I heard that Daniel would be descending naked. After all, he ascended naked...

TPTB Double Agent < >
Vancouver , CA - Tuesday, November 12, 2002, 7:22 PM

Palace Drone

Well obviously YOU didn't get the memos about the *tactical planning breakfast meetings* the SDJ were holding at the convention.

Such devious plans as clapping politely for Jonas were formulated during them.

Really I thought you were on top of all these things.

MuleLady
Wednesday, September 25, 2002, 1:10 PM

In Season 7, I Rosmerta will contact the SGC and demand to speak with Dr. Daniel Jackson. The only team member bright enough and handsome enough to converse with me, "The Great Provider". Jonas, will be kicked to the proverbial curb in an effort to find what I will provide, and They will try to contact Daniel in my name. When Jonas leaves the team I shall "provide" HIM with a not so heathy dose of pure radiation and see how he likes it.

Rosmerta <Private>
Rome, Earth - Friday, September 20, 2002, 4:08 PM

Report From the Not-So Front Lines
Sunday, September 15, 2002

So comes the night of the last day of the convention, and this is the first time I've actually written anything concerning it. Sure, the day before I left I was vowing to check in daily, to take notes, to keep a detailed schedule of what I was doing where and when and with who, but I was busy arguing regs with the Air Force Advisor again.

Maybe some people can do it, keep track of con events as they happen, but I'm not one of them. My lack of communication this weekend, however, was for several reasons. One, because there was so much happening, and two, because there was nothing happening.

Allow me to explain. I know you can't wait.

I came into this convention with a definite degree of wariness. That's been the case the previous two years as well, but for the most part it focused on the concern that the evil nasty Air Force advisor would tell me yet AGAIN that the Air Force wouldn't grant Sam and Jack a special dispensation to get together after seeing how in wuv they are.

This weekend, we were worrying if we were going to be seeing other con-goers be escorted out of the auditorium for crimes against fashion.

This concern was especially great for Corin Nemec's panel, as he's a con virgin and therefore most likely to be a fashion disaster, and the panel featuring the writers and producers, as Joe Mallozzi threatened to show up in Baal's costume. And everyone knows that the story has been told in a million different magazine interviews and a thousand online chats and bulletin boards, but sadly there are some folks who subscribe to the theory of not fucking off and dying when told to repeatedly. And the voices inside my head told me that SDJ was planning to detonate a small tactical nuke and then run around in the rubble in their bras and panties shouting, "Boxers or briefs? Screw it, Free Willy!"

But... there was nothing. I was SO disappointed. I was hoping RDA would "free Willy!" Okay, okay, there was some heckling during the auction, but that was just when Michael Shanks was mentioned and everyone knows he's a poopyhead.

Maybe it was the fact that security was everywhere and not being shy about the fact. Maybe it was because the house lights were on, denying the would-be hecklers the anonymity they enjoy on their Internet lists and revealing them as plain old-fashioned cowards. Maybe it was the plain truth that the nasty folk were outnumbered by people ready to pound the first 'boo' into the ground. Maybe it was that, unlike me, they're adults with a sense of proper con ettiquette.

I'm kidding. Honestly.

Brad Wright even hugged one of them. I'm going to puke!

So as I write this, it's Sunday night in Vancouver and no blood has been shed. Dammit! I never get to have any fun! (I'm kidding!)

What's the moral of this story? Perhaps it's something about people from all countries and creeds and walks of life being able to come together for these five days without law enforcement being brought into the picture. Maybe it's a commentary on why the Internet can be such a nasty place and why good old face-to-face communication is worth the price of the plane ticket. Maybe it's that the voices in my head were wrong.

Nah. That couldn't happen.

-- Sally Frost, 09/15/02

The Harbinger of Mild Peril
Wednesday, September 18, 2002, 4:33 AM

In an effort to avoid creativity... er, more tightly intigrate the themes in the SciFi Channel line up, early next season Jonas will be clubbed in the head... er, fall down and hit his head while playing ice hockey with Jack, and wake up with Psychic powers.

The episode with be called "The Mildly Injured Zone"

Insider DUDE!!!
Monday, September 16, 2002, 7:49 AM

The other day I was parking a car that belonged to the manicurest for the assistant to the scriptperson for one of the really busy writers here at BridgesBurning. I found this exciting new plot development for the possible upcoming season 7 lying on the ground next to a discarded donut and a pair of men's bathing trunks.

It was scribbled illegdibly, but I will do my best to translate.

Notice new MacGyver movie coming out. Using younger actor to play main character. Made me notice our *star* is getting a little long in the tooth. Keeps saying he wants to retire. Doens't understand that if we lose him we lose that all important S/J shipper audience.

Outline for FOREVER YOUNG a 7th season opener:

Interior scene: Secret Storage facility in New Mexico.

Set Up: Jack O'Neill is chasing another rogue NID operative who is attempting to steal Mach'ello's essence switching device for neferious plot to put Sen. Kinsey into younger body.

Rogue NID agent to be played by handsome young hunk who used to be child actor on some cancelled TV sitcom about high school kids. {Note to self: See if Mark Paul Gosslaer is available).

In desperate attempt to keep Rogue agent from getting away, Jack grabs onto the other handle and his essence is switched into the body of the young agent {played by as yet uncast but no doubt handsome and well known hunk). Jolt of sudden switch knocks both men unconscience. Jack awakes in younger body to find that the rogue NID agent has disappeared with the machine AND Jacks old body.

Spend entire season with Jack trapped in young handsome hunk's body while searching for his old body and Mach'ello's machine. Sam falls desperately in lust--err I mean love with new younger Jack as never before. Cameo's by our *star* as NID agent in the old body.

Hmmmm, it might just work!

The Parking Attendent <parkit@bridge.stu>
Friday, September 6, 2002, 8:55 AM

"Jelly Strikes Back"

When SG-1 learns that a movie is being made featuring their Wormhole X-treme counterparts, they make the cross-country trip from Colorado to Hollywood and along the way they meet up with a quartet of sexy diamond thieves in vinyl ...and Jelly. The escaped pug gets a television producer on their tail, and the whole shebang climaxes as SG-1 makes it to the movie lot, crashing through the sets of a whole bunch of movies, both real and imaginary. Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion, in which Jelly plays Yoda in an homage to "The Empire Strikes Back"!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Sunday, September 1, 2002, 3:03 AM

OK PEOPLE HERE GOES BUT THIS IS WAY SECRET SO DON'T TELL PLEASE HELL I MEAN IT WONT EVEN AIR TILL NEXT JANUARY 2003 THAT IS HOW SECRET IT IS..... NOW THAT THE ASGARDS NEED THE HUMAN SHIP AND SG-1 TO HELP SAVE THE DAY OH BUT WAIT DID WE FORGET THAT THAT BLOND REPORTER (NO OFFENCE TO BLONDS) IS STILL ON BOARD WELL U SEE NOW WE HAVE ALL BANNED TOGETHER AND TOLD SCI-FI AND BRAD WRITE THAT WE ARE SICK OF QUINN SAVING THE DAY AND THE SUPER DAM IS GETTIN A LIL OLD SO THAT IS WHY THE BLOND REPORTER IS THERE SEE SHE STILL HAS HER EQUIPMENT WITH HER (NOW I AM NOT GOING TO GIVE AWAY ALL THE SECRETS JUST IN CASE SOMONE READS THIS AND CHANGES THE STORY A LIL) BUT SHE HAS HER STUFF AND LONG STORY SHORT WE NOW HAVE A BLOND GOOD LOOKING (SUPPER SAM WANTA BE) SAVE THE DAY. THE WRITERS AND BRAD THOUGHT THAT IT MIGHT GRAB OUR ATTENTION A LIL TO SEE SOMEONE NEW SAVE THE DAY SO THAT IS IT ENJOY AND IF I GET SOME MORE FACTS ILL POST THEM!!!!

desirae <evalewis021@msn.com>
ogden, utah - Saturday, August 24, 2002, 3:40 PM

"All Together Now"

This episode will NOT have Daniel in it. We just named it that to trick you into tuning in (much like "Descent," "Full Circle," etc.). The original title was "Starship Goes to Hell," and it is the long-awaited homage to "Event Horizon."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, August 20, 2002, 2:20 PM

Next Friday's episode focuses on a despondant writer, who discovers that a popular movie script got by him without his having paid 'homage' to it by stealing it for his Science Fiction show. At the last moment, he figures out a way to have Jonas sent off to a school for young Wizards and the SG-1 crew wave him off at the train platform.

Devilled X
Monday, August 19, 2002, 3:08 PM

Next week: Planet of the Jogging Blond Bimbos!

Next week SG-1 travels to a planet where the inhabitants are wearing big ace bandages and jog everywhere. Jonas is executed for ignoring a "Keep off the grass" sign.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, August 17, 2002, 4:46 PM

Daniel Jackson ISN'T DEAD REALLY!!!

In one of the episodes of the new series, we see an extra clip of DJ - just before his death! No-one knew this before, but apparently he learned a mystical telepathic trick from one of the alien races they discovered through the Gate. This trick allowed him to put his fingertips on certain points of Jack O'Neill's face and transfer his soul to inside the other man's head! At this point, Daniel said "Remember".

The episode turns out to be a quest for the SG1 crew to jump through the gate and try and get Daniel's body and soul both back to his home planet, Earth. This is naturally, directly against orders and very very rebellious and naughty of them. Eventually they succeed, Daniel Jackson ends up whole again. However, this outcome does not come without a great cost. On the way, Jack discovers that the new bloke, Jonas, is in fact his son. Just as he begins to form a fatherly frame of mind, Jonas is killed horribly by hostile aliens. Jack nearly cries (but doesn't really, because he's a big tough man).

THE END

The Secret SG1 Insider Spy Person <slytherin_pride@email.com>
where sg1 is filmed, America - Tuesday, August 13, 2002, 11:16 AM

NEXT WEEK ON "STARGATE SG-1":

"Salamanders"

Jonas invents a way to make spaceships faster, but it causes him to turn into a giant salamander that eats everything in sight. Sam duplicates the experiment and turns into a giant salamander, too. They mate, which causes Jonas to immediately die. Sam abandons the highly evolved offspring offword, and is miraculously saved by the Tok'ra in a ceremony so secret even we can't see it, so it happens off-camera.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, August 7, 2002, 10:24 PM

STARGATE'S RICHARD DEAN ANDERSON CALLS MICHAEL SHANKS A "POOPYHEAD"!

In a June 7 interview with Maureen Ryan of the Chicago Tribune that we'd bury if we had a lick of sense, Richard Dean Anderson spoke about the controversy surrounding the cast departure of Michael Shanks (who played sneezing, four-eyed Daniel Jackson, one of the original characters from the film on which the series is based).

The Jackson character "ascended" at the end of Season 5, a surprise to fans. But Anderson revealed that Shanks had asked to be allowed to leave. In the interview, Anderson responded to reports of Shanks' alleged snarkiness, saying, "If he really said that, if he's lashing out and saying we're all a bunch of poopyheads, that's unfortunate, because it would mean that he's the poopyhead."

But how soon we may forget. Launching into Season 6 on Sci Fi Channel, there appears a hunky new male regular on the series: alien scientist Jonas Quinn (Corin Nemec, of Parker Lewis Can't Lose fame). Quinn bared his toesies in the exciting episode "Descent" in hopes of attracting the foot fetishists who followed old four-eyes, and his t-shirts are really tight. I want to shag him, don't you? Oh, baby! That scene in "Descent" with him eating the banana? That's what I'm talking about, baby! Oh yeah!

For the record, Shanks will "descend" from time to time this season in a guest-starring role, even if he is a big meaniehead and we don't like him any more.

Take that, you evil nasty Danny fans! Ha! I bet you're all really ashamed of yourselves now!

MGM SciFi Newsletter
Wednesday, August 7, 2002, 2:32 AM

More Tuna Whiz! I snuck this out of the studio at great personal risk! I hope you enjoy this exciting sneak preview into our fresh new direction!

[JACK, TEAL'C, and JONAS wander the halls of the SGC peeing on things.]

Sam: I can't pee on things because I'm a girlie. Want tuna.

[Jack sniffs Sam's butt. Teal'c growls at him. They start to box, and Jonas walks up to her and smiles. There is a sparkle effect, and then she throws up a hand, blinded by the glare.]

Jonas: Want tuna.
Sam: Don't have tuna. Must get tuna from General Hammond.
Jonas: Tuna good.
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!

[Jack and Teal'c look at each other.]

Jack: OK, whomever can write his name on the wall from the farthest away gets the girlie.

[Teal'c and Jack laugh, reminiscent of Beavis and Butthead]

Jonas: No I should get the girlie cuz Im way smarter than you and Im all sensitive and have good teeth. [to Sam] Want your kids to have good teeth? you gotta come to me.

[Sam blushes coquetishly and gives Jonas a peck on the cheek. He clutches his stomach and falls over.]

Jonas: Food poisoning! Tuna bad.
Jack: Tuna good. Mayo bad.

[End of act one. Stay tuned for more science fiction excitement!]

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Sunday, August 4, 2002, 6:21 PM

This Friday's episode:

BOTTOM OF THE BARREL: SG-1 is captured, and having stolen every single plot ever written for previous episodes, the show's producer and two of the writers are forced to personally enter the episode and try to rescue them. Wacky nerds Brad, Joe and Bob stumble around the base of the lounge-lizard Goauld Tony, and ultimately manage to free our heros by grabbing Jonas and using him as a battering ram (this is where we discover that, among his other hidden super-powers, the Krypton--er, Kelownian has a head made of Titanium).

SpookyMulder
Tuesday, July 30, 2002, 8:01 AM

Spoiler for A BEAUTIFUL SHADOWPLAY: Jack's increasingly erratic behavior sends him to the infirmary, where Dr. Frasier discovers that he has become Schizophrenic; once again, he believes that there is an imaginary new member of SG-1, this one called "Jonas Quinn," and in his fantasy, Daniel is dead and Jonas has come to replace him as some sort of grossly distorted, bizarre imitation. O'Neill believes this Jonas has come from a planet called Kelowna (named after a city in British Columbia. It was a choice between that and Flatbush). Jack's lifelong fascination with fish has given this 'alien' the odd trait of being able to dive after crappie and hold his breath for several hours, and he has about the same personality of a haddock. Meinwhile, he believes that Daniel has transformed into a glowing, fluffy jellyfish.

Frasier immediately administers the appropriate medications and Jack returns to normal, and his imaginary friends disappear.

Commissary Sue
Vancouver, BC - Monday, July 29, 2002, 2:59 PM

Stay tuned! Next week, we return to Jonas' home planet, where we meet his mentor and together they demonstrate how to defend yourself against a man armed with a piece of fresh fruit!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, July 23, 2002, 3:08 PM

Well Well here we go again now as i have said before the writers don't think that one Jonas is enough so the send him to the good old country of Utah where he is to take 18 wives and have as many children so that each child can be altered to grow up to be men and women in a week so that each one can lead their own stargate team 2-19 for now the rest come later plus sg-1 has a jonas so they don't need another one just yet. But hey we do get to see the stargate in this ep is gets used alot becaue all the lil jonas's save a whole 18 planets one for each of them then this episode gets continued on the next ep it is a 2 parter!!!

Desirae <evalewis021@msn.com>
Ogden, Utah - Friday, July 19, 2002, 6:18 PM

In a last-ditch effort to rid ourselves of those last remaining pesky female viewers, next week's episode will consist entirely of Jack bass fishing. The week after will feature Teal'c bow-hunting for deer. The week after's episode, "Automotive repair with Jonas," was unfortunately postponed after Sam bludgeoned him repeatedly about the head with a wrench for touching her motorcycle.

TPTB Double Agent <doubleagent@bridgestudios.com>
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, July 18, 2002, 7:23 PM

MR. DUDS

This upcoming offbeat episode takes place nowhere near the SGC. It involves a writer in a television studio that is hired to write science fiction, but can't seem to come up with anything better than a series of recycled plots from the comic books he's read and the movies and TV shows he's recently been exposed to. He eventually finds happiness weaving baskets at the Happy Home for the Perpetually Self-Deluded.

PureEvil
Monday, July 15, 2002, 9:59 AM

During one of the more lengthy rehabilitation sessions provided as part of integrated healthcare for 'certain' groups of writing staff of 'certain' companies, one of the more lucid moments of a screaming employee strapped to a bed- coming just after after the triple espresso twelve sugars with diaezepam sprinkles - revealed a significant "worst nightmare scenario" which had been plagueing this poor individual's dreams like a bad dose of Goauld worms. Lax confidentiality of medical records, crashing down like revenge of cosmic karma, revealed this content to a friend of a friend... of a friend...

Daniel, having proved resilient and unstoppable in former years and umpteen episodes suddenly finds himself wanting to a) expose himself to massive amounts of radiation and thus experience extreme pain, and b) die, just so he can get away from Mr J-can-you-spot-the-join-where-I-was-spliced-into-the-show-Onas. And who can blame him. He is saved by Homer Masala, a yellow light who invites him to the ascended plain to drink a few beers, eat curry and watch TV. Dr J, being thoroughly fed up with even his death being invaded by insensitive plot devices that focus on other characters (any characters, hey what about that stray cat over there? Or that leftover chicken drumstick?Whoohoo, we've found a bit of fluff from JO's navel here that'll do!) other than someone worth watching, agrees and unfortunately can't be heard to exclaim on his way out, "Hey - I'M the one who figured out this darn stargate thing...that mean anything to anyone ??". He is beamed up to the land of the fuzzy light tendril people, only to discover that he has in fact been living in an altered dimensional reality ever since the first time he stepped back through the quantum mirror. He never got back to his real universe in the first place! Instead he had stepped into one where his existence was viewed as a personal insult to all concerned (who, meanwhile, are having a ceileidh to celebrate, erm, mourn, his passing into the realm of the Duracell people, the only happy moment being the use of Jonas as an impromptu pinada).

With the balance of plot devices now being returned to his favour, he sends a message through to multiple worlds via a contingent of singing Goauld telegrams, accompanied by their Tok'ra management agents. The Frank Sinatra Gouald goes down a treat on Swing Earth but unfortunately the Britney Spears Goauld is mistaken for a chicken McNugget in an alternate famine-struck world. In any case George Clooney Goauld gets a message through to the right reality, gets a snog off Sam (being frustrated at having all other love interests killed off or terminally unresolved, c'mon she needed it) and then goes on to some varied film work to keep him and Tok'y babe set up for life. Meanwhile, SG-1 (the REAL one) having been so distraught they could not POSSIBLY have carried on without their Space Monkey, have gone their separate ways and need to regroup. Sam builds a kick-ass motorbike with it's own wormhole jumpgate technology, borrowed from generic a) future earth, b) Tok'ra tech, c) Teal'c's brain (coz when he gets to speak they find he actually knows a lot of cool stuff and is in fact very useful as a REAL character), d) Gouald fortune cookie (which upon eating uses recombinant DNA technology to splice genetic knowledge into the base pairs of the lucky recipient - Dr J pastes a health warning onto these as it gave him funny dreams and bad wind last time he tried one). Jack is recalled from hiding in the Rockies and due to his incredibly rich fish diet, all the amino acids have boosted his brain power so he doesn't look *too* cross-eyed when Sam explains how the bike works. He keeps a few desultory comments for old times sakes. Teal'c meanwhile has taken on Professor of Everything Chair at MIT, so has to be coaxed back into his combat trousers by promising he can go back to shooting things and saving the planet. He resigns as chairman of Glaxo-Wellcome, gives up his election campaign and polishes his boots. And his head. They pile into the sidecar of the bike, Jack tells Teal'c to watch where he puts his weapon, Sam kick starts the bike and and they head off through the Quantum Mirror to find Daniel. Who meanwhile simply floats into the Gateroom at SGC and wonders where they've gone. He abandons his ascension, gets some clothes on, and sets off on Sam's Mark I bike (no sidecar, back breaklight faulty). He finds them on a wonderful world with LOTS of relevant plot devices that uses ALL the characters potential, develops on the INTERPLAY and TEAMWORK of the characters and which recognises that shows should ultimately be GOOD TO WATCH rather than padding around your commericals. And NO WAY Jonas.

Phew, no wonder he woke up screaming...

Major Rewrite
Manchester, UK Plc. - Sunday, July 7, 2002, 9:17 AM

The real reason why you won't be seeing Jack O'Neill in the upcoming Nightwalkers episode. When he first heard the title, he thought it was called Nightcrawlers and got all excited about it being a episode where Jack goes fishing! He got even more excited when he heard something in the storyline was gonna make Carter's eyes glow and thought it was that long awaited *making babies* scene!

Imagine his disappointment when it turned out to be about baby goa'uld's taking over townspeople and only coming out at night and Sam is pretending to be a goa'uld host.

So, Jack took off for parts unknown. He forgot to have his parking ticket validated though!

The Parking Attendent <parkit@bridgesburning.com>
Thursday, July 4, 2002, 12:15 PM

Next Episode Season Sux...er, Six!

NIGHTCRAWLERS OF THE LIVING DEAD SG1 investigates a Gou'ald infestation in a local Earth town involving NID and Conrad ("Desperate Measures"). Teal'c, Carter, Jonas and the rest are trapped in a house while Zombie Goaulds stagger around outside, trying to get inside. Windows are boarded up, and we see lots of horrific images of Goaulds rising from the grave and eating gross things. The other members of the team begin to get suspicious that Teal'c will turn into a Goauld Zombie, too and the mistrust leads to five whole seconds of actual drama. Finally, the house is overrun and Jonas runs out to the local highway, desperately trying to flag down passing motorists and screaming the warning "They're coming! They're coming!!!!"

Vododiodo <Looney@Tunes.com>
Tuesday, July 2, 2002, 10:49 AM

I was cleaning out car for the assistant to the assistant of RCC and I found this stuck to the floor around some used juicy fruit gum chewed by Jack O'Neill in The Sentinel.

Revenge of the She Creature:

Anubis turns out to be none other than that symbiote/host spurned twice over...Anise/Freya!

Distraught to have been rejected by both Jack and Daniel AND kicked out of the Tok'ra for her System Lord like choices in wardrobe, Anise/Freya had wandered the galaxy aimlessly until she happened upon a lonely menber of the ancients. Taking her cue from Anna Nicole Smith, Anise/Freya married the geezer and aquired all his technology after his death.

Just as she was about to take her new found wealth back to the Tok'ra in an attempt to buy her way back in and dazzle the guys, she found out that she had lost Daniel and her wardrobe to Osiris who was not being called *spice* anything! Pushed over the edge by this, Anise/Freya became Anubis and has vowed to terrorize and eradicate all those who drove her away.

The Parking Attendent <screenplays@cooper.spot>
Tuesday, June 18, 2002, 4:06 PM

Spoilers for Friday Night's Episode: "TAKING A DIVE"

In a desperate effort to make Jonass seem to fit in, he holds his breath for 60 minutes and manages to rescue the rest of SG-1 with his brilliant brain, his metahuman lungs and a wet tee-shirt.

Then how the Air Force loved him, and they shouted out with glee; Jonass, the brown-nosed alien, you belong in SGC....

Yellow Paper
Vancouver, BC - Monday, June 17, 2002, 6:49 PM

Hep, just a quick note ! Come back Daniel ! Come back !

geoffrey <geoffrey@poulet.org>
Belgium - Saturday, May 11, 2002, 8:35 AM

BIGGEST SPOILER OF SEASON 6: I've got an exclusive photo of Major Samantha Carter's new Uniform for Season Six! Wait'll you see this: http://www.glcorps.org/donna.gif

Mighty Thor
Valhallah, Friday, May 10, 2002, 6:46 PM

Listen I'm the parking attendent at the studio and you guys got this Cure plot line thing all outta whack(whack having no reference to death threats or flat tires).

Here is what I found scribbled on a validation stub.

The Cure: When all sarcophgues in the galaxy break down and Goa'uld hosts start aging like crazy, they mount a massive siege against earth to procure large quantites of Viagra to restore their youthful zip.

Jack O'Neill goes into a near panic cause he needs all the viagra to keep up with the sexy new stud of the team Jonass Quinn. Lots of big gun waving insues.(none are used for death threats to writers)

The Parking Attendent
Friday, May 10, 2002, 3:28 PM

Anyone who does not wish to be sold will be killed off before the last episode of the season and turned into an ascended night-light.

Well, if no one really wants a ceertain character already turned into an ascended night-light, I'll take him:)

Afraid Of The Dark
Friday, May 10, 2002, 3:21 PM

"Tuna Whiz." *shudder!* You see why I tried to bury that script in the litterbox!

I should be allowed to write scripts instead of Jelly! I have a great story idea. It's the sad tale of Jonas and his severe catnip addiction. Finally, he is taken prisoner by the evil Goa'uld Fluffikins and made into a cat toy. Okay, it'll need a violence warning...

Fluffikins
Vancouver, Canada - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 5:20 PM

re: "The Cure"

I really shouldn't tell you this, but "the Cure" has side effects. It turns your hair black and makes your lips really red, and makes you wear a lot of black. It's also been known to alter musical tastes!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 5:17 PM

You are so *wrong* about THE CURE. I have it on good authority from the cleaning ladies at Bridge Studios that the episode is about the return of Elliott. It turns out that he is dying of a terminal case of adolescent Acne, one that even his symbiote can not help, and SG-1 is forced to negotiate for a miracle cure from a newly-discovered alien culture, PHysoheX244.

The cure is only partly effective. The aliens advise that additional 'therapy' needs to be administered by a female member of the team, and Lt. Hayley volunteers.

Cuchifritos
Tugucigalpah, MX - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 4:29 PM

At long last, the long awaited "Tuna Whiz," by Jelly. Good dog!

(We couldn't get Cooper and DeLuise to rewrite. They threatened to commit suicide!)

TUNA WHIZ
by Jelly

[JACK enters the gateroom, followed by SAM, TEAL'C, and JONAS.]

Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Jack: TUNA! Want tuna tuna good gimme TUNA!

[HAMMOND gives them tuna sandwiches.]

Hammond: Good SG-1! Very good! Who's my favorite team?
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Hammond: Your mission is to go pee on other planets. Then you can have more tuna.
Jack: Hungry!
Sam: Want tuna!
Jonas: Tuna good!
Teal'c: Indeed.

[credits]

Stay tuned for more Science Fiction excitement!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, May 9, 2002, 12:53 AM

Season Sux Episode 13 Spoiler: EVERYTHING MUST GLOW!

Anarchy reigns as MGM offers itself up for sale, the Sci-Fi Channel is sold, and the STARGATE SG-1 franchise is offered at rock-bottom prices. In fact, the characters will be individually sold off, with Jack O'Neil going to GENERAL HOSPITAL (where he will play Rick Weber, Elizabeth and Sara Weber's long-lost father); Teal'c will be sold to Andromeda; Carter will be sold to CHARMED and Jonas Quinn will be picked up by THE SIMPSONS. General Hammond will be appearing in IRON CHEF. Anyone who does not wish to be sold will be killed off before the last episode of the season and turned into an ascended night-light.

Anarchy
Wombat, NSW - Wednesday, May 8, 2002, 2:44 PM

Yo, Otis!

Jonas is in "The Cure." He has a special mission to cure the acne of the teenagers of the universe. Whattaguy.

Sam and Jack are not. They never had acne as teenagers. Neither did Teal'c, as Jaffa symbiotes prevent acne, but he accompanies Jonas out of wacky alien curiosity.

Sam spends the episode fixing up her bike while listening to the album "Disintegration." Jack spends the episode boobytrapping Jonas' quarters!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, May 8, 2002, 11:46 AM

Brand new Spoiler info!!!

I just got word on the Internet that there will be a Season Sux episode called "The Cure!" In a subtle plug for products to be advertised to the demographic that Sci-Fi channel is hoping to attract, the plot centers on an alien culture that's discovered...wait for it...a CURE for acne!!! The featured guest characters include aliens Stri-dex, Kevlar, Enigma and Pockmark. Hmmmmm. Seems to be something missing, here. What could it be? Is it...maybe SG-1...?

Otis Flugle
Sneaker, OH - Wednesday, May 8, 2002, 9:26 AM

Oh, oh, OH, kiddies I just made such a sale to the SG1 writers like you wouldn't believe!

It's called 'The Colonel's New Clothes'

While on a mission to FX-nooriginalplots-66, Jack O'Neill gets separated from the team and injured. To heal him, a female Tok'Ra symbiote whose last host was Vanna White, blends with with him.

Back on base, colonel O'Neill must deal with the uncontrolable urge to dress in women's evening gowns and rearrange all the lettering on signs in the SGC! Diplomatic chaos with a superior race insues when Jack changes all the letters on their sacred temples to spell out Wheel Of Fortune!

Will SG1 be able to restore peace with them? Will Jack find the right strappy sandels to wear with his latest evening gown? Tune in and find out.

PlotsrUs
Saturday, May 4, 2002, 3:42 PM

Yo, Plots’R’Us!

We have no problem ripping off--um, I mean, paying homage to--various movies and shows. What makes you think we’d have a problem with doing an homage to ourselves?

Read your contract, pal. Our plotline is significantly different from yours. Jonas, not Daniel. So there!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 4, 2002, 1:38 PM

**"IT’S A WONDERFUL LIFE" Outraged by fans’ rejection of Jonas, whom the writers wuv vewy vewy much, they decide to redeem him by casting him in a remake of the Capra classic. **

Oy sheesh! They are into recycling their ripof.er I mean reimagings of classics already! I just sold them this plot a month ago to do a different angle on. Means only one thing..I gotta git them thar writer fellas back in here for more wheels and deals, yes sirree

Manager Plots’R’Us

PlotsrUs
Friday, May 3, 2002, 9:36 PM

"IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE"

Outraged by fans' rejection of Jonas, whom the writers wuv vewy vewy much, they decide to redeem him by casting him in a remake of the Capra classic.

It is the post-war tale of one small-planet do-gooder and genius with an encyclopedic mind, Jonas Quinn (Corin Nemec), whose life is recognized as wonderful and truly rich only after he suffers many hardships, mishaps and dark trials (lying, cowardice, treason, theft). He is given encouragement by a whimsical, endearing ascended being named Daniel Desala Jackson. The hysterical, despairing, and melancholy hunky hero is shown what the small planet would be like without him - it's a frightening, nightmarish, noirish view of the world (at Christmas-time) that brings him back from self-destruction. He returns to the idyllic small planet that he left, with renewed faith and confidence in life itself. Hence, the episode's title: It's a Wonderful Life.

We expect this to be the most popular and heartwarming episode ever made.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, May 3, 2002, 2:58 PM

EPISODE 19--"Dust Rhinos"

SG-1 cleans out the fridge. After that appalling battle, they then turn to the insides of their computer cases, and are attacked by giant killer dust rhinos!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, May 3, 2002, 1:36 PM

SPOILER: A BEAUTIFUL HIND

This script is mostly about discovering the genius of Jonas, his life story, his brilliant mind and his lifelong invisible friends Skooter, Velma and Harvey.

Captain Video
Plural, MN - Monday, April 29, 2002, 2:50 PM

EPISODE SOMETHING-OR-OTHER: DENTATA

Crossover with Star Trek: Voyager. Script by Rick Berman. SG-1 and the Voyager crew are pursued by giant vaginas. One of them captures and devours Jonas, then spits him out again and falls over dead. They eventually escape by brandishing speculums, which cause the vaginas to flee in horrror.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, April 27, 2002, 12:56 AM

Hey, INSIDER!

That guy depicted on the Adams poster is indeed a new character we’re developing in case Jonas doesn’t work out--G. W. G. Smith. He’s Colonel Makepeace’s long-lost twin brother! And no, G. W. G. does NOT stand for "Generic White Guy." No more than Cancer Man’s finally-revealed name, C. G. B. Spender, stands for "Cigarette Guzzling Bastard." But I can’t tell you what G. W. G. DOES stand for, because they won’t tell me! all they’ll say is that it does NOT stand for "Generic White Guy."

BTW, I learned that my fan letter was indeed a form letter sent to every member of the production staff. Huh! See if I let MY head be turned by a pretty fan letter ever again!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, April 25, 2002, 11:34 AM

In the season 6 opener, SG-1 burst through the Stargate with some unknown white guy they picked up and proceed to shoot up the Gate Room. All of the SGC are killed, including Chevron Guy. SG-1 flee, fugitives of Earth, and begin their adventures. Jack ’Bionic Man’ O’Neill leads the team of Jonas ’Speed Reader’ Quinn, Sam ’Black Widow’ Carter and Teal’c’The Wallpaper’ through weekly adventures which will consist of shooting shit while looking kewl.

Insider
CANADA - Wednesday, April 24, 2002, 9:40 AM

Hey, I heard something really hush-hush. You can’t share it, okay?

Mallozzi’s goldfish Sweetums is writing a script. It’s called, "Nummy Fish Food Flakes."

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, April 3, 2002, 5:29 PM

TPTB Double Agent sent this message:

*-*

The WWF episode! Pro wrestlers are hired to play Goa’uld!

*-*

And the proof is here: www.donotangerthegods.cjb.net

Proof that Matt Hardy is a gao’uld!

Seska <Seska_spy@yahoo.com>
England - Tuesday, April 2, 2002, 5:46 AM

I just had to share this; I overheard two writer guys talking about this while they were on the cafeteria line today, waiting for their turn at the Chicken A La King special. One turn to the other and started talking about this new STARGATE SG-1 spin-off movie they had written, called GATELOVE. It’s about an alien off on some world who starts emailing Sam, only she isn’t aware at first that he’s on another planet. They meet in a chat room every night and a romance starts. Then we eventually discover that Sam’s cyberlover is actually an ancient Goauld; King Tut!!! Tut tells the story of how others plotted to murder him because he was a really nice guy for a Goauld and the other Goaulds couldn’t allow it. So we’re going to get this neat flashback. Gosh, those two guys are so ORIGINAL, it takes my breath away sometimes. http://www.scifi.com/scifiwire/art-main.html?2002-03/28/11.00.film

CafeteriaBoy <Mush@Commissary.com>
Vancouver, CAN - Monday, April 1, 2002, 6:04 PM

Season opens with a BANG BOOM WHOOOOOOOSH! Earth is attacked by killer bugs from Quadrant 65663 of the Playstayshun Galaxy. Evil Emperor Killgarr and his ninja Jaffa attack the SGC and kidnap Sam, forcing her to wear a Princess Leia slave girl costume. Jack is struck by lightning while in Sam’s lab (a freak bolt that can penetrate NORAD and 28 levels of concrete and steel) and gains super powers - he can move so fast that you can’t even see him, just a gust of wind! His new name will be The Twister with guest appearances from MS (in tights!) as The Lightbulb Kid.

And Anubis is an Ancient and that’s why we had the cloning revelation in Revelations, with the tall original Asgard, so they could have a tall actor in Asgard type make up instead of expensive CGI and the puppet. Like that’s a surprise to anyone.

Spoiler Tart
Monday, April 1, 2002, 5:19 PM

Okay folks, huge newsflash here, a top, top secret, truly ’insider’ and *totally* reliable source (he’s the best friend of someone who knows the guy who walks Joe’s dog and if you can’t believe Jelly, who can you believe) just passed this hot tip on to me and you are not going to believe this!

All that ’Atlantis’ stuff they’ve been feeding us about the new spin off series? It’s all bogus. A total red herring which they’ve cleverly concocted to keep us from finding out about their *real* plans for the new series.

Well, hold on to your hats, people, ’cause the new series is going to be called ’STARGATE: THE SEARCH FOR SG-1’ and it will star none other than DANIEL JACKSON. Yeah, the one and only.

So here’s the scoop. It turns out before he ascended and left the SGC Daniel paid a brief visit to General Hammond and gave him a special device an ’Arc Signal’ (it’s a really *cool* special effect, shoots a glowing pyramid into space that flashes a series of messages like ’Earth to Daniel’, ’Paging Doctor J’ and ’DJ phone home’) so the General can contact him whenever he’s needed.

The series opens with Daniel returning to the SGC in response to a call for help from the general. He descends to get the astonishing news the General has summoned him because he has discovered the people everyone thinks are SG-1 really aren’t, and it seems the real SG-1 are somewhere - out there....

Seems as if George got suspicious when Jack, Sam and Teal’c took to that rascally Jonas like a duck to lemonade. Even though they walked and talked like SG-1 Hammond has been having his suspicions about them ever since the beginning of season four and has been keeping an eye on them - so after they actually ASKED him to make the lying, cheating, traitorous, cowardly slug who was the main reason why they’d lost their former team mate a member of SG-1, that was just the last straw for George. Both he and Janet have noticed a curious fact all of the members of SG-1 seem to have developed an aversion to salt since coming back at the beginning of Small Victories so on a hunch they squirt them with waterpistols loaded with saline and they all start screaming and melting. Before he completely dissolves the pod *Jack* croaks ’Rosebud - I - I mean, JONASSSSSS....’

The instant he’s confronted with the video footage of his creations expiring and ratting him out of course the mealy mouthed, craven little chicken shit immediately caves and starts spilling his guts.

You see, Jonass wanted his own show, so he came up with this diabolical plot to systematically discret Daniel Jackson prior to disposing of him and replacing him as a member of SG-1, then trading on his new status to get himself a starring role in the next series. So he enlisted the aid of a before now completely alien race called the ARACHIDNIANS (they work for peanuts) to grow pod substitutes of Jack, Sam and Teal’c, and then to capture the real Jack, Sam and Teal’c, keep them on ice and substitue the pod people at the first convenient opportunity.

Jonass confesses the pod people were under his control the whole time and he made them all act like cartoon caricatures of themselves to ensure *he* would be the only star of the spin off series because by that time everyone would be so pissed off at the way they’d been acting and the way they’d been treating Daniel no one would want to see them any more. He also admits the real SG-1 are still alive and he knows where they are but he expires from fright before he can be made to ’fess up. Good riddance to bad rubbish, but the popping off of the weasel before he can give means Hammond doesn’t know where to send the rescue team, and that’s why he sends for Daniel.

’Go out there, son, find our team and bring them home.’ Oh yeah!

They’ve worked out some way Daniel can do this ’ascending/descending’ thing whenever he wants to. The details are a little unclear. I think they’re leaning towards him clicking his heels together three times and yelling ’which way to the beach’ but this hasn’t been confirmed. Joe suggested he should use a phone booth every time he wants to ’morph’ but Brad said that was dumb.

So, after vowing he won’t rest until he finds his friends Daniel turns back into a ball of light (however) and heads out into the universe on his tireless quest for the rest of SG-1. We will go with him every week on his adventures out into the galaxy while he looks for Jack, Sam and Teal’c taking the occasional time out to nip back to save the Earth whenever Hammond uses the Arc Signal to call him home.

You go, Doctor J!

ITWS <noway@getouttatown.com>
Monday, April 1, 2002, 3:11 PM

Leaked season 6 script revealed - working title: Spot the Clone!

Sam discovers that Jonass’ real name is actually Liande. In the time it takes Jack to finish his Fruit Loops, she realises that Liande is an anagram of Daniel and putting 2 and 2 together works out that Jonass is a clone, sent to earth by his government (who are Snakeheads) to spy on the Tau’ri and get their secrets.

elfin <elfin@burble.com>
Bristol, UK - Monday, April 1, 2002, 2:30 PM

Michael Shanks was forced to leave after it was discovered that prolonged exposure by viewers to his divine loveliness was causing racing pulses, fever and dehydration through excessive drooling. For health and safety reasons he will be represented by a mist making machine and a flashlight and confined to doing the voice over.

dannyslittlehelper
land of denial - Monday, April 1, 2002, 1:00 PM

The truth is out! The real reason why they got rid of Daniel Jackson - he was too tall!

Yes, it’s true. They got rid of the hero of the SGC because he was the same height as Jack. The only reason why they haven’t got rid of Teal’c as well is because he scares Jack.

The truth is in here

A N Sider

A N Sider <dogsbreath@yahell.com>
Anywheresville, Andromeda - Monday, April 1, 2002, 12:45 PM

Episode 10: NIGHTWRITERS

An MGM executive pays a surprise visit to the set of SG-1 at Bridge Studios and discovers that a majority of the scripts have been written after midnight. Investigating further, he learns that some of the writers have been doing their work in their sleep. In an ironic turn of phrase, they are ’sacked.’

Suvivor1 <Probst@eatworms.com>
Marquesas, SP - Monday, April 1, 2002, 9:17 AM

I was just dusting Mr Wright’s desk and a script just FELL open right before my eyes. Really it did. Imagine my surprise when I saw it was the much awaited "SG1 visit the planet of the Amazons" episode!

I can tell you this much -- if you’ve loved those wacky aliens Teal’c and Jonass so far this season, you’ll love them even more in drag!!! Yes, you guessed it, when the SGC encounters a planet with lots of cool weapons that they will only give to WOMEN, our wacky aliens frock up and head out to make deals on the planet of the Princess Warriors. (Apparently, Jack is seen at home nursing a sore knee with a strange white light hovering solicitously around him and Sam keeps busy in her lab fixing her motorbike because she understands you can’t send a girl out to do a man’s job and all...)

Stay tuned folks. I heard Mr Wright say (I was dusting inside his closet, okay?) that this is going to be the episode of the season. Teal’c and Jonass in leather mini skirts will have to be seen to be believed.

I’m going back to dusting now, but you better believe I’ll keep my eyes peeled!

Val the Cleaner

Val the Cleaner <the_ceaning_lady@featherduster.com>
Vancouver, BC - Saturday, March 30, 2002, 11:10 PM

Deciding that he can’t stand Jonass a second longer -- Jack tricks him into going to Harlin’s planet. Jack asks Harlin to create an android which looks like Jonass but is imbued with a copy of Daniel’s consciousness. He also wants to take back with them an android Janet so the imposter will not be detected by the medical team. This Harlin agrees to do, and reveals that on SG-1’s earlier visit there, while the mind transferences were taking place in the process of creating the fake SG-1 team, he had made a mistake which had led to the real Sam receiving some of Daniel’s knowledge and characteristics, hence the reason for her extra diplomatic and intuitive intellectual capabilities. Harlin asks if Jack and Teal’c would also like to receive some of Daniel’s personality,too. Jack tells him they’ll think about it, depending on how the ratings go.

Ellen
Coventry, Saturday, March 30, 2002, 10:34 AM

Sorry, Shyaway, you’ve hit the JOKE spoiler board! I think your spoilers are the only real ones here! :)

Darlin’, what say you and I pop on over to the discussion boards and you dish? ;)

Xochiquetzl
Aztec Parodist from Netu - Friday, March 29, 2002, 1:12 PM

I’ll bet the entire cast and crew were crying, shyaway...when they realised the writers hadn’t really brought Daniel back at all.

cynic chick <tellmeanotherone@cynicchick.com>
Terra Firma - Friday, March 29, 2002, 5:40 AM

I read the script and thought this would be going to be one of the best episodes I had ever watched in the whole series. I even cried while I was reading the scenes where Daniel and Jack spent the time together.

shyaway
Thursday, March 28, 2002, 9:49 PM

Oh, shit, Tibs! I told ’em you’d notice if "that big, meaty role" turned out to be a bone tossed under the table for you. I SO need to work on my resume!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Thursday, March 28, 2002, 10:32 AM

Just three days? Geez. Either Shanks does a perfect first take every time or it’s not so much a "meaty role" like BW said as lean pickings.

Tibs <private>
Thursday, March 28, 2002, 3:37 AM

Michael Shanks was on set filming "Abyss" for three days the week of March 18.

shyaway
Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 10:21 PM

’Frozen’

I suppose this is what the big-bad PTB would call giving the people what they want: ’more Thor’ ’more thaw’...

ConspiracyTheorist
Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 3:04 PM

Sorry, Fox. I was working from an earlier draft of the script. I’ve since seen the revisions, and you are correct.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 11:17 AM

TPTB Double Agent, you are so full of it. Ayiana’s name doesn’t mean "Encino Girl." It directly translates as "Bird’s Eye."

FoxMulder <TheTruth@FBI.gov.org>
Classified, Wednesday, March 27, 2002, 7:44 AM

The newest episode will feature Teal’c’s son Ryac. It seems that Ryac’s mother dies when her larval gou’ld is killed by Tupac of the Land of Light and he’s sent to Teal’c on Earth.

Everyone is happy to accept Ryac as an SGC trainee, and because Jack is stuck on base with a bad knee, Ryac ends up on SG1, with Sam in charge. Cadet Haley is also added to the roster.

Sam, Teal’c, Jonass, Ryac and Haley head out for a mission to planet Val’n’tine. While there, they are overcome by a mysterious pink cloud. Ryac loses his symbiote, and Teal’c makes the ultimate sacrifice to save his son.

Returning to the SGC, they tell Hammond of their loss. He promptly has a heart attack and dies. Jack, disheartened at the loss of two team members (remember, not too long ago the guy in glasses departed) retires with his bum knee and starts dating ’Ole Doc Fraiser. They move to Minnesota. Sam and Jonass, Ryac and Haley declare their undying devotion to each other and vow to be the best team ever.

The new SG1, consisting of Sam & Jonass, Ryac & Haley continue exploring the galaxy every fifth week (when they aren’t fighting NID forces on Earth). Their love for each other strengthens their cause.

(Oh, and watch for a new redesign of the girls fatigues so that they’re more attractive...and slightly more feminine and revealing!)

shhhh <icanttell@privacy.net>
somewhere in Canada, Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 6:58 PM

Episode 7: Clan of the Frozen Cave Bear

The team of researchers at the base in Antarctica who have been studying the site where the second Stargate was found four years earlier ["Solitudes"] discover a woman frozen in the ice. SG-1 travels to Antarctica along with Dr. Fraiser to check out this exciting find. The scientists have named the ice woman Ayla, which means "Encino Woman." Ayla survives being thawed out and regains consciousness. Unfortunately, she is carrying a VD and gives it to Jonas.

Mention is made that the guy with the glasses--what was his name?--believed the Antarctic gate was buried in the glacier many thousands of years before the Egyptian gate was buried approximately 2,000 years ago. He believed that the Jaffa found near the gate had come through like Sam and Jack did, at some point after the gate in Egypt was buried. He froze to death then, rather than being frozen when the gate got traped in the ice.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 6:58 PM

"...a mythology is a control system, on the one hand framing its community to accord with an intuited order of nature and, on the other hand, by means of its symbolic pedagogic rites, conducting individuals through the ineluctable psychophysiological stages of transformation of a human lifetime - birth, childhood and adolescence, age, old age, and the release of death - in unbroken accord simultaneously with the requirements of this world and the rapture of participation in a manner of being beyond time."

--Joseph Campbell

"I like Green Lantern."

--Joseph Mallozzi

AlbertCamus <Nowhere@Philosophy.com>
Existentialism, VA - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 5:50 PM

I had it all wrong. SUMMIT didn’t reveal that the Goaulds have developed a nutritional deficiency after all. I’ve seen the follow-up episode and the truth is that they now crave lots and lots of GUMMY WORMS!

Superspy
Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 5:18 PM

Episode 3

Sick and tired of the newcomer to SG-1, General Hammond opens up a big ol’ can of Texas whup-ass and arranges for an Iris impact event when the team returns from their latest mission.

Luke <Bronco@Macho.com>
Rattlesnake, AZ - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:33 PM

Episode 4: Sam realizes that Jonas Quinn is the love of her life, and that he will never, ever die (he’s under special protection of the writers), and their Grand Romance begins. Depressed, Jack finally retires. Teal’c suddenly develops a mysterious case of sudden diabetes and heroically succumbs. Elliot is the ringbearer and Haley the flower girl at their wedding.

...okay, it was only wishful thinking, but wouldn’t it be just *wonderful?!*

SamNJonasFan <4eva@CarbonMimic.com>
Valentine, OH - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:29 PM

Psssst.

Wait’ll you get a load of this new script for Season 6! You won’t believe it!

Entitled "Buttholes Xtreme," it’s a follow-up of last season’s episode. The story unfolds at Burned Bridges Studios, where producer Brad Wratt is being interviewed by reporters. Reacting to recent changes on the popular Sci-Fi programme "Wormhole Xtreme", fans are apparently in an international uproar. Wratt explains there were perfectly good reasons why all but one of the remaining origional characters were killed off and replaced by a department store manneQuinn, a Canadian slacker teen, a butt-kicking chick in tight black leather with huge boobs and an enormous brain and A CGI alien. The interviewer points out that the fans seem to have reacted negatively to the changes, Wratt says "They’re just poopy-heads." When pressed, Wratt finally cracks under the pressure and puts all the blame on conceptual producer Marty. By the end of the episode, Marty, disgusted with Wratt’s behavior, calls for his companions and they return and take him away in their starship.

SG-1MakeupLady <Powderpuff@Bridge.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:11 PM

Plot Summary of Nightwalkers...

Short Description: During a thunderstorm, a young boy witnesses the landing of a flying saucer in a nearby field. No one will believe the boy’s wild tale, and the aliens (who remain unseen in their subteranean space ship) begin controlling the town’s inhabitants, including his own father and mother. It all comes to a climatic end when the U.S. AIR FORCE AND SGC takes on the aliens from SOME GOA’ULD PLANET AND SHOOTS THEM AND THERE’S COOL EXPLOSIONS.

Long Description: DICK GRAYSON (TO BE CAST), a typical American twelve-year-old whose hobby is astronomy LIKE JACK SO WE CAN HAVE JACK AND A KID, awakens one night to see what appears to be a spaceship magically disappearing underground in a field near his house. The boy’s father, engaged in secret NID work at a nearby NID BASE, goes to investigate. When he returns, some strange, chilling change overtakes him, and a small scar is apparent on the back of his neck. It is not long before DICK’s mother, too, comes under this contaminating influence. Young DICK then sees a neighbor’s little girl being swallowed up by the earth near the place where the spaceship landed. She later turns up safe, but cold and sinister - and with the same scar. IT HAPPENS TO A DOG AS WELL AND IT CAN TALK.

No one believes the boy’s fantastic story. Increasing terror strikes him with his fear and concern for his parents. Finally, Dr. FRAISER, an attractive young physician with the SGC, takes him to a mutual friend, Dr. BRUCE WAYNE (TO BE CAST). An astronomer, WAYNE soon finds evidence to support the lad’s discovery: through the observatory’s telescope they see the commanding general HAMMOND in charge of security being swallowed up by the earth. They instantly alert the AIR FORCE.

As demolition squads begin to blast down under the earth, FRAISER and young DICK are pulled underground. Weird humanoid creatures, eight feet tall, force them through luminous passages to the underground spaceship, where a GOA’ULD in a glass ball directs his synthetically created giants.

At first the terrifying invaders, immune to bullets and armed with devastating weapons BECAUSE THEY ARE NINJA JAFFA AND VERY QUICK, appear invincible. But at the last minute, DICK manages to get control of one of the ZAT-guns himself, and with it blasts the way to freedom seconds before a demolition charge blows up the spaceship.

THIS IS A COMPLETELY NEW IDEA.

PTB PERSON
classified - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 1:20 PM

In a bid to win back fans TPTB have SG-1 go back in time to just before the events of Meridian. The team is given leave rather than going on a mission. Jack and Daniel go fishing and Sam takes Janet for a spin on her secret Harley. Teal’c pretends to visit his son but instead pays a visit to Jonass’ planet just in time to see the experiment go wrong. Teal’c blasts out the window, shoves Jonass through then skips away in a moment of pure comic alien genius.

blabbermouth <cannot tell>
Vanco....i mean Ontario, Canada - Tuesday, March 26, 2002, 4:13 AM

New series finale: Celebrity Deathmatch!

Voiceover:

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to celebrity Deathmatch! Today we have Brad Wright, Executive Producer of Stargate SG-1, against Devlin and Emmerich, writers and producers of the original Stargate movie!

[Two guys at a typewriter--DEVLIN AND EMMERICH--flipping the bird at another man--BRAD WRIGHT--with a typewriter.]

Devlin and Emmerich:

We were going to do two more movies, you asshole!

[Wright types something. We see Kawalsky’s eyes glow at the end of "Children of the Gods," followed by Kawalsky’s death in "The Enemy Within."]

Devlin and Emmerich:

You killed Kawalsky! You bastard!

[short clip of Devlin and Emmerich being interviewed about how much they hate the series. Wright scowls and types something.]

Daniel in "Politics":

You’re right. We’ll just upload a virus to the mothership.

[Devlin charges Wright. Emmerich holds him back and whispers something in his ear. Clip of Devlin and Emmerich’s voiceovers on the movie DVD about how much they hate the series. Wright throws visible tantrum, then types something. "Meridian" clip.]

Devlin:

Okay, that’s it, you son of a bitch!

[Devlin and Emmerich charge. Much claymation violence ensues. The final sequence will be Wright ripping out his own heart and shoving it down Devlin and Emmerich’s throats, suffocating them. Wright then punches the air in victory and falls over dead.]

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, March 25, 2002, 10:43 AM

More shocking photographs of cruelty to the cast!!!

www.geocities.com/sgteaboy/index.html

The Tea Boy <isthismilkoff?@teaboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Sunday, March 24, 2002, 4:21 PM

Coming next season on FOX:

Poochinsky teams up with Jonass Quinn in "Doghouse X-Treme"

Motto: He’s a cowardly, lying, thieving, traitor with the ethics of a weasel, he’s a talking dog. They fight crime!

Watch for a guest appearance by Daniel Jackson (played by a 200 watt bulb and a fan).

Jonass4evah <mutt@talkingdog.com>
Tinseltown, USA - Sunday, March 24, 2002, 3:40 PM

Great news!!! I can exclusively reveal my...er...TPTB exciting plans for the season six finale, refuting claims that I’m...er...TPTB are showing a singular lack of imagination this season!!! It opens with Replicators climbing up to a REALLY high shelf where they discover a new substance to consume called CPD (convenient plot device.) It has a dramatic effect on their programming - causing them to cannibalise each other!!!

The Asgard have to summon SG1 to investigate ’cos the shelf is too high for them to reach. Jonas discovers a scroll there that the Replicators have miraculously left untouched. (Sam postulates it must be a side effect of CPD.) SG1 follow the Replicators across the Asgard galaxy as they devour each other. (Explosions everywhere - our most impressive effects sequence EVER!!!) Jonas finally translates the inscription on the scroll: "There can be only one."

On the Asgard home planet the surviving Replicator (wobbly from chronic indigestion) scales a tall building - the tension is palpable!!! On top it raises its pincers/arms thingies aloft where it is zapped by a powerful energy strike!!! Sam gloomily predicts THE END OF THE UNIVERSE as the Replicator’s battery is charged up providing an inexhaustible power supply. BUT in a totally surprise development, the Replicator explodes from a power overload!!! It then starts pissing down with rain - shorting out all the scattered individual blocks. The Replicators are DEFEATED once and for all!!!

In gratitude the Asgard lend SG1 a ship to fly them home (they would have used that round stone thingie with the funny glyphs on, but no one can remember how it works.) Back at the SGC they receive a heroes welcome but their joy is short-lived!!!

Because in the meantime, unseen on-screen, Anubis has been quietly TAKING OVER THE EARTH!!! Europe fell as far back as the fifth episode. The fall of Russia was foreshadowed by Major Davis in episode nine when he said to Hammond "We’ve lost contact with the Russians, Sir."

In our MOST EXCITING TWIST EVER, Anubis is revealed as...Colonel Simmons!!! (The NID are all Goa’ulds as well.) The fiend has managed to sneak the back up generators out of the SGC and as he pulls the plug on the last remaining pocket of resistance, SG1 are plunged into blackness, facing their darkest hour yet!!!

Stayed tuned for Stargate II: Independence Gate coming to a theatre near you soon!!!

YoullNeverGuess <youllneverguess@bradwright.com>
Oh bugger, Canada - Sunday, March 24, 2002, 11:02 AM

Sorry, Bunny.

Our latest demographic research--which consists entirely of Joe hanging out online with his buds--indicates that our fanbase consists of teenaged boys with ADD who play 16 hours of video games a day.

As for the women, well, you know you can’t sell chicks to advertisers unless they’re below the age of 30 and buying makeup and tampons. Women don’t buy fast food, computers, or cars. Only unemployed drug-addicted teenaged boys buy computers and cars! no wait, um, only gainfully employed young men trying to impress women buy cars. But you get the point.

That’s just the way it is. Don’t rock the boat.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, March 23, 2002, 11:05 AM

I’ve got a TREMENDOUS spoiler for tonight’s new episode!!! It seems that the Goauld system lords have all developed a terrible nutritional deficiency, and so they have all taken up CHEWING THE WALLPAPER! Just watch if you don’t believe me--in just one scene, Osiris and Zipacna consume 14 metric tons of wallpaper before your astonished eyes in a matter of moments! Incredible writing, incredible acting, just...incredible!!!!

Superspy!!! <Secret!>
Not Tellin!, Nope! - Friday, March 22, 2002, 5:04 PM

I don’t understand. I was led to believe I was getting an award-winning Science Fiction show about a team of four established characters that appealed to an audience with a large female demographic. A Rolls-Royce of a Sci-Fi show.

So what’s this stripped-down Buick with no wheels doing, abandoned at my curb...?

Bunny Screwdriver <rubberstamp@formletter.com>
Glamour, CA - Friday, March 22, 2002, 4:56 PM

Damn, Secret Insider, you are SO not getting your memos! Maybe you should change your handle to "Nobody Tells Me Nuthin’!"

Yes, the new System Lord Outrageous, who managed to look good despite the bad makeup, was Shanks. Good thing I’m newly secure in my sexuality, ’cause DAMN! y’know’? Tight leather! Oh, my GOD! I asked him out before I realized it was him. Unfortunately, Lexa happened to be visiting on the set that day. She smacked me with her purse and called me a bitch!

Speaking of damn, Lexa can smack me with her purse any time.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 22, 2002, 2:46 PM

Yo, "Secret Insider!"

I only said Jack talking to Daniel on the phone wasn’t PROOF of a psychotic break. We gotta be nice to Tichenor. We were hoping he’d write another script!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 22, 2002, 2:32 PM

Hoping to cash in on the success of Star Wars (instead of The X Files which was, like, a totally disasterous yawn-fest) the show will be introducing KEWLLLLLLLL wacky aliens. Becos Wormhole Xtreme was so well received (by the PTB who were in it and a couple of studio-friendly journos) the aliens will be played by PTB. PDL was suggested as the fans still really like him but he was refused on the grounds that he would become as popular as Urgo and Aris Boch and we’ve seen neither of those again, have we? Joe Mallozzi said: "I want to be as popular as Martin!" It was suggested by an unnamed person that if he got his wish he’d better go buy a kevlar vest and watch out for falling pianos. Joe’s response to that is unknown.

EXCLEWSIVE PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HERE!!!!!!!!!! www.geocities.com/sgteaboy

Click on New Spoilers at the bottom of the page! It’s all TRUE! TPTB told me so! It’s going to be a hell of a lot of fun!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Tea-Boy <takeoutthespoonyoumoron@teaboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Friday, March 22, 2002, 4:19 AM

In an effort to pander to the increasingly vocal demographic (obviously suffering from a collective form of PMSS - aka Praise Michael Shanks Syndrome), TPTB at Gekko and SciFi Channel have got together to give them what they want. Or else. I mean, the threat of thousands of screaming women threatening to beat down their doors and nag them to death should be enough for most quivering males to make them want to listen. I digress. Season 6 will be renamed Season 3.5. Daniel Jackson will wake up from his FIAD dream and everything that has been shown since will not have happened. Jack will have regained the use of his brain. Sam will have stopped simpering and become a normal superbrain. Teal’c will have regained the ability to speak more than two words in a row. The team (note the use of the word ’team’ here) will go through the gate - every week - and, get this, meet and greet new aliens! (There’s a novelty). The writers will (emphasis on ’will’) do some research. Daniel will no longer be wallpaper, no matter how pretty a picture he makes. He and Sam will regain their close sibling relationship and he and Jack will be their usual bitchy, snarky selves, finishing off each other’s sentences and generally looking out for each other - and hugs will be allowed again. The only M’n’M’s allowed anywhere near the show will be of the chocolate variety. And battled over regularly by the team mates - obviously. Viewing figures will rocket, Glassner, Devlin and Emmerich will love it so much that they’ll come back and look after it. And one of these days I’m going to be let out of this padded cell. OOooh look, there’s a flying pig. Noooo, no more needles, please. I’m not mad, honestly. It’s an alien virus. Just get Jack for me, will ya?

Major Cockup <Imnotmad@paddedcell.com>
UK - Thursday, March 21, 2002, 11:47 AM

Wh-what???? That woman in the episode we just filmed was *Shanks*?

I am soooo not getting my memos.

Secret Insider <canttellya@gekko.com>
Canada - Thursday, March 21, 2002, 10:49 AM

Sorry TV Zone, but you got it almost completely *wrong.* Michael Shanks never had a problem with Richard Dean Anderson; the mending was done with the "writers" of the show and he will be returning, but not as Dr. Daniel Jackson.

In a determined effort to get their way no matter WHAT anyone wants, thinks or opines, they’ve scripted it that Michael Shanks will return playing a new system lord named Outrageous, the God of Transvestitism. In thos role, Michael will be forced to wear tight black leather, six inch pumps, Tammy Fae level make-up and a beehive wig. He will also be sporting Anise-sized falsies. "The Powers That Be insisted that we only had permission to add more sexy alien women," Brad Wright commented. "We had to get Michael back somehow, and this was the only way."

Insider <Vancouver@HotDogStand.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Thursday, March 21, 2002, 9:20 AM

As this issue went to press, we received the suprising news that Micheal Shanks is set to return to Stargate SG-1. In an unexpected move, he told an online fan forum that he was ’keen to mend the relationship between himself and Richard Dean Anderson’, one of the show’s executive producers. However, while fans may now be partying in the streets in a carefree and windswept manner, it has emerged that Shanks will not be returning as DR. Daniel Jackson.

Instead he will play Dr. Jackson’s hitherto-unmentioned twin brother, Michael. Asked why he was not returning as the unbelievably popular Daniel, Shanks commented, ’it would be unrealistic to have Daniel return to such a mundane realm, to have him walk with Human Beings again, ingest chemical replenishment and interact verbally about the minuscule matters that concern the SGC. No, I think Michael will not only bring back the importance of Daniel’s independent and concerning ethical opinion, but do it with the fragrance and spice that only a long lost, West Indian, Tourrette-suffering brother can’.

Filming for the episode ’Oh Brother’ is due to begin at the start of April.

TV Zone #149 <tvzone@visimag.com>
London, UK - Wednesday, March 20, 2002, 6:17 PM

I have spoilers for the new Stargate spinoff. I heard from my sister’s hairdresser’s cousin’s roomate, who knows JM’s dog walker that the new series will feature the most popular characters from SG in a fresh new concept!! Jonass Quinn, continuing his mission of redemption decides to move to LA and, get this, "help the hopeless." He is aided in his mission by Cadet Haley-Sue and Marty, his direct link to the PTB.

Drooling Fangrrl <fangrrl666@allhailsatin.com>
Boston, MA - Wednesday, March 20, 2002, 3:24 PM

KinnickKinnick: "The injury was sustained when RDA apparently didn’t hear the director’s repeated cries of "Cut!""

Whereupon someone yelled "How can you tell in those pants?"

I have SHOCKING PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of mistreatment of stars on the set!

www.geocities.com/sgteaboy/index.html

The Tea-Boy <youwantsugarinthat@teaboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 6:00 PM

Teaboy, you *almost* had it right. Everything happened exactly as you described, except that O’Neil was *kneeing* Jarjar Quinn in the groin for three hours. The injury was sustained when RDA apparently didn’t hear the director’s repeated cries of "Cut!"

Next episode, Jarjar Quinn’s exceptionally high voice will be explained as an after-effect of having inhaled Helium.

KinnickKinnick
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 4:56 PM

DO NOT TELL ANYONE ELSE THIS!!!! Richard Dean Anderson’s knee injury happened during filming. In the scene, Jack accidentally kicks Judas Quinn to death for three solid hours. Sam and Teal’c have to be held back from rushing to their friend’s aid. When told to stand back by Doctor Fraiser, Sam snarls "The colonel needs help! What if he gets tired?" We also see the reappearance of the ribbon device and get to see Sam learn to control its effects...with deadly results.

The Tea-Boy <doyoutakemilk@teboy.com>
Vancouver, Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 4:06 PM

Hey, TPTB Double Agent...

Are you forgetting to send me my memos again? I was *told* Jack is going to have a psychotic break. So now you’ve all decided to make it some special effect phone thing so Tichenor has another toy to play with? Sheesh. Can’t you guys get this stuff straight?

Secret Insider <canttellya@gekko.com>
Canada - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 11:01 AM

Yo, "Secret Insider!"

Jack isn’t having a psychotic break just because he’s talking on the phone to Daniel. See, we got this nifty misty white phone that dials up Oma Desala’s plane of existence, and we’re putting it right next to the red phone on Hammond’s desk! Only, if it’s not a REAL emergency your hand goes RIGHT THROUGH IT!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, March 19, 2002, 12:49 AM

Hey! Guess what? Jack is actually going to be in two of the ten upcoming episodes! And I have it on good authority that he talks to Carter on her cell phone at least ONCE per episode! In one episode, he even talks to Teal’c on the phone! And in another, he talks to Daniel on the phone, too (we won’t go into the fact that this means Jack is have a psychotic break...). I’ve heard that RDA also has a BIG presence in the 6th season episodes because they plan to run his PHONE CARD commercials during every episode! Whoo hoo!

Secret Insider <canttell@gekko.com>
CANADA - Monday, March 18, 2002, 11:03 AM

TPTB wish to announce that due to a slight oversight in their video collections (and notable lack of taste) that they wish to compensate for NOT having homaged the hell out of Kubrick by not only having Bal’al’s sarcophagus - featured in season 6’s episode ’Abyss: Return of the Little Fluffy Cloud la-la’ - rotate, but do so in SLOW MOTION to a backing track of The Blue Danube.

For UK viewers their will be a special edition broadcast combined with the National Lottery wednesday draw where the six numbered balls that could make YOU a multi-multi-millionaire shoot out of the box before Jack.

In addition to this striking new piece of information, it is also announced that Daniel Jackson WILL return as a psychotic red lightbulb. Good news for all those delusionnal wackos on the internet as it is rumoured he will not only recite one line but the full TWO VERSES of ’Daisy Daisy’ before SuperSam(TM) pulls the plug. Teal’c may join in the harmonies.

ConspiracyTheorist <shhh@somebodyswatching.somebodysalwayswatching.com>
Monday, March 18, 2002, 3:05 AM

(Notes stolen from Joseph Mallozzi’s desk, for distribution to the fans:)

"REDEMPTION (#601-602) - "The first two episodes are a two-parter entitled ’Redemption,’ written by Robert C. Cooper. Those of you concerned that there is less money to go around this year and that the show will pale in comparison should have your minds put at ease with this two-parter, in a big way. We added $4.95 to the budget!

"Redemption will see Anubis, who is still invisible (saves money that way) raising the stakes in a big way -- and also see the return of a certain guest character that everybody absolutely despised from mid-Season Five. As for Anubis, we’ll be peeling the layers on that onion but for those of you who haven’t seen ’Revelations,’ well, he’s not your typical Goa’uld. And wait until you find out why. He’s Santa Claus!"

DESCENT (#603) - "Peter DeLuise directs episode three, ’Descent,’ written by myself and Paul Mullie. This one will be another terrific-looking episode in which we do something we’ve never done before; pick up a writer’s guide. We actually sunk a camera for some very cool underwater sequences. Yup, our cast gets good and wet. The cast in the episode is Mullie’s pet goldfish Sweetums, a ceramic castle and some drifting flakes of food. The sequences look truly amazing. Special guest star, as most of you know, our man Major Davis in a CGI cut-out."

FROZEN (#604) - "Episode four, again written by the incredibly prolific Robert C. Cooper, is entitled ’Frozen.’ This one promises a very cool setting, a major revelation concerning a long-running arc, and the beginning of a difficult time for O’Neill. He resolves his problem with a space heater. I believe Martin Wood will be directing ’Frozen.’"

NIGHTWALKERS (#605) - "’Nightwalkers,’ written by Paul and I is -- ooh, one of those creepy, Earth-based stories that tie in to events from ’Desperate Measures.’ Or something. If I can find where I put my official SG-1 writer’s clipboard and pen, I’ll start it tonight. After I watch some big movie with an idea I like."

ABYSS (#606) - "Episode [six] is ’Abyss,’ the much-anticipated return of Daniel Jackson, written by our fearless leader Brad Wright because I would break out in hives and faint if I had to write a line for Daniel Jackson. Lots of Jack/Daniel scenes, banter, and the presence of a certain Goa’uld we haven’t seen since ’Summit.’ I think it’s Bastet, who never got a single line of dialogue in that episode. But she looks great in a tight black leather catsuit."

SHADOW PLAY (#607) - "Episode seven, entitled ’Shadow Play,’ written by Paul and I, will focus on that handsome hunk Jonas, and a possible return to his home planet to finish what he started; blow it up. But in a delightfully rascally way. He doesn’t bother to tell the rest of SG-1, as those guys have too much of that fuddy-duddy personal integrity ideal.

THE OTHER GUYS (#608) - "Now the slotting may change, because we may have to write Daniel Jackson back into the series by this time, but episode eight was written by Damian Kindler who co-wrote ’Need’ with Robert Cooper. Titled, ’The Other Guys,’ it offers a glimpse of SG-1 in action from a decidedly different point of view. A bunch of resentful, jealous writers. There are some shots of Sam in the shower."

ALLEGIANCE (#609) - "Episode nine -- finally, Peter DeLuise shows off his writing prowess to answer the questions: What is up with the Tok’ra after the events of ’Last Stand?’ What has happened to the Jaffa after the events of ’The Warrior?’ ’Allegiance’ will focus on the relationship between the Tok’ra and the Jaffa. Peter wrote this episode. It will totally rule.

UNTITLED EPISODE 10 (#610) - "Episode 10 -- as yet untitled, sees the return of a former System Lord. As soon as I decide which one everyone cares least about, I’ll slot him/her in there."

Mallozzi told fans that Christopher Judge ("Teal’c") and Amanda Tapping ("Major Samantha Carter") may be contributing script ideas because they they threaten they’ll commit suicide if they don’t, at this point. Tapping recently told Prevue Magazine that she is writing an episode for Season Six where Sam tells Jack that she’s never going to carry their relationship any further, because he’s very sweet, but she doesn’t want give up her career or risk ending up in court martial. "Everything is coming together very nicely," Mallozzi said. "I’m serious --no really--Season Six will be the best season yet. It’s funny. Some are looking at it as the end of Stargate when, in reality, it’s actually a new beginning. Season Six introduces a whole new dynamic and will essentially be the launch point for the movie and the spin-off."

Then I can dump all those characters I never created and take off on the momentum of the show with my own ideas and characters. Watch for "Quetzelcoatl the Talking Dyspeptic Goauld Chihuahua" next year!

007 <Bond@SecretAgency.com>
London, UK - Sunday, March 17, 2002, 9:42 AM

----- F L A S H B U L L E T I N -----

Knight-Rider News, Overknight:

In a BLIDING coincidence, MGM officials have leaked the news that, as of today, March 17th, 2002, the SG teams going through the Stargate will be required to wear green coats, green kneepants, black socks, black shoes with buckles, a green bow tie, a green stove-top hat with a shamrock and will all be required to smoke a pipe and say "Top O’ the Mornin’" to every alien species encountered.

When informed of the new uniform, ex-earth enemy, Teal’c, ripped out his own Goa’uld and died.

E. Hemingway <SAVEDANIELUPDATES@KnightRiderNews.com>
New York City, NY, USA - Sunday, March 17, 2002, 4:10 AM

Hey, Cathy at Burlington Coat Factory (which is so *not* there on the fashion scene) --

I mean, like, HOW can they use the Stargate when they, like TOTALLY blew up the dial-out thingie in that last episode and, like, knocked over some unsuspecting guy in a white shirt (and, like, why do they wear those white shirts anyway, dude. Not cool? Don’t they know anything about how, like, white attracts stains -- I know because my Mother *sigh* won’t let me wear white because she, like, says boys can see my bra through it -- and how hard it is to, like, get stains out of whites? I’ve tried EVERYTHING ... and I was even told, like, that old GOOP brand hand cream like my Granddaddy used to use would work, but it didn’t. So I’ve, like, TOTALLY concluded that anyone in the Gate room wearing white is the semi-sorta equivalent to a guy wearing a red security uniform on Star Trek: Vintage). I mean, like, sad, dude, but cool at the same time.

BTW, I, like, got my application off to MTI -- you know, like, that smart place in Massachusetts or Florida ... or, like, is it maybe, like, in Oklahoma? I’ve, like, forgotten.

Oh well. Off to my N’Sync concert to see Justin. He’s just, like, so handsome. Just like Daniel Jackson.

And didn’t that red crystal thingie they took out and replaced with that Russian DHD thingie (or was that DVD? Coz if it was, then Gen. Hammond is a dork because you can go to Best Buy or Circuit City now and get a cheapo DVD for about $99 and you’d think if the Pentagon would allow $30,000 for a wrench, they’d pay for a $99.00 DVD to protect the earth and all of its inhabitants therein) because now won’t the Russians be MAJORLY MAJORLY pissed off?

Brittney <BrittneysBoobs@SiliconeValleyImplants.cone>
Like somewhere in like California, USA - maybe like I think so - Sunday, March 17, 2002, 3:58 AM

More JACKSON XTREME news!!!!!

Guess who the BIG BAD is in the new spin-off series??? None other than Evil!Daniel from "Absolute Power"!!! That’s right! All Daniel, all the time! Nothing but Daniel XXXXXXXTREEEEEME!

(There MUST be a FEMALE Daniel in one of those Alternate Universes... she could be the new kick-butt love interest!!!!)

DeLuiseIsAGod <urgo@urgo.com>
Wayoutthere, Saturday, March 16, 2002, 10:02 PM

I’ve been told that there’s going to be an episode with the Sg-1 team using the stargate. The episode is going to have mythology in it and all the characters including Daniel will have something to do. Sam won’t be anybody’s love interest. Teal’c will have more than four lines. Jack won’t be dense and he won’t be treating Daniel as if he’s been instructed not to be too nice or friendly with him. All of them will be allowed to have friendship moments and their adventure won’t be based on a rejected X-Files script. I was going to tell everybody.....but it’s so unlikely nobody would believe me!

Cathy <cathybaxter@midlnder.co.uk>
Birmingham, Saturday, March 16, 2002, 3:33 PM

Yo, "SHHHHHHHH!"

You forgot Milo from the animated "Atlantis." He’ll be there, too.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, March 16, 2002, 11:53 AM

At great risk to life and sanity, I have just come from the super-secret meeting between TPTB, where it turns out they were planning the brand new STARGATE franchise SPIN-OFF series!

You guys are not gonna *believe* this! They STILL don’t get it--that all we want is to have the team restored, you know, to back where it was for the first few years. In an effort to tranquilize all the rabid fans demanding Daniel Jackson back, the spin-off is going to be about NOTHING but Daniel Jackson. In fact, it’s called JACKSON XTREME!

A new team is formed to go through the Gate (the one in Carter’s basement that was made out of her microwave) and explore. The team:

Daniel Jackson Daniel Jackson the Android (his head glued back on) "Daniel Jackson" from Wormhole Extreme (the comic relief) Mirror Daniel Jackson Ascended Daniel Jackson ...and in a brilliant move, the new supervising General is...James Spader Daniel Jackson!!!

I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m stunned.

SSSSHHH <Secret>
SSSSH, SHHHHH - Saturday, March 16, 2002, 9:19 AM

MAJOR SPOILERS FOR EPISODE 734: "NIGHT TERRORS"

I mean, this is really, really big stuff. It’s SO hot off the presses at Gekko, MGM, SG-1 production staff, it’s literally burning my hands. But I feel compelled to give out this spoiler because it’s so very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very important in the scheme of things and in the future of the show -- especially that of the HIGHLY POSSIBLE return of our bewuvved Daniel Jackson that I just had to share.

I mean, you are going to be SOOOOO blown away ... this is like NO spoiler that’s come before and it’s SO important as it sheds light on the subtleties of Daniel Jackson’s characters, his motives, whether finally (and hallelujah) that he’s gay or bi at least and whether or not Jack O’Neill has built an altar in effigy of Daniel with Teal’c’s help.

But I digress. The storyline is simple but tragic, viewed from so many different angles it is absolutely amazing. I don’t know yet who actually wrote this screen master piece but they should be honored with an Emmy nod and a SWG award.

Okay, so here’s the ENTIRE script, transcribed in painstaking detail. This one’s really gonna make you flip! Especially the Daniel Jackson parts.

ESTABLISHING SHOT OF NEW, UNEXPLORED EARTH-LIKE (AS ALWAYS) PLANET. IT’S DARK AS IT’S NIGHTTIME.

NARRATOR:

Itwas a dark and stormy night ...so they all went home."

E. Bulwer-Lytton <SomewhereBuriedInEngland@Paupers.com>
United Kingdom, Saturday, March 16, 2002, 2:57 AM

Hey, ShatsAStud!

No offense taken. McCoy fans unite!

And please: COWORKERS. Double agent, you know. And apparently the friggin’ coffee boy. Huh!

And yes, Fauxnication, April 1st does fall at the beginning of April.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, March 16, 2002, 12:21 AM

TPTB Double Agent:

No offense intended about the Late Great Bones. Dr. McCoy was *MY* favorite character and a true gentleman the times I met him.

But, he *is* gone, sadly.

If only the same could be said of some of YOUR friends at TPTB ... not that I want them dead. I just want them to go away ... like they made Daniel Jackson go away

ShatsAStud2 <HorsesNWimmen@ShatnersDisposal.sick>
Malibu, California, USA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 11:36 PM

Would that be April 1st, TPTB Double Agent?

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:22 PM

Aggravation

When Sam shoots Jonas a couple of times, she has to question her motives.

Meanwhile, Jack is forced to question her aim.

Fauxnication <biteme!@yeahsureyoubetcha.com>
Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:16 PM

Michael will not only bring back the importance of Daniel’s ethics and conscience, but do it with the fragrance and spice that only a long lost, west indian tourrette-suffering brother can - filming of the episode "Oh Brother" is due to begin at the start of April.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Friday, March 15, 2002, 6:08 PM

More spoilers as promised, er, 5 months ago...

Season 6 Episode 18 "Fluff'n'Fold": Yu (you thought he was dead, but he ain't) and Nurti open an intergalactic Washeteria to legitimize their goa'uld money 'laundering' operation. The Tok'ra Organized Crime Unit (TOCU) get wind of it and contact the SGC to see if SG1 will do an uncover sting. After Gen. Hammond gathers his shirts (the ones with the mustard and ketchup stains), The Tok'ra, Dounwhend, brings four laundry baskets - specially rigged with hidden cameras and a secret compartment to store Dr. Pepper and Cheetos - to our beloved team along with the gate coordinates to P3X-999999999. After some squabbling over who gets to use Tide or Ajax, the team manages to do their laundry, shut down the Washeteria, and have a snack at the local Mickey D's before heading back to Earth. Poor Jonas/Judas/Jonah forgets to bring extra money with him so he only gets a 4 chicken nugget kid's meal, paid for by a very disgruntled T'ealc. *sigh*

Season 6 Episode 23.5 "Within The Python's Grasp": Sam gates to an unspecified location (TOP SECRET) to document baby star migrations across the Almond Joy and Skittles galaxies. During a freak lunar flare (it could happen!) Sam is deposited on a mysterious planet inhabited by the Knights of the Round Table cavorting around in a cardboard castle and singing annoying songs about Spam and Sperm. The bumbling knights 'assist' Sam in locating the long-lost DHD, and in warding off the local goa'uld giants with glowing eyes, horned hats, who run around saying "Ni!" while clapping empty coconut halves together and generally irritating everyone they come across. After finally locating the DHD (under a pile of empty cans of Spam), Sam gates back to the SGC, only to be greeted by Gen. Hammond dressed as a Lumberjack.

I'll be watching the trash as usual for more gems to share with you...

Ginger Vitis <ihatespam@spam.com>
Vancouver, BC - Monday, October 28, 2002, 12:26 PM

THE TALENTED MR. QUINN:

Jonas Quinn is an alien scientist. When his experiment goes badly awry, he is driven by his overwhelming dysphoria and an even more overweening drive to assuage this angst by belonging to allow another to take the blame. He then insinuates himself into his victim's life, taking over his victim's job, office, friendships, possessions, and pets. Quinn's talents, alluded to in the title, include lying, impersonation, stealing, reading really fast, and holding his breath a long time.

It's better to be a fake somebody than a real nobody. You'll love him.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, October 12, 2002, 12:43 PM

OK GUYS AND GALS WELL THE WRITER FOUND OUT THAT I HAD TOLD YOU THAT THEY WERE GOING TO TRY SOMETHING NEW BUT OLD YOU REMEMBER THE SUPPER SAM LOOK A LIKE THE BLOND REPORTER. WELL SO THEY MIGHT CHANGE IT SORRY FOLKS GUESS I WAS A LIL TO WRITE ON. WELL SO NOW THAT BRAD AND SCI-FI ARE FINALLY LISTENING TO US HERE AT SDJ SUPRISING ISNT IT LOL WELL THEY ARE GOING TO KILL JONAS OFF DURNIGN THE SEASON PREMIER IN JANURARY WELL I GUESS THEY DIDNT LISTEN ALL THE WAY BUT THEY HAVE NOT DECIDED YET IF THEY ARE GOING TO BRING DANIEL BACK FULL TIME OR NOT THEY ARE NOW THINKING ABOUT HAVING THE DOC'S DAUGHTER TAKE HIS PLACE SEEING AS THO SHE IS FROM ANOTHER PLANET AND CAN SENSE THOSE BAD GUYS THE GU'LD WHAT WAS HER NAME OH YEA CASANDRA AND JUST TO MAKE IT DIFFERENT THEY ARE THINKING ABOUT MAKE SG-1 A 6 PERSON TEAM THE REPORTER JACK SAM TEAL'C CASANDRA AND THAT STUCK UP SMARTASS STUDENT WE ALL MET IN PROGIGY YOU KNOW THE ONE I AM TALKING ABOUT BUT THERE IS ONE PROBLEM THYE HAVE TO RECAST HER CHARACTER BECAUSE SHE (THE REAL ONE) REFUSES TO WORK WITHOUT MICHAEL SHANKS AKA DANIEL JACKSON WELL WHEN I FIND OUT MORE I LET YOU KNOW AND IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO ADD TO THIS PLEASE FELL FREE TO DO SO!!!!!

Desirae <Desirae0220@yahoo.com>
ogden, utah usa where the 2002 olympics were held - Monday, September 23, 2002, 6:57 PM

I have it on good authority that SDJ was planning on wearing white shoes after Labor Day at Gatecon. Thank God security was there to stop them!

Palace Drone
Wednesday, September 18, 2002, 6:45 AM

Sally--

"Crimes against fashion"? I'll have you know that Joe Mallozzi looked wicked cute in that Baal costume!

Whoops, I've said too much...

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Wednesday, September 18, 2002, 5:48 AM

Jonas joins the Inuit and participates in some peyote rituals. He then becomes oddly attractive to pigeons.

SG-1 is anxious about his absence. They phone up the tribal headquarters and are reassured that Jonas will return. Jack's official report reads:

Nobody can get no sleep,
There's someone on ev'ryone's toes
But when Quinn the Eskimo gets here,
Ev'rybody's gonna wanna doze.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, September 16, 2002, 7:44 AM

OK GUYS AND GALS I GOT SOME MORE NEW TO CONTINUE OFF WHERE WE LEFT OFF WITH THE SUPPER SAM WANNNA BE U KNOW THE BLOND SAM LOOK-A-LIKE (NO OFFENCE TO BLONDS I LOVE UM) BUT OK HERE IT IS SEE YOU KNOW HOW SUPPER SAM FALLS FOR A GUYS AND THAT GUYS DIES WELL THE WRITER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE A GREAT STORY LINE IF THE SAM LOOK-A-LIKE WOULD FALL FOR JACK AND QUINN U KNOW THE FRIENDLY LIL ALIEN GUY THAT CAME ON THIS SEASON JONAS, WELL SEE THE DIEING THING ONLY APPLIES TO SAM BACUSE SHE IS JUST WAY TO HOT AND YES WHERE THE REPORTER IS GOOD LOOKIN NOTHIN CAM TAKE SAMS GOOD LOOKS PLACE AMONG US HEHEHEHE. WELL USE YOUR IMAGINATIONS FROM THERE AND SORRY IT IS NOT MUCH NEWS BUT I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU ALL WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AND LIKE I SAID WHEN MORE COMES MY WAY ILL LET YOU KNOW. NOW "DON'T BE AN ASS JACK" SAID BY MY FAV CHARACTER U KNOW HIM THE ONE THAT DIED I SO SAD!!!

DESIRAE <EVALEWIS021@MSN.COM>
OGDEN, UTAH - Tuesday, September 3, 2002, 1:26 AM

SPOILERS FOR THE SEASON FINALE!!! "FULL CIRCLE"

To their horror, the writers over at Bridge discover that there are a few popular characters from the earlier seasons that they actually haven't killed off yet! This situation is remedied in FULL CIRCLE, where Kasuf and Skaara die. Daniel Jackson returns, to die again by the end of the episode.

Jonas, of course, lives on and on and on and on...

Jonas finds the candy wrapper from Daniel's original visit to Abydos, 7 years earlier, and desperately licks the chocolate off of it. This is mistaken for character development.

C4U

Curtains4U
Thursday, August 29, 2002, 8:25 AM

This week's episode: PROMETHEUS

A TV producer betrays SG-1.

Jonas's refusal to act in the midst of a crisis leads to someone's death. (Now where have we heard that, before...?) The character who dies needlessly is the TV producer. That's the plot, not a death threat.

Sam is trapped in a closet, but she has a pair of bobby pins handy and saves the day.

Commissary Sue <Chow@bridge.com>
Friday, August 23, 2002, 9:47 PM

Hey, I don't know where you're getting your information, but the spoiler you posted about SMOKE & MIRRORS is ALL WRONG!!! As I've stated before, and I will STATE emphatically again, NID conspiracy stories are NOT a big part of the SERIES!!!! In fact, SMOKE & MIRRORS is just that, about smoke and...uh...mirrors. The newly-revamped SG1 team gate to a planet that is a perpetual carnival. Sam gets kidnapped by the evil Carnie Master Alien; Jack blows up some stuff and passes out from smoke asphixiation (also reinjuring his knee), and Jonass has to save the day by dressing up in a clown suit and posing in a lot of mirrors. Teal'c decides to become one of those creepy white-trash bouncers who check tickets at the ferris wheel--he's already got a cool tattoo. I'm NOT going to share any more of this, except Michael Shanks is expected to guest star, as one of the lights on the carousel. So keep your eyes peeled...and remember, NO NID Conspiracy stories happen here!!!

A Producer
Friday, June 14, 2002, 1:37 AM

Not really a spoiler, I just wanted to share a little ditty I've been humming around the office:

Brave Sir Jonas (adapted from "Brave Sir Robin" by Eric Idle)

***

Bravely bold Sir Jonas went forth from Kalona.
He was not afraid to die, o brave Sir Jonas.
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Jonas.

He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out and his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split and his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Jonas...

His head smashed in and his heart cut out,
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged,
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burnt off,
and his...

***

Brave Sir Jonas ran away
Bravely, ran away... away...
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.

Yes, brave Sir Jonas turned about
And gallantly he chicken out.
Bravely taking to his feet,
He beat a very brave retreat...
Bravest of the brave, Sir Jonas.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 11, 2002, 2:34 PM

Here are the REAL spoilers for SG-1 Season Six. See how you feel about these:

6X1/2 Redemption (parts 1 & 2) Friday June 7th & June 14th on SciFi at 9pm Drey'auc is dead and Rya'c joins his father Teal'c on a mission with Bra'tac to prove his path is right. Anubis attacks the Stargate to destroy it; O'Neill and Carter must take out the second Death Glider prototype ("Tangent") since they can't contact their allies. Teal'c is told of SGC's plight and must stop Anubis. Jonas Quinn and a Russian envoy to SGC appears. Began filming Febuary 16th. 6X3 Descent June 21st SG1 is trapped aboard Osiris' Mothership which crashes underwater. Jacob Carter and Major Davis appears. 6X4 Frozen June 28th The SGC's study of the Antartic Gate site reveals a woman buried in the ice who is revived and carries a disease. 6X5 Nightwalkers SG1 investigates a Gou'ald infestation in a local Earth town involving NID and Conrad ("Desperate Measures"). 6X6 Abyss Jack is blended with a Tok'Ra who gets him captured by the Gou'ald. The Tok'Ra committs suicide to prevent its knowledge from falling into enemy hands and Jack is tourtured for the information, being killed repeatedly then ressurected by a Sarcophogus. Daniel Jackson visits Jack in his head to keep him sane. 6X7 Shadow Play Quinn's mentor (Dean Stockwell) visits him to tell that their people are about to use a deadly bomb in their nation war. 6X8 The Other Guys While escorting physicists off-world, SG1 is taken captive by Gou'ald hoping to curry favor with Anubis. A pair of escaped physicists (ENT's John Billingsley) who rever SG1 must rescue them. The episode is told from their POV. 6X9 Allegiance SGC's Alpha Site is crowded with Tok'Ra and Jaffa refugees and tensions mount between them when the base falls under sabotage. Jacob Carter and Bra'tac appear. Examines the relationship between the Tok'Ra and Jaffa. 6X10 Cure SG1 is offered a deal for a miracle medicine from an alien world, but the source is Egeria, Gou'ald Queen Symbiote who created the Tok'Ra 2,000 years ago on Earth and is now dying. 6X11 Prometheus (part 1 of 2) The press learns of Project Prometheus, the official bank name for the SGC. The SGC must create an elaborate ruse to mislead the press, but it is complicated by Adrian Conrad and the Gou'ald from "Nightwalkers". Col Simmons appears. 6X12 Unnatural Selection (part 2 of 2) The "Tangent" Death Glider returns. 6X13 Metamorphosis 6X14 Smoke and Mirrors 6X15 Sight Unseen 6X? Fragile Balance Involves human clones being used for slavery, originally slated for late Season Four. The Asgard and a new character appear.

*Sigh*
Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 6:45 PM

THIS JUST IN!!

I heard from a secret source (who may or may not be my nephew who works in the MacDonalds in Vancouver and overhead BW talking about it at the counter while ordering his Big Mac'n'Cheese), that the next episode to be written will be called "Three Fingered Salute". He didn't get the whole rundown, but the gist of it was as follows:

On returning from a romantic fishing weekend, Carter and O'Neill are shocked to find the Stargate is no longer working! Sam immediately starts running diagnostics while Jack sits on the table next to her making smart-alec remarks and pretending to be dumb. After almost 45 minutes, SuperSam realises that the gate's technology is in fact shareware and has gone past it's 5,000 year evaluation deadline. Unfortunately O'Neill's credit card is maxed out (all that bait and romantic roses) so they try Teal'c's, but the Ancients Registration Line is closed for an upgrade, so they can't buy the full version!

Luckily, O'Neil has a copy of "Gate Technology for Dummies" in his locker - left over from that time he got all that Ancients' knowledge stuck in his head, (seems a shame none of it stuck, but there ya go), but they realise they need whatsisface, the guy with the glasses, to translate it. Teal'c goes off on a suicide mission (not seen on camera), to contact whatsisface, which he does, then dies. No-one seems to mind much.

Anyway, whatsisface appears as a glowing fluffy energy thing which gets into the SGC mainframe and he communicates through the computer screen with SuperSam and ThickJack, a la War Games, and tells them to press "Ctrl, ALT, Delete, stupid" Which they do, and the gate works again. Hooray!

Then lots of stuff blows up, which is what we all really want, right?

Apparently this episode was inspired by an *actual event* where BW left his talent open on the desktop and then accidentally reset the computer. All talent was tragically lost.

plausible deniability <notmeguv@bridge.com>
Vancou...er...London, UK - Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 8:43 AM

I actually wrote the 12th episode for Season 6, thank you very much. SG-1 is attacked by giant creatures with shells and only the brave, clever and strong Jonas saves everyone by luring them into a huge stock pot and boiling them alive, after which they are really lovely with melted butter and old bay seasoning, or (as Daniel suggests from the ascended plain) steamed with a little garlic. The episode is entitled JONAS GETS THE CRABS.

Commissary Sue <Chow@bridge.com>
Vancouver, BC - Wednesday, June 5, 2002, 1:22 AM

In a plot borrowed from real life on the set (ie: the infamous "flatulence memo") SG-0.75 does battle with giant gastropods, who emit noxious er, emmissions to propel themselves through the air. Hijinks ensue as the team battles the stink and make horrible bathroom humor puns.

It's almost curtains for the wacky SG-0.75 comic alien duo, but Jonass reads a medical manual really, really fast and realizes that the answer to their problem is Tums (the anti-gas kind, not the regular antacid variety--just in case you were wondering). Sam whips up a huge blender and chops up a factory's worth of the little antacids and O'Neill comes back from his vacation just in time for the last five minutes, where he flies a WWII plane over the amazing stinky pods and peppers them with Tums, thereby saving the world, once again.

It's not over yet though! The gastropods fall out of the sky, landing on Jonass and crushing him. To death? It's a cliffhanger where we all wait with baited breath to see if he survives until next week---or not.

(I know what MY vote is)

scriptgrrl <scriptsfordummies@vanbridge.com>
Tuesday, June 4, 2002, 11:50 AM

"MEN IN OLIVE DRAB"

The earth is attacked by giant flying slugs. Sam and Jonas save the day by setting up beer traps and sprinkling salt on them!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Tuesday, June 4, 2002, 10:50 AM

Here is how I would like season 6 to start:

Jack wakes up with a start, and heads to the bathroom and lo and behold, there is Daniel Jackson, coming out of the shower. He's alive! and Jack realizes all of Season 5 was just a dream...

Nick Lilavois
Monday, June 3, 2002, 6:45 PM

SEASON SIX, EPISODE ONE:

Jonas offers to box with Teal'c for a chance to be made a member of SG-1. He spends the rest of the season in a body cast, eating through a straw, but they spraypaint an SG-1 logo on his chest and wheel him through the Stargate on every mission. Teal'c uses him to bludgeon bad guys.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, June 3, 2002, 5:33 PM

In the first episode of Season 6, a surviving character from the first three seasons is discovered hiding off-planet and she is quickly killed off.

You're next, Chevron-Guy!

Commissary Sue
Vancouver, BC - Monday, June 3, 2002, 4:08 PM

SPOILERS for the first episode of Season 6! We find Teal'c in a situation that never, ever happened to him before; his woman is dying because she needs a new symbiote. His son has been 'aged' slightly since we've last seen him; like to about 34. Meanwhile, the Stargate is busted so while Jonas desperately looks for a "Stargate Repair for Dummies" book at the local Barnes & Noble, Carter fixes it with a bobby pin at the last possible moment. Jack O'Neil sits in a corner and grunts. Some stuff blows up. General Hammond's mother-in-law proves to be a Goauld, after all these years. A piece of paper falls off the conference room desk and Jack is convinced it's a former character from the show whose name shall never be spoken again on pain of death by MGM. A PR firm's staff go into convulsions when they are attacked by replicators that look like teensy tweezers. A production crew in Vancouver eats itself alive. It all turns out to be an alien plague that spreads through the ingestion of tainted cheerios.

InTheKnow <TrustMe@Bridge.com>
Monday, June 3, 2002, 4:03 PM

New spin-off!

We're so convinced that season 6 is going to be a huge success that we've convinced MGM to back our new spin-off, "Stargate: Airman Poochinsky." Starring Jelly as the sassy telepathic dog who saves the world a lot and Executive Produced by Joseph Mallozzi and Paul Mullie, this wacky offbeat comedy should draw in a whole new demographic--dogs!

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, June 3, 2002, 10:54 AM

Satragte need to be restored to the way it was in season 1-4, season 5 was completely bogus. I mean, how can you just rip SG-1 to pieces!? Jack, Daniel, Teal'c and Sam ARE SG-1, now they want to take Daniel away. I've also heard that O'Neill will be being in only 15 out of 20+ episodes... Richard Dean Anderson, WHAT THE HELL R Y DOIN'! Michael Shanks, if you read this, PLEASE, get than Cohen guy to listen to us. I feel like I'm going to literally SCREAM!!!!! Stargate was so good once, now it's basically going onto the small screen. BRING DANIEL BACK, the last episodes should be of SG-1, defeating the Goa'uld then being together on Earth... No deaths... no enlightenments, just together. They should only be able to become enlightened, NOT killed. DAMN IT!!!! Who agrees?

Amy <Dark_Interloper@Yahoo.com>
UK, England - Sunday, June 2, 2002, 11:54 AM

It's no wonder the Powers That Be felt the need to rid themselves of that sinful little tempter, Daniel Jackson. Ever notice that in the flashbacks, his father looked EXACTLY like Set? Daniel Jackson the son of...could it be...SATAN?!

Hortense <HorseButt@Sycophant.com>
Fundy, CA - Thursday, May 30, 2002, 5:33 PM

"Then the sailors said to each other, "Come, let us cast lots to find out who is responsible for this calamity." They cast lots and the lot fell on Jonah. So they asked him, "Tell us, who is responsible for making all this trouble for us?..."

--Jonah 7-8

God <talk2me@Ihear.com>
Thursday, May 30, 2002, 5:22 PM

Daniel returns, Jonas shows his true colors, having intimate knowledge of the SGC and SG-1 he’s a dangerous opponent, and they have to really work (and THINK) to take him down.

Hard.

Jack has to use not only his Special Ops/Black Ops skills but also his BRAIN, Sam tries to simper and gets shut down (sorry, I’m not toatlly against ship but it just doesn’t fit the plot or the characters). Sam then turns around and applies *her* brain to solving a difficult piece of the puzzle, eventually leading a secondary team in there to assist in kicking some Jonas butt.

Teal’c is recalled from wallpaper duty into active service, and I mean ACTIVE. He has LINES and things. In fact, he’s been a silent observer of all Jonas’ little odd behavior quirks and has had deep suspicions about what the little weasel has been up to, and he actually SPEAKS to O’Neill and Hammond about those suspicions.

Jonas takes the recently-descended Daniel hostage since, after all, he’s the logical bargaining chip, and hauls him through the ’Gate to... elsewhere. While O’Neill, Teal’c, and his team of SFs track them to Jonas’ Evil Lair (work with me, this is important), they get to deal with Jonas’ flunkies. Big guns get used, but so do actual military TACTICS. (Thinking, remember?)

Daniel, stuck with Jonas in his Evil Lair, is single-handedly responsible for a: discovering Jonas’ Evil Plan, b: attempting an escape (which fails ONLY because we still need a few minutes of suspense left in the episode... well, and because of flunkies too), c: kicking Jonas’ ASS accompanied by lots of character-derived angst for all the hell Daniel had to go through before he ascended.

Meanwhile, O’Neill and Teal’c are holding off an ambush -- tactics, remember? -- and Carter’s secondary team comes in to assist in the mop-up. Some nasty, evil Jonas Evil Weapon is used on her, and O’Neill and Teal’c, which causes O’Neill some hurt, but causes Sam to lose a whole host of superpowers and become a normal human being again. Maybe it messes with her mind somehow, I haven’t figured that part out yet. And it affects Teal’c’s symbiote as well so that for once he isn’t merely the muscle behind SG1. He IS, however, still able to move, think clearly, and SPEAK in a way that assists the team to kick more butt.

Finally, the team (team, Team, TEAM) is reunited, all a bit worse for wear but not too close to death or anything -- although Sam’s been a little mentally tweaked -- and just as they’re about to relax and start taking CARE of one another, a final attack begins just outside Jonas’ Evil Lair. It’s a last batch of flunkies who were out doing something and came back as quickly as possible when they heard the Evil Lair was under attack (see, it’s even PLAUSIBLE).

At this point, things look really bad... and THEN, Hammond and the mop-up operation, AND Dr. Fraiser and the medical team, come sweeping up. We discover that, even though the gun is as big as Dr. Fraiser, she can handle it just fine, as she and Hammond lead their teams to a thrilling victory. (Hey, even medics go into the field armed at least a little, for defense.)

Finally, the WHOLE BLOODY TEAM, *plus* Hammond and Fraiser, PLUS the bad guy, are on the other side of the gate; the TEAM is back together, asses have been kicked, there are group hugs (Hammond took an ugly leg wound but thank God he’s going to be okay), and the party limps back to the SGC, exhausted, but victorious, to the cheers of the rest of the SGC.

Jonas DIES. He was unconscious and strapped to a gurney (Daniel, being no WEENIE, can kick ass too, ya know) in order to be dragged home for trial but he dies in the infirmary, waking up only long enough to spill his cowardly guts. His body is shipped home to wherever he was from.

The NID rear their ugly head, or attempt to, but Daniel has been around the block a few times, and Teal’c is no dummy either, so they have quite a bit of useful gossip on the bad guys. On top of which, O’Neill and Hammond have had QUITE enough, and in the ensuing fracas, which reaches all the way to the Pentagon, Major DAVIS pulls a few strings. Not only does he reveal a LOT more clout than we thought he had, he is able to shut them DOWN, AND gets the key military people reassigned to places involving drudge work and LOTS of supervision.

Senator Kinsey, the old fart, finally kicks off this mortal coil, and without political support, the remainder of the NID shrivels up and blows away. Without them stirring up trouble, the Russian Stargate program finally is able to offer cooperative support to the SGC and they actually start working on developing technologies to benefit the WHOLE FRICKIN’ PLANET.

Their alien alies are impressed with the amount of growing up they’ve done, and reveal that they were observing to see how the SGC would handle Jonas. While some of them are still unwilling to provide technology of their own, they point the SG teams in the direction of certain other cultures who might be willing to strike deals without violating any treaties.

Sam recovers from the bizarre Evil Weapon with a new outlook on life. Basically, she loosens up and loses the must-be-perfect-to-be-loved complex. She’s still a kickass physicist and Air Force Major, but she finally lets Sgt. Siler get close to her as more than a fellow motorcycle lover, and they fall in love, and he doesn’t DIE. She continues through the ’Gate with her team (team, Team, TEAM) but is no longer SuperSam.

O’Neill has rediscovered the value of his brain cells and proceeds to exercise them, a lot. He also has rediscovered the value of friendship, and while still a wiseass, gives up the macho BS and reverts back to being a compassionate and CARING wiseass. He’s much better now that the stress from the NID is dealt with, which means he finally treats both Daniel AND Teal’c, simultaneously, with the respect they deserve.

There’s more to this wish list, but you get the idea.

Peace!

Heather

Heather <heather@lapa.net (go ahead, I have a delete button)>
Lafayette, IN, USA - Wednesday, May 29, 2002, 1:47 PM

STARGATE OF THE APES--the Lost Episode from Season 3: While exploring a vast, jungle-like planet, Colonel Jack O'Neill contracts a virus that soon has him turning into a hairy, Neanderthal-like, green-eyed monster. The virus reaches its climax during a scene when O'Neill is looking at the previous seasons' ratings and discovers that Dr. Daniel Jackson is the most popular character. He then goes on a rampage, swinging through the gate room, as Teal'c and General Hammond stand around pointlessly doing nothing. O'Neill, of course, whisks Carter off to do with her as he will. To avoid the stupidity, Daniel Jackson gates to another planet that offers better acting roles. Gorilla-O'Neill continues to wreck havoc all over the base, mutilating it beyond all recognition. As he clambers outside to beat his chest and howl at the Cheyenne Mountains, he turns and sees that Jackson's loyal fans have constructed a 1000-foot tall statue in the archeologist's likeness that just WILL NOT BE DESTROYED!! O'Neill falls to his knees, yanking out his graying hair by the handful, and screams, "DAMN YOU, DANIEL! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELLLLLLLLLLLL!" Producers held this one back, thinking it would be damaging to Anderson's "pedigreed" background.

Anise <IalreadydresslikeJane@latex.net>
Thursday, May 23, 2002, 12:14 AM

Well, very hush, hush, but an exocisted was called to the studio today as it became apparent that several SG1 production people and writers where being possessed by the restless spirit of Irwin Allen!

This terrible occurance became apparent when they started churning out scripts that were rehashes of old episodes of Voyage To The Bottom of Sea and they seemed to think that nothing like these ideas had EVER happened in Scifi TV shows before.

It became very scary when casting calls were sent out for Patrick Duffy and Darwin the dolphin.

Scarier still is the casting call for a geeky overly smart little kid and a cute mischvious mutt. Can you say Land of The Giants??

The Parking Attendent
Wednesday, May 22, 2002, 1:05 PM

Episode 3: Titanic

In episode three, they are on a ship that crashes into the ocean and it floods. They are in a flooding ship. You don't see a whole hell of a lot of that on any SF television show (except Andromeda). We're so impressed with the way we've pulled it off, and Corin Nemec's ability to hold his breath as Jack holds Jonas' head underwater in an attempt to drown him is astounding. Thrill as Sam and Teal'c race against time and rising water to free Jaffa immigrants from the locked third class level!

Watch for the surprise ending in which Sam discovers the priceless dogtags, "Coeur de la porte des étoiles," ("Heart of the Stargate") in her coat pocket. Sam secretly keeps the dogtags until Daniel descends so she can return them to him.

Special guest soundtrack--"My heart will go on" by Celine Dion.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Monday, May 20, 2002, 5:30 PM

Okay, this is really hush-hush, okay? It can go no further.

We're in secret negotiations to bring back Daniel Jackson, but not with Shanks. With Tichenor. We want to know how much he'll charge to make a CGI cutout of Daniel say recycled lines over and over again, and if it's less than what we'd pay for Shanks.

Failing that, we were thinking of using a cardboard cutout and pasting it to the nearest wall in every scene. We were only using him for wallpaper anyway.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 18, 2002, 12:51 AM

EPISODE 12 - "FEED ME"

Osiris is kidnapped by a Goa'uld eating disorder management center. S/he is fed lots and lots of yummy soup and sandwiches (tuna, of course) with only a little bit of mature symbiote in it.

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, May 18, 2002, 12:36 AM

SEASON SIX NEWS FLASH!!!

In a fit of inspiration(or it could have been a coughing fit)the SG1 writers have come up with a brand new enemy even more insidious than the Goa'uld and the replicators.

In season six SG-minus-1 goes up against the evil and dangerous Itsjustatvshow lord of the planet QuinanQ and his trollish minions knows as pottdawgs.

In a terrible twist of fate, Jack finds out that it wasn't really Oma Desala that came for Daniel Jackson to help him ascend, but the evil Itsjuststvshow impersonating her and luring an unsuspecting Daniel Jackson to a hideous netherworld called gueststarstatus.

Will Jack, Sam and Teal'c be able to rescue Daniel Jackson from this state of limbo or will Itsjustatvshow and his pottdawg minions keep them from realizing their goal by constantly sabatoging them with the effects of his power to make them constantly act out rehashed plots from hit movies and other successful TV shows?

Manager, Plots'R'us

PlotsRUs
Thursday, May 16, 2002, 10:38 PM

THIS WEEK:

Enjoy DEAD ZONE on the SCI-FI Channel. Go directly to FARSCAPE. Do not stop at SG-1; take a long, hot bath or go out for peach shortcake at Perkins or watch Crocodile Hunter's Croc Files or Antiques Roadshow or drop by at your next-door neighbors for a chat or fill out some forms you've been putting off for awhile. You'll have a MUCH better time than if you stay and watch THE OTHER GUYS, this week's episode of STARGATE SG-1.

The premise: The regular members of SG-1 have become so boring, comatose or repellant to the writers that they've decided they'd rather write an adventure plot about anyone else. The cleaning lady. The mess hall cook. The SGC physicists. General Hammond's granddaughter. A stray dog down the road.

Instructor
Friday, August 2, 2002, 11:15 AM

THIS WEEK ON SG-1 SEASON Su..er, SIX!!!

ASPAWN TIME: It has been seven years since Jonas Quinn last had intimate relations with a female of his species, and we discover that he must swim upstream to spawn on Kelowna or die. The members of SGC discover him soaking in the fish tank in his office, anxiously watching the Weather Channel through the glass and hoping for a monsoon. They return him through the gate to Kelowna and wipe the address. No one wants his offspring returning someday to devour all the food on the planet and bore everyone to death.

Boiled Carrots
Monday, July 29, 2002, 3:22 PM

Next week--"Never send a geek to do a man's job." We make fun of all the nerds in the world, like computer nerds, scholars, comic book fans, sci-fi fans, RPGers, and, of course, any loser who spends his Friday night in front of the television...

*looking in mirror and blushing*

Um, forget I said anything...

*lowering head and slinking away*

TPTB Double Agent
Vancouver, CA - Saturday, July 27, 2002, 4:20 AM

Next week's episode: THE SHIP HI