

Er...hey, TPTB, wasn’t that the plot of last week’s episode of ANDROMEDA?

Powerless that Be
Ruminant, KS - Monday, April 29, 2002, 2:43 PM

EPISODE: "APPLIANCE"

On another planet, there are traitors and sabotage among what we thought were a group of rebellious Jaffa. Hmmmm. Why am I getting an odd sensation of deja-vu?

BUT WAIT!!! It’s different! This time there are TOK’RAH present!!! That makes it *much* different. Jonass susses out the saboteur/traitor by reading "Espionage for Dummies" that evening, and dispatches him by threatening to make everyone stand at attention while he lectures about multi-level marketing.

Ripley
Aliens, CO - Friday, April 26, 2002, 9:01 AM

EPISODE SPOILER SEASON 6: GET STUFFED

The scene opens on planet PXE3339, where Carter, Teal’c, Jonas and O’Neil are fleeing from a force of Jaffa amidst bursts of bullets and zatfire. Carter appears to be supporting an injured and limp O’Neil, as they take cover and go into hiding in a cave.

Teal’c looks somewhat puzzled, and comments to Carter that O’Neil appears to look strangely limp. Carter dismisses his concerns as nonsense as she tenderly eases her CO to the floor of the cave and covers him with her jacket. Jonas pulls out a book on first aid and starts to read furiously. The sound of Jaffa searching beyond the cave passes, and the team settle in to wait until they can effect an escape by making for the Gate.

That night, they sneak out. Still supporting the limp O’Neil, Carter leads the way toward the Gate. They go quite a ways when Jonas suddenly comments that O’Neil appears to be leaking sawdust, and there is a danger that the Jaffa may be able to track them by following the trail. Carter insists that he’s crazy, that O’Neal is wounded and bleeding. Teal’c steps up and raises O’Neil’s head, and raises an eyebrow as he observes sewn-on button eyes and a burlap face with a photograph of Richard Dean Anderson stapled on. He does not comment, however, until the team has effected its escape through the Gate, amidst terrible battle.

In the Gateroom, Carter and crew arrive safely, except for O’Neil, who has now progressed beyond ’limp’ to ’empty’, a small pile of sawdust underneith. Carter gently places the empty figure on a medical stretcher and they head off for the infirmary.

SetLad <catwalk@bridgestudios.com>
LotsaDouglasFir, BC - Wednesday, April 24, 2002, 6:51 PM

Okay, this isn’t really a spoiler. Well, okay, kind of, but not really. I got a fan letter! I may faint!

I have to share:

"dear mr ____, i realy like the show i think u r the best!!!!! its the bestest show ever and i think u rock!"

Oh, be still my beating heart! Excuse me, I need to reread that paragraph. It’s like crack for my ego!

"i think jonas should get together with sam i think he is really hunkie and she is so beautiful and they would look really good together by the way ive seen a picture of u and u r hunkie 2!"

Excuse me, but are you of legal age, and if so, could you include a photo and your phone number next time you write?

I’m just going to read that again. Ego crack. You know.

Where was I. Oh yes. Fan letter.

"i hope ur not offended but my boyfriend thinks u r hunkie 2!"

Oh, be still my beating hormones! When you’re including pictures, do you have any pictures of your boyfriend in leather, ’cause ROWRRRR!

"by the way we miss daniel very much please please please please bring him back my boyfriend and i will do anything!"

Damn.

Well, I’ll see what I can do, but I can’t make any promises. I’m not Brad Wright, and as far as I can tell Mr. Wright does not find me in the least "hunkie."

BTW, if I find out you sent this as a form letter to every member of the production staff I will be VERY hurt.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, April 20, 2002, 5:27 PM

Sorry, Armadilla, but as the spoilers always warn, they are subject to change in the final draft. I’ve just heard that in "Anyone Can Play," the physicists have been rewritten to be Janitors that were cleaning up a messy campsite at the tail end of an SG-1 mission, when the team is captured. The janitors use the tools of their trade (brooms, mops, windex, plungers etc.) to foil the Goa’uld and free the captives.

It was apparently felt that too much homework would need to be done in order to script for physicists.

Nose

NoseBetter
Seacouver, Columbington - Wednesday, April 17, 2002, 5:21 PM

New episode:

"Anyone Can Play"

To suck up to the Big Goauld Kahuna, some Gou’ald plot to catch SG1. SG1 is on the planet RNDM999, babysitting a team of unattractive and poorly written new characters who are doubtless going to be seen over and over again, in coming episodes. They are scientists of some kind that doesn’t require much writing research.

Apparently the Gou’ald capture SG-1 and force them to read bad religious propaganda, speak lines that are wildly out of character and do political impersonations. One physicist flees back to earth, and the other two physicists (who are sycophants) decide to rescue SG1, utilizing a bobby pin, some steel wool and a space heater. In a physics-MacGuyver kind of way.

A Tokra also figures into the plot, played by Danny DeVito. He’s a really humorous character who makes rude body noises for which his snake is continually apologizing.

Armadilla
Houston, TX - Wednesday, April 17, 2002, 5:16 PM

Major spoiler!! Episode 10 3/4: LIVERANCE

What remains of the SG-1 team explore planet BUBA101, where they encounter natives that mostly live in a swamp culture and appear to be a mite backward. Sam, Jonas, Teal’c and a photo of Jack O’Neill drift down the local river in a raft, through dense wilderness, relentlessly pursued by hulking, inbred, primitive natives that play the banjo real good. Things get progressively creepier, until even Junior is scared! The crew is saved from terrible death when one of their foes recognizes Jonas as their brother (and father), and pronounce the rest of the team ’family.’ A piglike beast is slaughtered and a down-home barbecue ensues. Teal’c is thrilled with the food and is informed that the ’secret’s in the sauce.’

Episode 11 1/4: WITCH IN WOODS PROJECT

What remains of the SG-1 team explore planet Backlot224, where they are stalked by something scary. Jonas reveals a propensity for using a colorful word over and over again, when he scared, and needs frequent underwear changes. Something or someone keeps raiding their camp, and the psychological terror mounts until they take refuge in an abandoned house in the woods. There, it is revealed that the entity dogging their footsteps and terrifying them is Mediocrity. The episode ends with the terrifying image of Jonas, facing a wall and trying to speed read it.

Smoky <Bandit@chase.com>
Yeehaw, Georgia - Tuesday, April 16, 2002, 4:56 PM

Psst..yeah, you! Can you keep a spoiler secret?

There’s an episode of season six in the works called "The Man Who Could Love Carter".

It’s the beginning of the amazing and successful love story between Sam Carter and Jonas Quinn. In dramatic turn of events you find out the hidden secret why all of her previous loves have died and yet Jonas can love her and live to tell the tale. I’ll give you a big hint:

Narim: died cause he was heroic enough to stay and fight the Goa’uld.

Orlin: died because he was brave enough to sacrifice himself to stop the naquadah bomb from killing people.

Joe Faxson: died(?) because he was brave enough to hold off the Aschen Boren so Sam could get away and save earth.

Martouf/Lantash: died (at separate times) by sacrificing themselves to protect others.

So are you sensing a pattern here that causes these guys to die.

Jonas Quinn: doesn’t die cause he freezes in fear and lets another man make the sacrifice and take the fall.

Ah the ways of Twu wuv

Enquiring Mind
Tuesday, April 16, 2002, 4:08 PM

New episode: "Terrorist Death Threats!"

SG-1 goes to a planet where they are told that they are lousy shots and their mother dresses them funny, one local adding, "Mah blind mama kin shoot better’n you!" They run crying back to earth, led by the brave, hunky, charismatic leader Jonas.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, April 16, 2002, 2:46 PM

HUGE spoiler! Annoyed because fans keep demanding more Sam and Teal’c and criticizing them for not developing that relationship and for ignoring Teal’c for 2 years, the writers decide that they’re not going to play anymore; they don’t want to write about those characters because their fans are mean, so :-P Both Sam and Teal’c are killed off leaving Jonas who they wuv vewy vewy much.

spoiler chick
Monday, April 15, 2002, 10:36 AM

Oy but those daring little dahling writers from Stargate:SG1 just came back for more goodies.

This one is going to be a BIG hit with the fans. I’ve just sold them a nice little dittie called "The Archaeologist Died". Oh that’s right you smart little kiddies, its a rip-off..er I mean a take off of The Princess Bride!

You’ll sigh in sympathy as Jack, so distraught over low ratings leaves the SG1 to become the dread space pirate Robbie the Robot.

Sam will have her share of woes to, dear viewers as she must hunt down the six-fingered Eshcen who killed(one of her many)Boyfriends.

"He’llo my name is Samantha Carter. You killed my Ambassador boyfriend. Prepare to die!"

Oh and of course they have their very own version of Miracle Max called Marvelous Moe. "he’s only mostly ascended. A character upgrade will bring him back!"

This is going to be my personal favorite!

Sales Manager Plots’R’Us

PlotsRUs
Thursday, April 11, 2002, 11:18 PM

Daniel comes back as a regular member of SG-1!!! I found this exclusive spoiler written on a greasy napkin while going through the dumpster in back of the MGM commisary!

In episode 13, "Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner," while on a mission to PX66642, in a tragic case of mistaken (?) identity, Jonass is captured by a big honking stinky Unas who’s got a hankering for some extra crispy fried chicken. While slowly roasting over a roaring fire, Jonass goes into a dream state and is visited by Oma Desala, who tells him that while the fire may be hot his goose was cooked a long time ago. She offers him the choice of either becoming a Unas Happy Meal or atoning for his cowardice by ascending and turning into a fluffy white cloud, thus allowing Daniel to descend and return to his rightful place on SG-1.

Isn’t this just the bestest news ever??? :-)))

Colonel Sanders <do_you_want_fries_with_that@fingerlickingood.com>
Vancouver, Thursday, April 11, 2002, 4:49 PM

I’ve heard that the ep where Jonass returns to his homeworld will be the long awaited ’all singing, all dancing’ SG1 episode. Since both Xena and Buffy have had success with all musical episodes, TPTB have decided to pay tribute to the magic of Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber. In a triumphant return to his home planet, Jonass will greet his thousands of admirers from a convenient balcony and sing "You Must Love Me" from the Evita soundtrack. He will also sing an original song penned by BW & JM, "Don’t Cry For Me, Kalonna" I, for one, can’t wait!!

aria51 <aria511us@yahoo.com>
Boston, MA - Thursday, April 11, 2002, 4:41 PM

The final season of Stargate SG-1 is going to have lots of ME in it. I’m such a handome hunk (MGM said so) with such charisma (Brad Wright said so) that you will soon forget about that other character, wotshisname, Dave.

Come and see my very own homepage!

http://www.geocities.com/spacedonkeysg1/

Jonas "Handsome Hunk" Quinn <handsomehunk@charisma.com>
Cheyenne Mountain, current location Earth - Wednesday, April 10, 2002, 7:23 AM

New from a secret source:

You know the chick in the ice the SGC finds in Antarctica?

Apparently Jonass falls for her big time after using his stolen language skills to communicate. Unfortunately, their love is doomed when she’s captured by Apophis and, as appealing as she is with her radiant and exotic beauty, snaked by his current queen. He vanishes with her, and Jonass has to rely on the SGC to find her somwhere in the universe.

No, no, no...it’s NOT just like Daniel and Sha’re. It’s not, it’s NOT, it’s N O T!!! There are LOTS of differences. No father in law, for instance. And yes, there’s a younger brother who bonds with O’Neill, but he’s nothing like Skaara. He’s blond. And she comes from an UNDERWATER planet, not a desert. LOTS of differences...

Remember, you heard it here first!

Shhh

shhh <icanttell@secrets.com>
Tuesday, April 9, 2002, 7:06 PM

Marla--

I certainly intend no disrespect to Jelly. She is indeed a very cute dog with a very winning personality. She’s also shaping up to be quite the fine little actor and scriptwriter, and she works for tuna sandwiches!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, April 8, 2002, 11:24 AM

Don’t worry about Jelly, Marla. The damned dog as "Poochinsky" has more lines these days than I do. Believe me, he couldn’t be happier. And with Shanks gone he gets all the tuna salad sandwiches to himself.

Er, that is, if I actually were someone who had "lines." Er, uh, never mind... I never said a word.

Secret Insider <canttellya@gekko.com>
Monday, April 8, 2002, 11:01 AM

Season Opener: Tangent Too

The latest spoilers prove that season 4’s Tangent was so damned good, they filmed it twice!

Only this time it’s even better!

We have that extra shippy goodness tossed in as Sammie and her Jackums bond in the souped up Goa’uld glider with the Go-Faster stripes.

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Denial - Monday, April 8, 2002, 9:00 AM

Shadow Play: wherein is revealed that Jonas is an orphan, the hitherto unknown third Menendez brother. Alternative script title: The One Who Got Away. Later in the ep, after Jonas accidentally shoots Jack in the ass, Janet finds that he needs glasses, just like what’shisname.

In addition, BW and Joe have contacted Michael Shanks to ask for the loan of his charisma, charm and tremendous popularity for Jonas. Unfortunately for the program, it has so far proved to be non-transferable.

Lola
Vancouver, Sunday, April 7, 2002, 9:04 PM

Found some papers among my ’work’ tonight and just thought you guys and gals would want to know about this upcoming episode. It was wrapped around a half-finished tuna fish sandwich:

SHADOWOFAPLOT: Jonas (teaser) Jonas’ boss Jonas’ mom Jonas’ family Jonas’ family album (commercial) Jonas background Jonas career Jonas wishes and hopes Jonas medical history Jonas genius Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Wonderful Jonas handsome hunk Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas (commercial) Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas Jonas (commercial)Jonas (tag) (End Credits over Jonas).

Environmental Engineer <Janitor@Bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Sunday, April 7, 2002, 6:28 PM

Oh just had to share with you. Those wacky writers at Stargate:Sg1 have come back again.

Seems they have finally decided to that Wizard of Oz rip-off..err I mean homage.

The breaking news? It has has the return of Daniel Jackson!

Yes, sirree he’s back in this episode. The great plot twist that brings him back? Well kiddies, Daniel Jackson is the Tornado that takes his former Team-mates to the land of OZ!

Once there, they go on a glorious quest for Jonas Quinn to get his very own personality and background instead of a total rip-off of Daniel’s. (Well they had to do that in the first place because the MacGyver background was already being used by Jack AND Sam).

It will be a huge episode with special appearance by several MGM executives as winged monkeys and one of the writers making his acting debut as the wicked warlock of the west(look for the guy doing the bad Ming The Merciless impersonation).

Well that’s all I can tell you right now.

Sales Manager Plots’R’Us

PlotsRUs
Sunday, April 7, 2002, 3:35 PM

Okay, I shouldn’t tell you this. Really.

Jonas is an orphan just like Daniel! We discover this in the episode "Shadow Play," where the gamekeeper reveals that they had a block of stone dropped on them in a museum!

The difference being that Jonas had just been punished for ruining his mother’s good coat with his chemistry set and blamed his evil twin, Judas. Judas killed their parents in revenge! We learn that Jonas is hiding from Judas on earth and didn’t actually do any of the stuff that made fans angry in "Meridian."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Sunday, April 7, 2002, 2:31 PM

Ok, yes I understand this is for fun..and I am really enjoying the creativity going on:)

Please don’t yell at me for this, ok. It’s just that I have this soft spot for innocent animals and children who can’t defend themselves.

Writers and such are big people capable of looking out for themselves. An innocent animal like Joe’s pug dog Jelly is not. So, it kinda makes me feel uncomfortable to see her put in the *spoilers*.

Now this is just my view and I’m not doing it to be mean, I just felt strongly enough about it to speak out cause I do view her as an innocent animal and not responsible for any of the things gone wrong. Besides, I saw Jelly in the studio lot last fall and she is a cutie:)

Marla

GateAngel
Sunday, April 7, 2002, 1:00 AM

Not suppose to let this out, bad for business. But here at Plot’R’us we’ve just made a huge, successful sales pitch to the writer’s of Stargate:SG1 and boy howdy did they take to it like a fish to water.

Our plot idea they bought into? Well heck, it’s so big it’s gonna take a whole darn season to do and we also suggested that they start building up to it gradually in seasons four and five.

We sold them on the idea of taking the whole sixth season and doing a take off of *It’s A Wonderful Life*.

The best part? It’s very viewer interactive! All the loyal Stargate:SG1 fans get to be taken on harrowing and scary journey of what the show would be like if Daniel Jackson wasn’t there and all semblance of continuity to season 1 thru 3 was disregarded.

Course we had to do some fancy rearranging so it wouldn’t look like an exact rip-off of the Jimmy Stewart classic. So we had them replace Clarence the Angel with Oma Desala and this is the best part kiddies, we had them keep Daniel clueless and frustrated about what was going to happen to him.

Oh please that stroke of genuis was nothing. No applause necessary.

Well, don’t tell anyone I let this slip to all of you. Bad for business, you know.

Sales Manager Plots’R’Us

PlotsRUs
Sunday, April 7, 2002, 12:51 AM

I’ve just heard from a VERY reliable source that the SG-1 spin-off will actually be an animated show. It will be about as original as every other SG-1 episode has been over the past couple of years, so here’s the line-up for the first animated SG-1 season!

1) ATLANTIS: Daniel Jackson is discovered still living, under the sea, in an underwater civilization. For some reason, he seems to be calling himself by the name "Milo."

2) KING OF THE RING: Jack retires to suburban Texas and marries Sam. He stands around with his neighbors, holding a beer can, and sells propane for a living. Sam takes up substitute teaching.

3) JONAS & BALDHEAD: The alien comedy team of Teal’c and Jonas get into hapless situations that are alternately gross and stupid. Lots of Mountain Dew and Doritos sales out of this one, guys.

4) SOUTHGATE: They killed Elliott! Bastards!!! The SG .75 team are mutated back into little kids and much hilarity ensues.

5) WORM & STIMPY: Teal’c’s parasite goes off for a few adventures of his own with an old pal.

6) PUNKY & THE BRAIN: Daniel Jackson is back as a mouse, and wants to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!! (Yes, this is a slight recycling of the episode ABSOLUTE POWER).

7) GATESTONES: A flashback episode to the ancient adventures of Osiris and Isis, those wacky Goauld false gods.

8) SPONGEBLOB & SQUAREPANTS: More hilarious aliens invade Cheyenne Mountain.

9) SG-2 WHERE ARE YOU?: Ghostbusting teens and a talking dog (played by Jelly) are hired to hunt down the spirit that’s been haunting Cheyenne Mountain since the end of Season 5. They destroy the remnants of that spirit and leave. Ruh-oh.

10) THE LYING KING: A little self-effacing humor as the writers and producers of the show animate themselves...

Hannah
Barbera, Burbank - Saturday, April 6, 2002, 4:10 PM

I’ve been told that Sweetums is just another name for Jelly. It could just be a rumour but the two have never been seen in the same room and the last fish they gave a pc died as soon as it was switched on.

teaboy
Saturday, April 6, 2002, 7:00 AM

RETRACTION: Sweetums is Mullie’s fish, not Mallozzi’s.

What can I say? I don’t get fish. I have a rat named "Raticus."

The part about Sweetums writing is completely true, however.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, April 5, 2002, 8:44 AM

Sad news! Jelly’s first script, Tuna Whiz, was panned by the editor. Mallozzi’s cat, Fluffikins, picked up the script, dropped it into the litterbox and buried it, then regurgitated a hairball. We’re hoping an extensive rewrite by Cooper and DeLuise will help.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, April 4, 2002, 6:05 PM

I have it on good authority that there will be an episode this season where the SG-1 team battles prehistoric evil dinosaurs. It’s an attempt to rescue SG-11, who have disappeared on this Jurassic-era planet, run as an amusement park by creatures called Sleestacks (who may or may not be related to the Goa’uld.)

We can look forward to lots of really, really big explosions, kewl CGI special effects, and various creative ways of killing huge creatures. We’re gonna LUV it!

Shhh <icanttellyou@whispers.com>
jurassic park, CA - Thursday, April 4, 2002, 11:07 AM

I got it from an insider that MGM is stealing an X Files title from this last Season of X Files and use it in Stargate SG-1.

It’s called "Jump The Shark" and stars Chris Carter as Burt Reynolds who plays Jonass Quincy, M.E.

Close, Personal Intimate Friend of Picasso <PabloPicasso@CubistCrap.Com>
Barthelona, Sthpain - Wednesday, April 3, 2002, 11:03 PM

Yes, I’d heard that too. It’s called "Flakes and Water", and it’s about Jonas being captured my an amphibious being named Nemmec, while the rest of the team thinks he’s dead....why am I getting this sudden feeling of deja vu?

Glubby
Wednesday, April 3, 2002, 6:10 PM

I’m here on location at the super-secret set of the upcoming STARGATE SG-1 spin-off. In a bold marketing move, MGM and company will be taking the original SG-1 concept and blending it with the popular Reality TV genre for the new series: SURVIVOR: SG-1

19 cast members are currently setting up their camps, here on the Canadian tundra. In the next 39 days, they will compete to see who is the *sole survivor* at the end of the series. Elimination will be determined by diplomacy, talent, political maneuvering, luck, skill, backstabbing, butt-kissing, negotiation, alliances, liaisons, and any other tools the participants can muster.

Week by week, we will watch as another cast member is killed off in the script. The suspense will be tremendous as we try to guess who the scriptwriters can’t come up with plot or dialogue for and watch them get written off the show!

JProbst <remote@wilderness.com>
Yellowknife, Canada - Friday, March 15, 2002, 4:12 PM

Today I come to work on thee set and get my alien horn glued on my forehead so I play alien extra. I overhear what I theenk is spoiler for next episode; two guys talkeeng about a Gooold who is the ancient Australian god "Rainbow Serpent." They cast Steve Irwin to play thees part, they patting each other on thee back. Then a third hombre comes by and geeves the bad news; too expenseeve so they are changing Rainbow Serpent to Gummy Worm, and role will be played by Pee Wee Herman.

I never see thees show "Stargate" bot I theenk it most suck chalupas.

Juan <South@border.com>
Maiana, Mexico - Friday, March 15, 2002, 12:31 PM

Yo, "ShatsAStud"!

Don’t joke about DeForrest Kelly being dead. Some of us are still in mourning! :’-(

I’m not too manly to cry my eyes out about Bones being gone!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 11:15 AM

It’s my understanding that the Axis of Evil has infiltrated certain television shows in the past few years, degrading their integrity and feeding the wrong messages to our American Youth.

I am therefore issuing a directive to declare MGM and certain production crew members to be terrorists, and duly entered upon the rolls of Threat to Homeland Security, as administered by John Ashcroft.

Only a return to the previous policy of team cameraderie, heroic and moral character integrity and quality writing directed to mature adult mentality will be tolerated; otherwise, you guys are gonna get nuked. We will begin with OOOOooFFff! *THUNK* *plop*

....Dang it, these pretzels need to be added to my Terrorist list!

George W. Bush <IWonIt@whitehouse.com>
Washington, DC - Friday, March 15, 2002, 10:14 AM

If William Shatner replaces Richard Dean Anderson, there’ll be hell toupee.

TruFan <nunnaYrBz@fanny.com>
Ipana, CO - Friday, March 15, 2002, 10:05 AM

Fauxnication:

I’m sorry but you’ve got Episode Seven: "Tesselation" all wrong.

SG-1’s daring mission to a strange new world is NOT ruled by Aztec Goddess Pollyputthekettleon. Since ratings have gone down under, so have the crew and cast, which results in a premature evacuation when the local dingos, pladypii, tasmanian devils, red kangaroos and Agro the Croc from Queensland Zoo defeat them with a sneak polysyllabic attack, command given by Steve Irwin, the Crock Hunter (and BOY did he find a load of Crock), who said the entire operation was ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT!!

Hammond did NOT order them to Daniel’s lab in search of ’G’Day Mate: Aboriginal for Dummies’-- Daniel’s not there anymore, remember? It turns out you actually CAN take it with you, so he did.

When they don’t find this crucial linguistic guide or anything else for that matter, not even a hair in the ex-Daniel’s ex-bathroom (for DNA comparison just to prove to the fans he actually DID used to exist), the team buggers off to Sydney to look for men, since the men to women ratio in Australia is 3:1, or thereabouts, and since everyone on Stargate is gay, as we all know, and Jonass misinterprets "G’Day Mate" as "Gay Day Mate," it initially appears to work out JUST GORGEOUS.

Convincing the men down under to BE down under, however, presents a whole new problem, especially for Private Poochinsky.

The End

Fauxnication

Whispers <KeepItQuiet@Silence.com>
Hollywoody, California, USA - Home of Free Speech -- except at MGM - Friday, March 15, 2002, 2:00 AM

Hey ... I’m a big Stargate fan. I don’t give a damn about Daniel Jackson.

I just want to know when I’ll be able to look up the new Sam Carter’s skirt? I LOVE looking up things. Think she’d wear a military beret for me?

Off to smoke a cigar....

Bill <WJClinton@UnderTheOvalOfficeDesk.come>
Hope, Arkansas, USA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 1:21 AM

OH MY GAWD! NEW CHANGES FOR SEASON SIX! ALL NEW SPOILERS!

I can’t believe this. I work on Stargate SG-1 as an A/B Roller and Negative Cutter, so I know what I’m talking about.

But what caught my eye while I was cutting and film the other day for S6 ... well, all of you people have it WRONG WRONG WRONG.

They really DID completely recast the show ... and being the Twue Twekkie I am, I am THRILLED.

William Shatner replaces Richard Dean Anderson as Colonel Jack O’Neill, cuz he’s got the experience to be a good, determined captain ... and HE was a good enough actor to make it all the way to Admiral. Andhe was damned good at destroying ships ... a problem that seems to be unending on SG right now. And he does these great Kirk Moralizing Speeches like RDA never could.

Leonard Nimoy replaces Christopher Judge since neither of them are never allowed to smile and both know how to intone "Indeed" with amorphous blandness. Oh, and they have similar techniques and tweezers for arching their eyebrows.

Nichelle Nichols is replacing Amanda Tapping as Captain Sam Carter because SHE knows how to communicate and she’ll get to wear a short skirt -- even on missions! -- and she always had great legs. (Have to keep those young, pre-pubescent boys entertained, remember?)

Whatshisname who replaced Michael Shanks is being replaced with DeForrest Kelley, which is okay since Kelley and Daniel Jackson are dead anyway.

This is the truth AND I AM NOT MAKING IT UP.

And if they find out I posted this, I’ll be toast. They have lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of money and can hire VERY VERY discreet hitmen.

I’m going into the witness protection program -- tonight.

ShatsAStud2 <HorsesNWimmen@ShatnersDisposal.sick>
Malibu, California, USA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 1:14 AM

Pssst. Hey, I have some pictures from the set. Really. Check out the URL below to see a scene from one of the first episodes of the 6th season!

A Picture From the Set! <nottelling@noway.com>
Mazatlan, Mexico - Friday, March 15, 2002, 12:53 AM

Episode 17 3/4 -- Stalked?

Sam Carter is stalked by a psychopathic alien. The team comes back to Earth (yes, we get about two minutes of another planet this week!) with an invisible ’guest’ in tow. This guest follows Sam home--

Whaddaya MEAN we already did that episode? Assension? Never heard of it. Go away. Okay, back to the spoilers--

THIS alien is a psychopath, so he spends most of the episode stalking teenage girls Sam mentors at a nearby girl’s private school. We get to see these teenage sexpots in various skimpy get-ups. The casting couch for this one was...a...ahem. Spoilers, right.

Eventually, the NID becomes involved, and Sam’s home is bugged. The wacky alien comedy team of Teal’c and Jonass come up with a plan. (See, they *believe* Sam this time around, so it’s different.) Jonass smiles, and the psycopathic alien is reflected in his teeth. Teal’c fires his staff weapon, and the alien is killed. Sam, Teal’c and Jonass have some ’splainin to do to the NID, but everything ends happily.

O’Neill? Well, he’s there when they come through the gate, and he’s there for the happy ending. What more do you people want? Sheesh.

Qewy

Qewy <spoilergirl@tptb.film.ca.com>
Everywhere, Friday, March 15, 2002, 12:37 AM

Hey, Juan!

What did I tell you about giving away plot secrets? At least you didn’t give away our secret password "Yo quiero taco bell!"

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 11:50 PM

"Whispers" referred to "the aforementioned bitchy 18-49 PMS peri-menopausal menopausal post-menopausal harpies from hell demographic."

That’s my kind of woman, "Whispers!" And you say it like it’s a BAD thing!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 11:27 PM

Those dung beetles are busy. They’re overrunning "Andromeda." Let us bow our heads and observe a moment of silence, shall we?

I’m sure that once they’re through over there they can come wreak havoc on us, too. Think they’ll find me under my desk? Maybe I should take some vacation time.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 11:23 PM

MGM have been rumoured to being quite pleased with the news of an expected 40% drop in ratings. They are using this opportunity to branch into advertising.

First up is an advertising coup! ’Listerine’ have signed a multi-million contract to use corin nemic in their commercials...

oh, and a little bird told me that sam and jonas get married in the gateroom!!!!! Is this twue?????? Please let it be, cos that would like be the best thing for like EVER!!!!! and sam just *has* to grow her hair again so that she can braid it and stuff. and she *needs* to call me before the wedding so I can help her pick out the best shoes in the whole wide world! i know just the pair, you can get them at ’payless’ and they are such a steal at $12.99....

ships biscuit <samNjonas@thelovenest.com>
with our beloved, Thursday, March 14, 2002, 6:14 PM

Actually, COOKING WITH URGO sounds like a great spin-off. I’d pay good cable money to see that. Heck, they could do this for every cable channel. STARGATE: QUETZELCOATL THE GOD DOG for the Animal Planet; PHYSICS AND PHYSIQUES, an exercize show featuring Sam Carter for Lifetime Network, ADVENTURES IN ARCHEOLOGY with Daniel Jackson for National Geographic or the Discovery Channel or The Learning Channel or Discovery Civilization or The History Channel...heck, there was a LOT of untapped potential in that character, wasn’t there? HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM......

TheBandit <Fun@Fun.com>
Hither, Yon - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 5:11 PM

Hey! WHO THE HELL NEEDS IMHOTEP???

What *I* want to know is where are Imhotep’s damned legendary hoards of DUNG BEETLES when you need ’em???

Wuv Never Dies <TwueWuv@GrimReaperFunerals.com>
Tombstone, Arizona, USA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 4:49 PM

SPOILER QUESTION. HELP!!!!!

I have a friend in the business in Hollywood who is an actor who knows an actor on the Stargate SG-1 series.

He found out that someone was trying to clone Jelly. Can you imagine??? All this for a stunt dog to cove Lt. Poochinsky’s ass. No way!

Anyway, the actor friend of the SG actor says that the cloning clinics how in operation, found out about the fan outcry of Daniel Jackson being forced to leave the show and every cloning facility in the world was surrounded by the aforementioned bitchy 18-49 PMS peri-menopausal menopausal post-menopausal harpies from hell demographic, threatening to nuke their facilities if anyone DARED to clone Jelly.

Isis help us! It sounds like a Season 9 sucky Monster of the Week X Files episode!

Anyone know if this is true??? CLONING OR CLOWNING???Enquiring minds ....

Where the heck is Imhotep when you need him???

Whispers <KeepItQuiet@Silence.com>
Hollywoody, California, USA - Home of Free Speech -- except at MGM - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 4:45 PM

Re: Episode 23, "When Actresses Attack."

This is true. I only survived by hiding under my desk and whimpering for my mommy.

Um, in the manliest possible way, of course.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 2:49 PM

Special Bonus Episode 23: When Leading Actresses Attack!

As a special bonus for loyal viewers, the Fox network, in cooperation with the producers of ’When Animals attack!’, were invited to film the meeting in which Brad Wright told Amanda Tapping about the Jonas/Sam relationship. We then edited down the three hours of footage of her reaction into a 42 minute episode. Most of the dialog is bleeped out (We aren’t on showtime anymore :( ), and five minutes has those black bars over the screen because of graphic violence.

Fear Not, Mr. Wright will be back on solid foods within two weeks, and Mullie and Mallozzi will be out of intensive care inside a month.

Amazingly, no one was willing to press changes!!!

Insider DUDE!!!
Thursday, March 14, 2002, 2:22 PM

Heads up! Spin-off spoilers!

I was down at the 7-11 the other night and I ran into my old friend Laverne. She is 2nd cousin to someone who lives in Vancouver and her cousin is friends with someone on the set. This other lady is the make-up person for Poochinsky, one of the new characters in the 6th season of Stargate. Well, this make-up lady told her friend (who is Laverne’s 2nd cousin, remember), that there are great things in store in the future. MGM wants to make a whole franchise type thing out of Stargate and they are developing a new show right now. It’s going to be called “Cooking with Urgo” and they are hoping to sell it to the Food Network. Urgo is going to travel all over the galaxy (actually using the Stargate!) and collect recipes for a new cookbook. Daniel is going to be in this series, too, but only as that glowy jellyfish thing because they can afford to do the cgi effects but they can’t afford to bring back Michael Shanks. Supposedly, there are other spin-off ideas being considered, too. I’m hoping hey do a series about Sam and Jonas because I think they are meant to be together!

DeLuiseIsAGod <urgorocks@urgo.com>
Nowhere, IN - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 11:32 AM

Episode Eight: "Deviation"

Off the wall humour, high drama and unbearable tension as a freak accident traps Jack in the elevator and the rest of SG-1 works feverishly to locate Siler’s wrench in order to free him.

Sam and those wacky comedy aliens Teal’c and Jonas take it in turns to talk Jack through his ordeal.

Well, Sam actually talks Jack step by step and at great length through the tortuous restart button protocol. That really hot General Kerrigan is at her side to hold her hand, looking manly and noble as sensitively consoles her anguish. Sam bites her lip and does that limpid pool thing with her eyes.

With Jack in real danger of a lingering death from terminal boredom, Sam is torn...Kerrigan is hot!hot!!hot!!!

But in her heart, she’s thinking of Joe...

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Thursday, March 14, 2002, 9:01 AM

**A different sort of adventure for SG-1!!!!!**

According to an anonymous source, this episode will continue a plot line begun in seaon five and will focus on Sam as she leads the team on an "X-Files" style investigation on Earth.

Jack apparently will be absent from the adventure (though he may still appear in the episode in some capacity), giving actor Richard Dean Anderson a well-deserved break immediately after the looooong winter hiatus.

Here’s what our insider had to say:

Sam is awakened in the middle of the night by a phone call from Dr. Flemming, whom she has never met. He starts to tell her that "the project" was never stopped. He doesn’t have time to say which project, but mentions Adrian Conrad [who became a Goa’uld host in Season Five’s "Desperate Measures"]. He asks for protection, and then Carter hears what sounds like a car crash. Sam, Teal’c and Jonas are sent out to investigate. It’s Carter’s mission all the way, and fairly X-Files.

They go to a small town were the biotech firm that Flemming was working for is located. The sheriff tells them that Flemming’s car was found wrecked, but his body wasn’t there when help arrived. Flemming has vanished. The sheriff suspects foul play, and the biotech firm has burned down just prior to SG-1’s arrival. Very fishy.

Most of the towns people have immature Goa’uld in their heads which, like we saw with Kawalski way back in the second episode of the series ["The Enemy Within"], can’t control them all the time. The Goa’uld are building a ship to try to escape from Earth. The NID know about the whole thing.

There’s some cute comic relief with Jonas and Teal’c doing the "aliens trying to act like regular guys" thing.

Sam is possessed by a Goa’uld, but all turns out well in the end.

It soon comes to light that the NID is involved in one of those projects that always goes awry: playing God. They’re cloning symbiotes, and like ’Invasion of the Body Snatchers,’ nothing good can come of it.

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Thursday, March 14, 2002, 8:25 AM

I theenk this ees spoiler for you; yestairday I see many cast and crew from up North come to my town and they pay us mucho dinero to dress us up like people from other planets. I have horn een the meedle of my forehead. Thees guy say hee the director, I ask him what the movie ees and he say eets not movie, eets TV show Stargate, they saving moneys thees year by filming in Mexico.

Anyways, the episode shees about a talking Chihuahua with a seembol on its forehead. Eet’s some kind of alien god named Quetzel and the writers say eets very funny, a talking dog weeth an alien snake trapped een eets leetle doggie body.

Juan <South@border.com>
Agua Caliente, Mexico - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 8:20 AM

Episode Seven: "Tesselation"

SG-1’s daring mission to a strange new world ruled by Aztec Goddess Pollyputthekettleon results in a premature evacuation when the local lingo defeats them with a sneak polysyllabic attack. Hammond orders them to Daniel’s lab in search of ’Aztec for Dummies’ and when they don’t find this crucial linguistic guide, the team buggers off home to grout Carter’s kitchen.

Fauxnication
Thursday, March 14, 2002, 8:18 AM

Hey, "DanielAndYouAndBlueHawaii"!

I NEVER liked that guy from Michigan. Shanks has a MUCH better ass. ("Make... the uniform... TIGHTER!")

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 3:20 AM

Yo, "Wuv Never Dies":

I like the way you think. Roth IRA it is! Very Douglas Adams/"Restaurant at the End of the Universe"-esque. You wanna write a script together sometime?

And "Foxys Lady"? Trustno1.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 3:16 AM

Okay, guys ... we gotta be careful with these spoilers. They’re getting out on the XF lists and EVERYONE is up in arms about David Duchovny getting killed off on Stargate SG-1 and replaced by Michael Shanks.

They’re starting a defense campaign in earnest and plan to delute BOTH Fox and MGM about this travesty.

What are we gonna do? Duchovny got killed! People are coming after me. They’re at my windows! The weirdos who are out to get us must be stopped. Normal people scare me. Just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re out to get you, and if you think you’re parnaoid now, you’re not paranoid enough!!! ACKKKK!!!

Foxys Lady <SpiesEverywhere@JeSouhaite.burp>
Somewhere Near The Thriving Megolopolis of Tunbridge Wells, UK - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 12:36 AM

Hey, TPTB Double Agent:

Okay. We’ll split the residuals on that spoiler 50/50. But how, exactly, do you split a penny? Ya know. I guess we could put it into a Roth IRA and by 4001 we’d be millioniares on the interest alone.

As to your, erm, sexual preferences ... well, that’s up to you of course and your girlfriend and/or boyfriend and whether or not you wanna be hetero/gay/bi/celibate or all of them at the same time.

Doesn’t matter one whit to me.

Wuv Never Dies <TwueWuv@GrimReaperFunerals.com>
Tombstone, Arizona, USA - Thursday, March 14, 2002, 12:30 AM

To "Wuv Never Dies":

Split the spoilers with ya? 50/50?

As to the guns and staff weapons and my "tastes," what are you implying? I’m a red-blooded hetero male! That said, I wouldn’t throw Daniel out of bed, but that doesn’t make me gay. I’m otherwise perfectly straight! I play Tomb Raider just so I can ogle Lara Croft! I’d crawl through broken glass to look up Gillian Anderson’s skirt! I would sell my immortal soul for one night with Angelina Jolie!

Well, okay, or Jack, for that matter, I mean, he did special ops and everything...

Shit. I’m about as straight as a question mark, aren’t I?

Aw, hell. Can’t we all just... get it on?

TPTB Double Agent <don't ask, don't tell>
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 11:21 PM

TPTB Double Agent:

You use those spoilers I sent about "Cupid’s Jaffa" and Teal’c and his symbiote’s disgusting behavior and I’ll lose my job at Gekko.

For Heaven’s sake, aren’t all those long guns and Teal’c’s STAFF enough phallic symbols for your ::ahem:: tastes???

Sheesh ... can’t trust ANYONE.

Wuv Never Dies <TwueWuv@GrimReaperFunerals.com>
Tombstone, Arizona, USA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 9:48 PM

The WWF episode! Pro wrestlers are hired to play Goa’uld!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 9:18 PM

I’m not picky, BTW. It doesn’t have to be donuts and a hot tub. I’ll settle for someone throwing me a box of animal crackers and winking at me if that’s all I can get.

Okay, back to the spoilers.

That thing with Teal’c’s symbiote is disgusting. I’m passing it on to the writers as my own idea as we speak. I expect to bag a promotion out of it!

There are a couple of storylines being tossed around for Daniel. Aside from the whole gay angle (although we’ve seen the ratings for "Queer as Folk" and I have to say we’re impressed)! We were thinking that maybe the head cheerleader at his high school he used to tutor in algebra might be Goa’ulded and he would have to rescue her.

Oh, yes, and the big one: Speaking of the Goa’uld, we hear your complaints about the lack of Gate use, so Jack is going back to the Hundred Days planet, where we discover that Laira has given birth to a child she named Charles. Laira has also been Goa’ulded and her child was sent to Kheb for protection where it is being protected by none other than our own Daniel Jackson!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 6:19 PM

To TRIPLE Agent--yeahsureyoubetcha, the Air Force advisor’s reaction to the Sam/Jack storyline will also be shown.

Okay, I really shouldn’t tell you this. But I was hoping someone would offer me a romp in the hot tub at Gatecon with donuts and no one has! dammit!

This season we mainly want to make steam come out of the Air Force advisor’s ears on camera. It’s far more entertaining than anything our writers can come up with.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 6:05 PM

Episode 9: Sam goes undercover as a Goauld Hoochiemomma on plaent ZXW446. To her chagrin, she is propositioned by Osiris, who still occupies that very female body and wants to find out what it can do. Every adolescent male writer’s fantasy then ensues, and ratings among the desired demographic go right through the roof, nay...into a geosynchronius orbit. When Carter returns to base, Jack has to explain to a very confused Teal’c why what happened to Sam is ’daring and erotic’ but anything that might ever occur between himself and Daniel or Jonas would be disgusting and perverted.

LBMeyer <Beyond@Hereafter.com>
Cloudsville, OR - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 5:35 PM

The question was:

"Hey, TPTB Double Agent: Will the Air Force Advisor’s reaction to the Sam and Jack relationship also be shown for versimilitude and authenticity? TPTB TRIPLE Agent Seacouver, WA"

I wouldn’t count ont it, TRIPPLE Agent ... The Air Force Advisor has been taken over by a Goa’uld, too ... as has all TPTB.

Octagonal Agent <DoubleShhhhhh@AbsolutelyNowhere.com>
Mesquitecouver, Texasq, USA (this week, I think) - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 4:55 PM

PRODUCTION STAFF SECRETS (deciphered from slightly burned and crisped handwritten notes stolen from SG production offices by a DannyWhumper Spy):

In a desperate act to save their "money machine" called Stargate, everyone sits down to discuss the problem of Daniel Jackson. It is decided, due to the 18-49 female hormonal PMS-suffering peri-menopausal menopausal post-menopausal raging bitches who can’t think for themselves and should be home cleaning the house and taking care of the kiddies in a nice dress and pearls with sensible 2" pumps demographic, headed by an obvious bunch of demonic Pagans,that Daniel Jackson must be returned to Stargate SG-1.

However, there is a small problem. Michael Shanks has been called to replace David Duchovny as Fox Mulder, who, once again, was forced, in Shanks’ fashion, to quit the X Files, was caught by the SG team and sedated to death in a previous SG episode. Shanks has signed to be Fox Mulder in the two hour Mulder/Scully/Baby William Spawn from Hell shippy series finale.

One of the production staff (who shall remain nameless due to possible lawsuits) remembers a guy working at a fast food restaurant in Michigan who had aspirations of acting.

He is called in to audition for the role of Daniel jackson.

It is immediately decided that HE is THE ONE becaue of his (a) handsome good looks, (b) his ability to hide very well, (c) his lovely sideburns, (d) his glittery white jumpsuit and cape, (e) his blue suede shoes and (f) he flipped a MEAN hamburger at Burger King in Detroit.

After signing his contract, the newest member of the cast has Amanda Tapping’s damp panties thrown his way, along with her spare copy of her house key. He goes down on one knee and he says, "Thank yew. Thank yew verra much."

The new and improved hunka hunka Daniel Jackson struggles up from his kneeling position on the floor (a position he needs to get used to for yet to be learned kiss-ass reasons) turns on his heel and leaves, contract signed in blood in hand.

Tapping sighs in a splended rendition of a doe-eyed teeny-bopper wearing a poodle skirt and saddle oxfords, wanting to be the new Daniel’s teddy bear and says in a sexy whisper, "Daniel has left the building."

From outside, just as the door closes, they hear what they THINK is Michael Shanks’ voice screaming, "THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!", a whoosh of something heavily metallic and a small thump hitting the parking lot, followed by a much heavier thump.

Lightning arcs, lights explode, sparks shower everything burning the notes on the conference table, the production team cowers under the expensive cherrywood conference table (which probably cost more than it would have taken in the first place to get Shanks to stay) and the building shakes, but the production team is too scared to go check it out.

DanielAndYouAndBlueHawaii <TheKingLivz@GracelandManagementInc.org>
ComeOnIWannaLeiYa, Hawaii, USA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 4:41 PM

Hey, TPTB Double Agent: Will the Air Force Advisor’s reaction to the Sam and Jack relationship also be shown for versimilitude and authenticity?

TPTB TRIPLE Agent <ssssh@nowhere.com>
Seacouver, WA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 4:32 PM

Sorry, ShanksAHunkola, we haven’t really decided if we’re going to use the gay angle yet. But we DID film our Air Force advisor’s conniption fit and plan to use it if we do, for that extra touch of verisimilitude.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 9:54 AM

The sorta late Daniel Jackson tries to return but his mist becomes caught up in a steam pipe and he’s trapped in Jack O’Neill’s radiator, frantically banging in an effort to get attention. Unable to sleep because of the ruckus, a grumpy O’Neill goes to the mess hall, only to find that Jonas Quinn has discovered Earth Food, eaten every last scrap in sight, and is lying atop one of the tables, bloated and groaning, with a fork in one hand and a half-devoured turkey leg in the other. He’s surrounded by wrappers for Doritos, Taco Belle and Pringles, and empty bottles of Mountain Dew, Gatorade, and 7-Up.

A system lord named Baskin Robbins comes through the gate with an invading force of Jaffa, but Sam kisses each of them and they drop dead on the spot, averting a crisis. Checking the budget, Hammond realizes he can *only* afford low-salaried cadets from now on because of Bush’s cutbacks, so he issues an order for everyone but Elliott, Haley and company to retire effective immediately and a directive to hire on 150 new cadets that look good in tight leather military issue. The NID, CIA, FBI, MI5, PWP, VIP, KGB, CI5, BBC and LPGA all infiltrate. All the action sequences bear a feel strangely reminiscent of a video game rated "T" for teens.

FluffyCloud <Linguist@oma.com>
Dunno, OK - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 7:53 AM

Episode 27: CUPID’S JAFFA

Having studied up on Human ways, Teal’c is fascinated by Valentine Day but is sad to discover no one gives him a valentine or a bouquet of odiferous foliage, or even a box of Russell Stover.

Teal’c goes back to his quarters to meditate over the problem.

Meanwhile, Sam, furious with Jonas who spent 3 1/2 hours trying to unhook her bra (he never realized it had a front hook), leaves his/her quarters in search of "relief" (wink wink nudge nudge say n’more!)

Strangely drawn to Teal’c’s quarters, she offers herself up to him where he discovers the mysteries of the Human female body, up close and personal. Sam discovers that, boy! can Teal’c kiss ... while his Goa’uld larvae does it’s thing to her nether regions in the way only a Goa’uld larvae can.

Down the corridor, in Colonel Jack O’Neill’s quarters, Jack barely notices Teal’c’s bass voice booming, "Oh! Sweet mystery of life at last I’ve found you!"

Jack is snuggling up to his 8x10 color photo of Daniel Jackson, ruined by his tears, his lip prints (and other all natural, organic items too questionable to discuss in polite company).

Unusually, General Hammond finds on his desk, a huge Valentine card, a giant spray of long-stemmed red roses (in an arrangement proper for a head of state burial), a case of Russell Stover chocolate covered caramels ... but not a card.

Hammond ponders the mystery while Jonas lurks outside his office, hoping his kiss-ass gift will win him merit with the old bastard.

Wuv Never Dies <TwueWuv@GrimReaperFunerals.com>
Tombstone, Arizona, USA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 2:28 AM

Episode 22: WHASUP, DOC?

In a startling casting decision, the entire cast of SG-1 is replaced:

Richard Dean Anderson replaced by Yosemite Sam

Michael Shanks who is replaced by Whatsisname is replaced by Daffy Duck

Amanda Tapping is replaced by Bugs Bunny (in drag, of course)

Christopher Judge is replaced by the Tazmanian Devil

Don Davis is replaced by Porky Pig

Goofiness ensues as our beloved characters go through the Stargate to find not only a short man with a Viking hat, singing to a strage-looking woman with a metal bra on top of the biggest-ass Percheron you’ve ever seen, a singing frog who is First Prime to an obvious Goa’uld alien named Marvin who wants to blow up earth because it blocks his view of the earth.

Our newer and better SG-1 team, however, remove his Illudium P-36 Space Modulator before the earth is terminated.

Marvin manages to follow them through the Stargate with his barrel full of Goa’uld alien seeds (just add water) and hilarity ensues as the SG-1 team tries every trick in the book, including "Goa’uld Season", to remove the wascally menace.

Chukk Joans <TermiteTerrace@ThatsAllDaniel.com>
Warmer Bros., California - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 1:02 AM

These spoilers come straight from the weekly Secret Sycophant chat, in which I lurk in the guise of "SepiaNose." I’ve just gotten it straight from those in a position to know (mostly bent over, kissing) that the 6th episode of the next SG-1 season will be entitled DUDE WHERE’S MY TALENT? In a concerted effort to prove their originality, writers Matzolli and Moley reveal the following:

Sam, Teal’c, Jonas and Jack (in 5 second bracketing sequences at the very beginning and very end of the episode, so don’t blink) travel to a small California town called Sunshinedale, where they battle vampires and demons. Sam shows a remarkable ability to slay them. In the midst of this, they discover a plot to kill the presidential candidate and have exactly 24 hours in real time to thwart the assassins. Meanwhile, cadet Elliot and his team ’SG-X’ hunt down a lead that aliens may have landed in Roswell 40 years ago and suspecting the teenagers there are actually Goaulds in disguise, they kill them all. Then they upload a virus into an invading mothership orbiting the Earth and cause it to blow up and crash. Then, in a stunning surprise, Sam goes into labor and has a baby. She reveals that the boy’s father is actually the missing Daniel, and the child exhibits strange abilities, like making the mobile in his crib move and turning on the TV to Pay-Per-View when Mommy isn’t looking. The NID immediately tries to take the baby away from her. Off the coast of California, Maybourne jumps over a shark while waterskiing in a leather jacket. Finally, in a terrific cliffhanger, Jonas receives a sealed letter...delivered by an owl!

I just can’t wait!

BarkerLewis <yournamehere@anon.com>
Spoon Forks, IA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 12:34 AM

Episode 33: "NOTHING IS NOTHING IS NOTHING IS NOTHING..."

The writers, no longer able to come up with anything original, create a PowerPoint Presentation of photos of favorite fan episodes, PLUS extra behind-the-scene shots -- all starring Jonass, Daniel Jackson’s more than excellent replacement.

Running length: 00:15 seconds. 59:45 commercials.

Ratings skyrocket.

OnSuicideWatch <NoMoDannyWhumping@WAAAAAAAAAH.com>
Balch Springs, Texas, USQ - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 12:31 AM

"PERILOUS REACTIONS - REDUX"

ADDED SCENE:

At the kariaoke bar, Jack O’Neill holds an 8x11 of his bewuvved Daniel Jackson (covered with drool and lip marks) and sings his own rendition of Celine Dion’s "How Can I Live?"

The crowd bursts into uncontrollable tears, no one noticing the fluffy Jacksonesque cloud floating over Jack O’Neill, crying it’s own tears.

ShanksAHunkola <Nefertitty@SmartArchaeologists R Us.com>
CutNShoot, Texas, USQA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 12:18 AM

Episode 92A: THERE’S ALWAYS ROOM

After an exhausting mission on Another World, where all soap opera stars were Goa’uld and had to be destroyed, and where Jack, Teal’c, Sam and everyone except Handsome Hunque Jonass has to save them all, indebting them to him for life, Jack O’Neill trudges to the commmisary for a snack.

There is General Jelly, who O’Neill mistakes for Strawberry Jello and eats him raw.

Too late, Jack realizes he’s REALLY in trouble now. He goes to his quarters and cries muffled tears for his bewuvved ex-Daniel Jackson.

HuxtableWuvsDaniel2 <BCosby@MllionaireInfomercials.org>
Hollyweird, California, USA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 12:10 AM

"Perilous Reactions"--M&M recycle old X-Files fan fiction into an NID conspiracy plot episode starring Jack and Maybourne (replacing all instances of "Krycek" with "Maybourne" and "Mulder" with "Jack"). Don’t miss Teal’c doing Prince karaoke! followed by Sam performing a stunning rendition of Alanis Morrisette’s "You Oughta Know."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 13, 2002, 12:03 AM

Episode 42: THE XTRA ARRIVAL

The "border patrol" of Cheyenne Mountain find a man wandering within the restricted area of SGC. Dehydrated and spouting about aliens, he’s taken to the infirmary. Later, General Hammond and the SG-1 team drop by after tea and crumpets with Private Poochinski and a round of Chinese checkers and cricket to question the strange man.

Upon seeing General Hammond, the man rips out his IVs, goes for Hammond and screams, "How can you do this to Scully??? She thinks you’re dead ... all these years! How can you do this, Ahab???"

Hammond looks around out of the corner of his eyes to see if anyone is looking at him and pronounces, "The man is obviously deranged. Sedate him. Permanently."

"No," cries the man, the manly man, in the full bloom of manhood, with the pouty lips, green eyes and hair Hammond would die for. "They tortured me, killed me and brought me back, tortured me, killed me and brought me back!" In the background, unnoticed, Colonel O’Neill flinches.

About that time, Jonass joins the fun in the infirmary. "YOU!" the man screeches, pointing at the handsome hunk, handsomer than the man, the manly man, in the full bloom of manhood, with the pouty lips, green eyes and hair Hammond would die for. "YOU did this! Did Cancer Man put you up to this? TELL ME THE TRUTH!!!"

Everyone looks at Jonass who simply shrugs and grins, pulls out a cigarette and an old and scratched lighter inscribed "Trust No One" and lights up.

"I was good!" the man screams as he is injected with powerful sedatives. "I signed a contract for the last two episodes!" he cries. "I did! I didn’t make a scene! It’s not supposed to end this way ..." his voice fades out as he goes into a drug-induced coma.

"Yep," says Jonass under his breath, "That’s what Daniel Jackson thought, too. Bwahahahahahahahahaha!"

ImaHo4Daniel <BiggerShanksFanThanShanksRulz@MIB.com>
Butt, Montana, USA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:58 PM

Episode 43: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

General Hammond goes berserk and eviserates Jonas, Anise, Marty, Cadets Haley and Elliot, Simmons, and Sarah/Osiris. Oddly enough, no one makes any attempt to stop him.

Top Dog <topdog@dontmesswithtexas.com>
Colorado Springs, USA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:54 PM

Episode 15 1/2: EXTRA SPOILER!

I have inside contacts in the business -- I can’t say names -- who have told me that while Sam dies with Jonass’ name on her pale lips, JACK dies pinin’ for Daniel. Here’s a snippet of the script I was sent:

XCU OF JACK O’NEIL:

JACK YELLING AT JONASS: Daniel’s passed on! This archaeologist who speaks 26 languages AND English is no more! He has ceased to be! ’E’s expired and gone to meet ’is maker!=’E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ’e rests in peace! If you hadn’t pushed ’im through the glass ’e’d be pushing up the daisies! ’Is metabolic processes are now ’istory! ’E’s off the twig! ’E’s kicked the bucket, ’e’s shuffled off ’is mortal coil, rung=down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-ARCHAEOLOGIST!!

I swear this is twue! I have it from high up that Jack and Daniel were gay lovers!

ShanksAHunkola <Nefertitty@SmartArchaeologists R Us.com>
CutNShoot, Texas, USQA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:43 PM

Episode 15 1/2: The SGC discovers that Einstein WAS right about time folding in on itself when Roy Neary is returned through the Stargate, along with Daniel Jackson and Samantha Mulder. Bad radiation side effects kill everyone at SCG, including SG-1, except for that Handsome Hunk Jonass, who is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a speeding locomotive and able to leap tall Stargates at a single bound.

Jonass makes alliances with Einstein himself, who as our hero immediately discovers, is really a Goa’uld, too. Poochinski is saved by his anti-Goa’uld flea collar. Jack and Sam die in each other’s arms, but with Jonass’ name on Sam’s pale lips. It’s twagic, twagic, twue wuv.

ShanksAHunkola <Nefertitty@SmartArchaeologists R Us.com>
CutNShoot, Texas, USQA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:29 PM

Okay, I really shouldn’t tell you guys this, but I’m hoping ImaHo4Daniel will make it worth my while, if you know what I mean and I think you do.

Daniel returns to warn his SG-1 friends to make themselves little tinfoil hats to keep out the NID thought control rays. They put them on and are suddenly back to normal. They discover that the Goa’uld have infiltrated the NID. They seek out the mysterious moles Tad Wrong, Paul Mullet, and Joe Cannoli.

It turns out that Judas is an NID plant so they shove him through the wormhole with a note around his neck reading, "He said your hair was funny-looking." He is torn to pieces by Anubis’ shape-shifting radioactive robot jackals and Unas gladiators.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:25 PM

Episode #15 -- "Twue Luv" by Mallozzi and Mullie. The truth is at last revealed. Jonass and Sam are in love and can deny it no longer. Jack is shocked. He thought Teal’c and Sam were an item. He comes to terms with the situation, though, and agrees to walk Sam down the aisle as the episode ends with a huge wedding in the Gateroom! Daniel appears as a glow surrounding the happy couple.

#1 Michael Shanks Groupie <groupies@groupiesanon.com>
Nowayjose, AZ - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:12 PM

Episode 39: It occurs to General Hammond that Jonass really *is* the Handsomest Hunk on the base and orders SG-1 to take courses in friendship and trust from Jonass, including, but not limited to:

How To Not Lust After Your Captain: ENTER COURSE 101 How to Better Enunciate "Indeed," but with facial expressions 101 Starched Shirts, Stuffed Shirts and Stiff Pants: How to NOT Lust for Daniel Jackson 101 X Files Did It Without Mulder and So Can We! Just Look At THEIR Ratings! 101 How to Piss Off Your Superior Without Even Trying (Essay by Jelly) 101

The SG-1 team begs Teal’c to vaporize them with his staff, but Jonass says "That’s a no-no". Teal’c says, "Indeed" -- WITH A SMILE -- and Jonass dies tragically from the blinding flash of Jaffa teeth. (It’s not only the Goa’uld larvae that can kill.)

ImaHo4Daniel <BiggerShanksFanThanShanksRulz@MIB.com>
Butt, Montana, USA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:09 PM

Episode #20 -- "Stranger in a Strange Land" by Robert Heinlein, er... no, that’s not right... Brad WRIGHT. Michael Shanks returns to the fold in a special guest appearance. In a new twist, sure to delight viewers, he does not portray Daniel Jackson, but rather Daniel’s evil twin brother, Skippy Jackson, long thought to be dead in a tragic skiing accident. Sam saves the world again when she figures out who Skippy really is. Jonass contributes his usual amusing pratfalls. Those wacky aliens!

#1 Michael Shanks Groupie <groupiesrus@groupies.com>
Siberia - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 11:05 PM

Episode #10: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Jaffas" -- Maybourne is revealed as the power behind Senator Kinsey. He is secretly training an entire army of mutant ninja Jaffa to take over the SGC. By mid-season, Jack, Sam and Teal’c will all have been casualties. Only Ry’ac, Jonass and the young recruits (along with the mysteriously ressurected Elliott) will remain. They will easily succumb to the mind control techniques of Maybourne’s mutant ninjas and voila! The show SOARS in the ratings!

#1 Michael Shanks Groupie <shanksrulz@shanksrulz.com>
USA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 10:37 PM

Episode 1: "Fire Hydrant," by Brad Wright. Jonas saves the day by taking Airman Poochinsky for a walk!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 10:28 PM

"Sekhmet." Includes a brilliant guest performance by Marilyn Manson.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 10:17 PM

"Starship Goes to Hell"--I hear there are a lot of hush-hush story meetings about an homage to "Event Horizon." I mentioned that I would pay full price admission to NOT watch that movie again and was sent out for coffee and Chinese take-out. Huh!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 10:03 PM

SG-1 kicks Marvel Comics’ *ss over the Spiderman Clone storyline!

Supporting Evidence
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 9:46 PM

Episode 5, "Saving Airman Poochinsky"--a gritty, realistic combat drama.

Episode 21, "Having your baby! such a wonderful way to tell you I love you." Jack and Sam finally get together, and Jack gets knocked up! Hope they’re able to raise the baby together in Leavenworth! An homage to the brilliant Enterprise episode, "Unexpected."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 9:05 PM

SHOCK!!! HORROR!!! DON’T MISS THIS ONE, GUYS!!!

EVIL DEAD DEMONS MASSACRE features killer zombie chainsaw wielding mutants from the Planet DarioArgento! Naturally they breach the gate’s defenses and run around the SGC slaughtering everyone they can reach. A single scratch is enough to turn anyone into a slathering psychokiller and this includes Jack who carves up his team with a chainsaw in a bone-chilling blood-spattered finale guaranteed to pull in that so-desirable 18-25 male demographic (and to make every female viewer run screaming for the exit, but who the heck wants them anyway, they only whine and bitch and want the characters to talk to each other). In the closing moments SG6 turn up with the antidote and a sarcophagus they rescued from the mythology-based Goa’uld they were having an exciting mission dealing with (unable to be shown due to budgetary constraints and the fact the writers would have to do some research so nuts to that). Jack is cured and the scattered limbs of Sam, Teal’c and (unfortunately) Jonas/Jonah/Judas are gathered up and put through the sarcophagus. In the last couple of seconds Jack makes a lame joke apology for killing them all in a hideously painful way and Sam gives him a look of forgiveness that shows the ship isn’t dead after all!!! Oh yes and Teal’c GETS A LINE!!!

DeepStoat
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 8:51 PM

Episode 18--where no SG1 character appears at all!

The cadets from season 5 are back in a hilarious romp. Due to join the SGC as SG18, the cadets reach the SGC to find it deserted. It’s Marty to the rescue as the alien from Point of No Return arrives at the same time, with the TV actors from Wormhole X-treme in tow for a dose of much-needed versimilitude.

The two teams must band together to find the missing SGC personnel and discover who left the wormhole open!

Qewy
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 8:25 PM

No prizes for guessing whose dialogue that was from the key debriefing scene.

Fauxnication
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 8:07 PM

An *amazing* new Original Character is introduced in the form of Penry, the SGC’s Mild Mannered Janitor. Suspicions are aroused when Penry and his cat Spot join forces with Simmons (not Graham) and Davis (not Paul) to thwart a foothold situation when SG-1 are possessed by sinister alien entities from the planet Hanna Barbera.

"Everbody was Kung Fu fighting. It was a little bit frightening."

Fauxnication
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 8:05 PM

Episode 16, "Veteran’s Day." The Goa’uld attack earth! helped by moles inside the NID. Sam uploads a virus to the Goa’uld mothership. Devlin and Emmerich sue.

Episode 17, "Big Honkin’ Lizard." A large lizard nests among the skycrapers of Colorado Springs. Devlin and Emmerich sue again.

TPTB double agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 7:53 PM

Following the events of the episode involving NID spooks, Jack decides he wants kewl Tok’ra powers, too. Jack gets captured and is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life, is tortured to death, brought back to life.

Special guest appearance by Michael Shanks as Daniel gets to watch his friend being tortured to death, brought back to life, tortured to death, brought back to life, tortured to death, brought back to life, tortured to death, brought back to life, tortured to death, brought back to life, tortured to death, brought back to life...

PTB Mole
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 7:21 PM

In episode 13, the team actually gets to use the round thing...what’s it called again? You know, the thing that shoots out water that’s not water? No matter. Anyway--

The team goes through the big blue not-water thing to a planet which is ruled by dogs. Luckily, they’ve brought their new mascot/larvae sniffer with them. (Since the team has all been gou’lded or tok’raed by now, they "Goa’uld vibes" they pick up are tainted and unreliable.) Anyway--

They’re on this planet ruled by dogs, and Peanut Butter (the mascot) is seized by the ruler of the planet. The dogs threaten to kill him if SG1 doesn’t rid their planet of the evil cats that share their planet. (Think Cats & Dogs, the movie, set on a planet instead of Earth)

But Jack doesn’t like people ordering him around, so he sets explosives at key points in the city. Watch the explosions go off! See dogs and cats unite in an attempt to regain control of their lives! See Spot run!

They make it back through the gate with Peanut Butter just in time. As the team goes off, bantering amongst themselves, we see the camera pan back to Peanut Butter...whose eyes suddenly glow...

Qewy
Vancouver, MA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 7:20 PM

Episode 18: The Curse Strikes Again! One of Sam’s boyfriends (not lover, never lover, no sex for Sam ever, ever, ever! She’s pure! And off limits! And anyone who touches her will die, die, DIE!!!!!!!!!!) shows up at the SGC. He smiles at Sam. He dies. Teal’c raises *two* eyebrows and says "Indeed" with particular emphasis on the first syllable, which throws the entire base into a state of confusion. Return of Daniel as Jack’s bedside lamp and the flashlight used in the inevitable corridor/tunnel scene.

PTB Mole
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 7:14 PM

SG1 stay on Earth and wander around for 40 minutes chasing a Goa’uld while fighting with NID spooks. They are helped by Martin, Cadet Haley, a miraculously resurrected Elliot and Maybourne who all get 45 lines each. Teal’c gets to say "Indeed" not just once but twice!!! Sam saves the day with her hitherto unmentioned but now really kewl Tok’ra powers. (She fights off ten men single-handed and is now immune to all sedatives.) Jack looks bored. Jonas/Jonah/Judas smiles constantly and gets more lines than Daniel had in the whole of S5. Daniel doesn’t actually appear but Sam uses her hair dryer once which almost counts.

DeepStoat
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 7:05 PM

It’s another earth-bound episode as Sam and Teal’c are off, searching for Bigfoot, who, they discover through a convoluted message relay, is a Goa’uld. They drag Jonas along despite his protests that he is not used to strenuous exercise. O’Neill’s knee gives out on the first mountain, so he stays on on the base and checks in periodically by cell phone. You won’t miss him though, as the action starts--first with a huge explosion, then a huge fireball as Bigfoot decides that Sam Carter is the woman of his dreams and tries to scare Teal’c and Jonas away.

Will Bigfoot win over Sam’s heart? Will he succumb to the Black Widow’s curse? Will we have to watch Teal’c looked pained as he tries to shut Jonas up, or will there be a convenient cliff in someone’s future? Only the writers know for sure!

Qewy
Vancouver, MA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 6:39 PM

100th Episode Mk 2. One hundred episodes of Stargate celebrated! Big budget! It’s party time! Includes a storyline incorporating the stargate and actually has scenes with SG1 members in it. Very brief appearances by Martin, Jar Jar Jonas, Ell-i-ot, Cadet Hailey and any other annoying Other Character we can pin down. Viewers of a sensitive disposition and an aversion to annoying screen-hogging Mary/Marty Sues being trampled to death by mastadges are advised to not watch. Written in response to Viewers’ Poll: My Dream Episode.

PTB Mole
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 6:36 PM

Attack of the Clone Goa’uld Flying Fleas!!!

SG-1 must team with Y-Files NID Special Agent Ox Fulder to find a flea collar in order to protect Jelly from an army of Genetically engineered Clone Flea/Honey Bee hybrids that have been implanted with Goa’uld Symbiots and unleashed by Ox’s unscrupulous NID superiors.

Will Jack learn that not all NID agents are evil? Will Sam find Twu Wuv with Ox Fulder? Will the team save Jelly from a flea dip in time? All these questions and more will be answered in "Attack of the Clone Goa’uld Flying Fleas!!!"

(Warning, viewing of this episode has been know to cause stroke and seizure in lab animals. Watch at your own risk.)

Insider DUDE!!!
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 6:36 PM

Episode 2--"White Wedding." Sam can’t resist Jonas because he’s such a great guy--and a handsome hunk! just ask MGM! Wedding bells are in the air. Jack is seen sniffling in the background. Is it allergies? is he just sentimental at weddings? or is it something else? Guest starring Cadet Haley as the flower girl and Elliot/Lantesh as Best Snake. Guest appearance by Michael Shanks as Sam’s Fluffy Cloud of Honor!

TPTB double agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 6:07 PM

Episode 22. Series Finale. BISCUITS!!! Big Finish. SG-1 Needs Find new source dog biscuits before lunch or all dogs go hungry. Story and Screen Play by Jelly

Gate Tech
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:40 PM

Episodes 13 and 14: The Amazing Tuna Fountain. Title by M&M, Story and Screen play by Jelly. Exiciting Two Part. SG-1 Risk Lives bring back magic tuna machine. Kill lots bad men. Pow, Boom!!!

Gate Tech
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:37 PM

That Christmas episode thing is true! but you left out the part where Sam and Jonas are now married and he dies tragically in a Christmas tree light accident.

TPTB Double Agent
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:27 PM

Episode 11--"Movie Homages Strike Back." Jay and Silent Bob come to SG-1 as the powerful Goa’ulds Bluntman and Chronic. They give SG-1 controlled substances and take them to a strip bar.

Episode 12, Untitled. Teal’c has a line. Sam and Jack faint and are taken to the infirmary. Judas smiles and his teeth get a sparkle effect a la Parker Lewis. Hammond is blinded by the glow and has to retire. He’s replaced by 18 year old General Bambi Hooters, who moonlights as a porn star. Teal’c returns to Chulak to spare SG-1 further injury and is replaced on the team by Anise.

Bluntman--or is that Chronic?
New Joizey - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:25 PM

Episode 9: Christmas Special (waddaya mean it ain’t Christmas?). The Return of Daniel. The SGC have a power cut on Christmas Eve. All seems bleak until an old friend shows up and uses his nifty light powers to Save The Day. The writers finally figure out a use for Daniel (researching stuff for stories involving ancient cultures is *such* a drag, d00d) and plug him into the Stargate, thus reducing the project’s electricity bill. No guest appearance by Michael Shanks but we do have his face CGI-ed onto a fluffy white cloud.

PTB Mole
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:13 PM

Episode 7: The SGC is attacked by Goa’ulded Jehovah’s Witnesses intent on making our heroes see ’the light’. Personnel hide behind the curtains hoping they’ll go away. Eventually someone remembers they have an iris and the threat is removed. All seems well. Camera shifts onto Jonas as he slyly starts shoving pamphlets into SG team members’ lockers... Leads into three-parter with cool explosions and alien chicks in skimpy costumes going ga-ga over twenty-something Lt’s with attitude problems and "Handsome Hunk" Jar Jar Jonas. Episode 8: Return of The Poison Dwarf. Hailey’s back and this time she’s brought her friends. The girls have a sleepover and discuss how cute Jar Jar Jonas is and wouldn’t it be, like, really kewl if one of the side effects of gate travel was a cure for acne.

PTB Mole
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:06 PM

I heard there would be an episode where SG-1 go through that big round thing with water in it to other planets!

Sage
Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 5:05 PM

SG-1 become zombies. No one notices.

Supporting Evidence!
in Cyberspace no one can hear you scream - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 4:45 PM

I heard the New Guy was just a red herring and the new member of SG-1 was going to be Daniel’s dog, "Poochinsky," played by Mallozzi’s dog Jelly. Poochinsky speaks 26 languages, including English.

I further heard that Jelly will be penning an episode entitled, "Tuna Whiz," in which SG-1 steals tuna sandwiches from the Goa’uld and then whizzes in the Gateroom to mark their territory. A new policy will be instituted requiring SG-1 to whiz on all new planets to mark them as belonging to Earth.

Xochiquetzl
Etlanna, Jawjah, USA - Tuesday, March 12, 2002, 4:24 PM

Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Stargate (II) Productions, SCI FI Channel, Showtime/Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. All blog entries represent the opinion of the poster. All editorials represent the opinion of the author. All linked content represents the opinion of the linked site's webmaster. Copyright on all articles/editorials/blog entries belongs to the original author. Offer void where prohibited. Please remain seated while the aircraft is in motion. Warning: Coffee will be hot. A moose once bit my sister.